Melody Sounds Like a Memory

You know how a song can remind you so much of a season?  Whenever I hear "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman or "All Thy Fullness" a Hope original, I think of the end of last school year.  I was exhausted in the depths of my soul.  The sophomore slump is a real deal.  These were the favorite chapel songs of the time, and I remember standing so many times thinking, "God, You really are all I have right now."  In the hurt, confusion, and exhaustion of that time, these songs were my certainty, clarity, and worship.  I listened to them late at night in Kenya, when the world just wasn't making sense to me.  Why do children get abandoned?  What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  I love how these songs remind me of that, many months and new seasons later, that I still have so many reasons to be grateful to God, that I need to sing of that, that He really is, always, my one and only Fullness.

Humility

If I could choose one word to describe encounters with God it would be humbling.  Being used by God is one of the most amazing and humbling things I can think of.  I've had experiences where I've known that I was speaking what God wanted me to say or what God wanted me to do.  Sometimes these experiences can seem like a really big deal, such as delivering the morning message to a group of campers, sometimes they are simply following the nudge to talk to someone and having a conversation that needed to be had.  I walk away from these situations usually with a "wow, that was pretty cool, I guess I can do something right!" feeling, but more importantly being totally in awe of God.  When I know the words did not come from me, I know that I am a small part of something so much bigger than me, when the words expand into something bigger than I can have imagined.  When the choice to serve or follow God leads to things no one would believe.  I am humbled that God would choose to use me for His great and vast purpose here on this earth.  I am astounded by His greatness.  I am humbled, to be a broken human who is allowed to mess up over and over again, and still invited into His presence.

Sometimes this humility is less glamorous too, and I am reminded of it in the smallest ways.  Its the look on my roommates face when I know I've crossed the line, but she gently corrects me in love.  Its the fact that my stuff is strewn all over the living room, and I say that I'll clean it up even though I probably won't, and I'm still loved and accepted.  Its the way that these girls have sought to know me, and see Christ in me.  I'm humbled.  They know me and they still love me, even though I'm not the perfect roommate.  Being humbled by God isn't the same as having my ego taken down a peg or being embarrassed by something.  There is such peace in knowing that I'm never going to have it all together, but that He does.  This is the word from God I've gotten recently... I still love you.  I screw up daily.  I put my eyes on worldly things, I think unkindly of others, I don't spend my time as I should.  He still loves me.

I am humbled in His presence.

Face Away from the Book

So I just finished a month long Facebook fast.  I knew I needed to seriously redefine my view of God and relationships, try and get over my comparison issues, and just focus on myself and the people I'm physically around for awhile.  So in week two of the semester (a month ago now, wow!) I asked my roommate to change my password.  I must say, it was glorious.  I didn't miss it too much to be honest.  God has given me a wonderful season of growing and being poured into.  I realized that I needed to desire Him for Himself and not for what He can give me or how I feel.  This meant laying down the idols of friendships, relationships, popularity and the like, thus I decided to cut out a major source of those battles-Facebook.  It was hard to swallow, but through it all I had some wonderful people speaking honest truth and kindness to me, and God delighted me in Himself, his unfailing love and faithful presence.
I'm living with a great group of girls this year, who all genuinely love and follow the Lord, and love me as a sister in Christ.  We laugh all the time, and this little apartment really does feel like home.  I'm in a receiving season I think- coming off of over a year of continually pouring out (camp, RA, Kenya...) I'm being loved on by my friends, community, and God.  This is all preparation for next semester... (could I go for too long without an adventure? never!) when I'll be headed to China for a semester of study abroad.  So I'm trying to squeeze as much joy out of this semester as I most possibly can.
Being off of Facebook and enjoying all these things purely for themselves has been wonderful.  I highly recommend it.  I've gotten to see how God sees ME, not anyone else, because I'm not supposed to be them... that's not who He made me.  We only post the good times in our lives on Facebook, so it makes it easy to think that everyone else's life is better than yours.  Which isn't true at all of course!  I get to focus on what I AM doing not on what I'm not doing.  Fulfilling His purpose for me here at Hope doesn't necessarily mean being popular or well known or well liked.  And His purpose is what I want to be seeking.  And this is a daily battle.  Sometimes I fail, and I just want people to like me, and it gets easy to believe the lie deep in my soul that no one likes me at all.  I am a broken human being.  But God's love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me and never changes.  He STILL loves me even when I mess it up.  I have become more assured of this over this time.  Its so easy to get bogged down in regret, rather than saying "well, I messed up, God please forgive me, let's get going again."