How Fickle My Heart

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
-Mumford & Sons, "Awake My Soul"

It's been awhile since I've posted.  That's what happens with a whirlwind finish to a semester before a time abroad and the following "detox," as one friend called it, in the first days at home.

God so totally rocked me this semester.  It was as if the things I struggled with sophomore year were finally brought full circle and the lies straight up rebuked.  Many of these things involved relationships with friends that went really well this year.  The father of lies tells me that no one likes me, I'm not worthy to be anyone's friend, I'm not spiritual enough to be friends with the cool people, and I can't do anything right.  At the same time the heart God gave me craves relationship.  I know these lies are not true when I come home to a surprise party because I'm leaving to study abroad.  I know that's not true when a friend shows up to help me frantically finish packing out my stuff.  These "well duh!" moments make me realize that these lies are never true because I am in Christ.  He didn't die on the cross to crush sin and death so that I could live in bondage to thinking I'm unworthy of anything...it is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1).  In this knowledge, I am more able to serve, to love people better, and to be who God made me to be.  These lies are intended to destroy me but they are LIES.  They aren't true.  They don't control me.  That's not what I answer to.  Here's the essence of what I learned this semester, because its what I can take with me forward into this new season:

It all comes back to Him.  All of the awesome changes I just talked about came about because of God's timing of some wise words and circumstances that happened that made me realize chasing popularity, friends, affirmation, acceptance, and the like ultimately leads to loneliness.  There was a night when I finally had to say, "God I just want YOU!"  It's about turning my gaze, focus, and priority to Him and Him alone.  It's then and only then do things ever go how I want them to, when He becomes what I most want.  Our God is one who desires relationship, closeness, and who is always willing to give us more of Himself.  This sounds too easy... and sometimes it is.  I find myself relishing in friendship, not His presence.  I find myself going onto Facebook and sliding backwards into a gloomy pit of jealously and self-comparison.  In worship, I think about how "devout" I must be looking, rather than... worshiping.  When I want to grow closer to Him so I can be a "super cool and powerful spiritual person" and have super cool and powerful spiritual stories to share, because then maybe I will be popular!  Yikes.  How fickle my heart.  I mess this up all the time.  However, God doesn't send revelation to just leave us hanging.  In these stumbles, I hear so overwhelmingly "I still love you."  I don't even deserve these four-millionth chances at all.  Wow.  Thank you Jesus!

So now I'm home.  I won't be in my happy home sweet Hope bubble until August.  This is the real deal now.  I know that I'm rooted and established in Christ's love (see last post) and that His love of the best basement worship night is the SAME love that I take with me here, to China, and everywhere.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.  It's been a challenge.  God used the season of first semester to teach me crazy things about Himself, using those around me to help and encourage me.  Now its up to me.  I don't have encouragement at every random encounter or exchange, I don't have the prayer chapel to retreat to, I don't have worship eight times a week.  I have my Bible, journal, and great music.  These things I take with anywhere.  I have friends who I get to tell the whole story to, because they haven't gotten to see it over time like Hope friends did.  Most of all, I have the presence of God Himself.  I have the Holy Spirit.  (There's an entire other post on that one too!)    I've been feeling pretty bummed and out of context for the past week... a new set of lies- that this can't last outside of Hope, or that it didn't mean anything to begin with, but I thankfully got to head to Portland and see an old friend and then see a Hope friend in Seattle (!!!) followed by the reuniting of the home crowd for our first baby shower (!!!).  God gave me what I needed in that- time to chill and catch up after a year and a half, a friend who's joy of the Lord is contagious, the celebration of new life.  Awake my soul.

One God.  No matter what.  No matter where.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life.  May we live and invest our lives to reflect the light of Christ.

Rooted

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:16-19.

This passage was shared at Friday Night Worship last night, and God totally spoke to me through it.  My time left at Hope before I go study abroad is drawing to a close, and it has been freaking me out this week.  I live with three seniors and I have lots of other senior friends or friends who are going abroad next year.  Who knows if I will see them again on this earth?  I have had the best semester of my Hope career and its ending so soon.  It's been easy to think that God must not want me to be very happy for very long, or that there is no way things will be good like this again for a long time.  It's very easy to think that I don't deserve it.  These are lies.  Going to China is God's plan for my life, just as being here is His plan for my life this semester.  Out of the center of His will is not where I want to be.  I'm not supposed to be here next semester.  However, my heart is breaking.  I don't want to leave the friendships that I have just formed.  I just got here.

And yet, God spoke to me through Ephesians.  I am rooted and established in love.  Right now, I feel rooted in where I live and in the love of many of the friendships that I have.  I have truly seen Christ's love through these relationships.  It's easy to feel that this temporary situation is where my roots are, and to be upset that I'm going to leave.  And then I realize- my DEEPEST roots are in Christ, and Him alone.  And I have Him WHEREVER I go.  I see how deep and wide and long and high His love is.  All good things come from Him.  Even my earthly roots come from Him.  He loves me so much that I can never hope to comprehend- and I am promised His fullness.  No matter what, I am rooted in Him.

Melody Sounds Like a Memory

You know how a song can remind you so much of a season?  Whenever I hear "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman or "All Thy Fullness" a Hope original, I think of the end of last school year.  I was exhausted in the depths of my soul.  The sophomore slump is a real deal.  These were the favorite chapel songs of the time, and I remember standing so many times thinking, "God, You really are all I have right now."  In the hurt, confusion, and exhaustion of that time, these songs were my certainty, clarity, and worship.  I listened to them late at night in Kenya, when the world just wasn't making sense to me.  Why do children get abandoned?  What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  I love how these songs remind me of that, many months and new seasons later, that I still have so many reasons to be grateful to God, that I need to sing of that, that He really is, always, my one and only Fullness.

Humility

If I could choose one word to describe encounters with God it would be humbling.  Being used by God is one of the most amazing and humbling things I can think of.  I've had experiences where I've known that I was speaking what God wanted me to say or what God wanted me to do.  Sometimes these experiences can seem like a really big deal, such as delivering the morning message to a group of campers, sometimes they are simply following the nudge to talk to someone and having a conversation that needed to be had.  I walk away from these situations usually with a "wow, that was pretty cool, I guess I can do something right!" feeling, but more importantly being totally in awe of God.  When I know the words did not come from me, I know that I am a small part of something so much bigger than me, when the words expand into something bigger than I can have imagined.  When the choice to serve or follow God leads to things no one would believe.  I am humbled that God would choose to use me for His great and vast purpose here on this earth.  I am astounded by His greatness.  I am humbled, to be a broken human who is allowed to mess up over and over again, and still invited into His presence.

Sometimes this humility is less glamorous too, and I am reminded of it in the smallest ways.  Its the look on my roommates face when I know I've crossed the line, but she gently corrects me in love.  Its the fact that my stuff is strewn all over the living room, and I say that I'll clean it up even though I probably won't, and I'm still loved and accepted.  Its the way that these girls have sought to know me, and see Christ in me.  I'm humbled.  They know me and they still love me, even though I'm not the perfect roommate.  Being humbled by God isn't the same as having my ego taken down a peg or being embarrassed by something.  There is such peace in knowing that I'm never going to have it all together, but that He does.  This is the word from God I've gotten recently... I still love you.  I screw up daily.  I put my eyes on worldly things, I think unkindly of others, I don't spend my time as I should.  He still loves me.

I am humbled in His presence.

Face Away from the Book

So I just finished a month long Facebook fast.  I knew I needed to seriously redefine my view of God and relationships, try and get over my comparison issues, and just focus on myself and the people I'm physically around for awhile.  So in week two of the semester (a month ago now, wow!) I asked my roommate to change my password.  I must say, it was glorious.  I didn't miss it too much to be honest.  God has given me a wonderful season of growing and being poured into.  I realized that I needed to desire Him for Himself and not for what He can give me or how I feel.  This meant laying down the idols of friendships, relationships, popularity and the like, thus I decided to cut out a major source of those battles-Facebook.  It was hard to swallow, but through it all I had some wonderful people speaking honest truth and kindness to me, and God delighted me in Himself, his unfailing love and faithful presence.
I'm living with a great group of girls this year, who all genuinely love and follow the Lord, and love me as a sister in Christ.  We laugh all the time, and this little apartment really does feel like home.  I'm in a receiving season I think- coming off of over a year of continually pouring out (camp, RA, Kenya...) I'm being loved on by my friends, community, and God.  This is all preparation for next semester... (could I go for too long without an adventure? never!) when I'll be headed to China for a semester of study abroad.  So I'm trying to squeeze as much joy out of this semester as I most possibly can.
Being off of Facebook and enjoying all these things purely for themselves has been wonderful.  I highly recommend it.  I've gotten to see how God sees ME, not anyone else, because I'm not supposed to be them... that's not who He made me.  We only post the good times in our lives on Facebook, so it makes it easy to think that everyone else's life is better than yours.  Which isn't true at all of course!  I get to focus on what I AM doing not on what I'm not doing.  Fulfilling His purpose for me here at Hope doesn't necessarily mean being popular or well known or well liked.  And His purpose is what I want to be seeking.  And this is a daily battle.  Sometimes I fail, and I just want people to like me, and it gets easy to believe the lie deep in my soul that no one likes me at all.  I am a broken human being.  But God's love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me and never changes.  He STILL loves me even when I mess it up.  I have become more assured of this over this time.  Its so easy to get bogged down in regret, rather than saying "well, I messed up, God please forgive me, let's get going again."

I Miss

I miss her sweet head in the crook of my shoulder.

I miss her eyes, heavier and heavier and finally closed.

I miss the milky baby smell, the little braids that scratch my chin.

I miss the perfect finders and toes, the arms that reach out for mine.

I miss tiny bundles of blankets containing life redeemed.

I miss holding my sweet kids and singing God's grace over them, praying for healing of their tiny shattered hearts.

Rebuild (Redemption)

I think there's always uncertainty at the beginning of a new school year.  What will this year hold?  Will I survive my classes with decent grades to boot?  What new unexpected things will happen this semester?  Who will I end up spending my time with?  How will I be different by the end?  My answers are different this year as I'll only be on campus for fall semester.  The arc of my time at Hope for this year lasts for four months instead of nine.  Life will go on without me, and I will not have Hope with me.  Anyways, the first weeks are always crazy.  Last night, I was at a worship night in someone's living room, with about 20 other people.  It was spontaneous and beautiful and awesome to just have some God time.  An analogy that came to mind is of a brick wall.  There are circumstances in our lives that knock out or blast apart pieces of the "walls" of our lives- disappointments, hurts, hard times, failures, sin.  But redemption happened on the cross.  In His dying, Jesus covered our sins and offers this broken world redemption in Him.  In Him, our broken walls can be rebuilt.  When I experience His healing and reconciliation in my own life I often imagine that the holes in the wall are being rebuilt.  The wall is stronger and more beautiful than before.  "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham was one of the songs that we sang last night, famous for its melodious "ooohs."  (Just listen to the song).  Everyone really went for it on these parts... I think we had at least five different keys going on, but I think that almost made it better... it was just glorious praise!  In the time I got to spend with Him last night, God let me know that He is rebuilding and redeeming me, just as He is for you too.  This can only be found in Him.

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful 


Savior 
Redeemer
Restorer 
Rebuilder 
Lord, You are beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGlTzH9xkXQ

New Beginnings

I'm officially back to Hope.  Groovin in the Grove is an annual Hope tradition, 2 hours of chapel band in the Pine Grove on the night before classes start.  2,000 classmates worshiping together.  Definitely on the top 5 best nights of the year.  The last three months have been ridiculous, even the last year.  I'm not going to say it's been an easy year, and I'm not going to whine either.  I've missed worship.  In Christ, this place is home.  In worshiping Him, we are at our best.  I sang the familiar melodies (and some new ones) surrounded by great friends, had some awesome reunions and got to praise my God.  In a summer and a year that has had some very high moments and a lot of low times of doubt and questioning, I'm reminded of the God who has me on this journey.  That His love never gives up, never runs out on me.  Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity, sweet Jesus Christ my clarity.  Bless the Lord oh my soul, worship His holy name, sing like never before oh my soul, I'll worship Your holy name.  This is my prayer for this one semester I have on campus this year, and then I'm off to China?  What?  There are great things in store for Hope's campus this year.  Oh yes, its good to be back.

(pirated from Sam)

The Past Few Weeks

So I've been home from Kenya for about 2 weeks now.  It feels like a lifetime since I was there.  I loved Kenya.  But I must say, I am so glad to be home.  I've had some really, really awesome time with the people I don't really get to see that often.  I love the moments (there have been many!) when I have to blink and go, wow, that person really is in the same room as me.  We really are sitting right here.  I am so blessed.
This past so weekend, one of my dearest friends got married.  Allie and I are neighbors, I have known her since I was eight years old.  I learned what makes faith real at her house, through the Pioneer Girls Club her mom ran, but really from the example she and the other girls set about LIVING the Christian faith in all parts of life.  In the same house, I had an awesome Bible study in high school.  Countless trips to school, walks around the circle, coffee dates, and other random adventures later, she's married to the man God planned for her.  One of the best parts of being neighbors is I can be at her house in around 30 seconds, which meant helping with lots of fun wedding details :)  It takes a community to throw a wedding!
So many people have come back into town that I haven't seen in years.  As some friends and I talked at the end of last night, we tried to define the strange sadness we were feeling, even in spite of such joy and happiness for our dear friend.  I don't want to grow up!  I mean, I wouldn't mind getting married if the time rolls around soon, but its strange that one of the lovely ladies who has been a part of my life since childhood is now in a new season, one that's very different from the times we had together.  Of course, I know I'll see Als again at Christmas, she's not leaving forever, she just has Chris with her now too :)  As I think back to the evening that was just about perfect, even though it rained, dancing and laughing with old friends, seeing a woman of the Lord receive everything she deserves in a husband, its one of those where the moments seem frozen in time.  Not every day of life is as happy as a wedding day, but we can strive to find joy in our everyday lives.  For one day, the seasons we are in now will be past by too.
To the sister who has always been a role model to me, thanks for the beautiful example of marrying the one who loves God and you for who He has made you to be.  Thanks for being there.  Thanks for being you.  And I hope my wedding is even half as awesome as yours :)  To God be the glory.

"As the years go by, like stones under the rushing water, we only know, we only know when its gone." -Needtobreathe

Abigail

Well, here it is already.  I leave for the airport in 2.5 hours.  Two months feels like a long time yet no time at all.  I'm excited to be home and have skim milk and real cheese and my hair straightener and my family and things like that, but I'm going to miss my Kenyan adventures as well.  I'm going to miss the feeling that everyday is an adventure.  I'm going to miss how friendly everyone is.  I'm beyond grateful for the hospitality that has been shown to me by my missionary hosts and Kenyan's patience with me not always understanding their accents.  I'll share another story from Tenwek, because it pretty well defines the characteristics of my favorite moments here.  My missionary hostess, Amy, does a lot of orphan care ministries in and around Tenwek, and we heard of a baby who's mama had passed away after her birth.  Usually, a newborn in the nursery would be fed by his or her mother, but this sadly wasn't an option, so it was suggested that I go up and feed her to help the nurses.  When Amy and I went up to check out the situation, they decided to just send the baby home with Amy to care for while the hospital tried to track down the father.  As we were preparing formula, changing, etc, Amy mentioned that the baby girl needed a name, (and that it had to be from the Bible).  Well, Esther is my favorite female figure in the Bible but it just didn't seem to fit this little girl.  I started to pray, asking God for the name He wanted her to have.  I was thinking Sarah or Abigail, and Amy said she had been thinking exactly the same thing!  While Amy went to search for a blanket, I held the tiny girl to feed her.  "Sarah?  Abigail?" I said to her.  Abigail seemed to be the choice.  As the title of my blog suggests, I have been asking God for His heart here in Kenya.  As I held this tiny newborn, I was filled with such love and joy that I cannot even explain.  My smile was as huge as my face allows, I almost thought I would cry.  It might have been my favorite moment of this trip.  I felt so much love for this little girl, starting life without her mother, her future so uncertain, I felt certain of one thing: God loves her wildly, passionately, He has a beautiful plan for her life.  Jesus says, "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" (John 14:18).  I don't think I can do the experience any more justice with words, other than that I saw a peak of God's heart for His people, and He loves us SO MUCH.  What a privilege that was, thank You Lord.  Little Abigail went home with her dad, and I never did get a picture of her.  I don't even know if that is her name anymore, but giving her a name for those first days of life was so cool.  I have many great friends with that same name, who I felt almost as if I was naming her after.  In light of what I saw of God's heart, I am inspired to live my life knowing that that is the love that He has for EVERY SINGLE human being, including me, including you.  My prayer, as I leave, is that I may live my life as such.

Unchained Melody

In the past two weeks I have been back to the Baby Centre for one day, at Tenwek Hospital, and on safari in the Mara!  And I leave this Thursday night.  I can barely believe it.  I have been so blessed to have seen and experience so much in all my time here.  Here's a random assortment of things that happened and what I thought about them... an unchained melody.

-On our day back at the Baby Centre, there was an adoption!  I'm thankful to have experienced that joyful moment for my last day there, and that another precious girl now has a forever family.  I loved what her new daddy said (roughly paraphrased).  "I'm a man of few words, but I am a man of action... it's not her and us, she is one of us now."  I admire this family for doing as God has called and welcoming a precious daughter into their family.  I remember first wanting to adopt children (in the future obviously) when I was about 9 or 10.  After meeting orphans and seeing different orphan care ministries on this trip, I think it's a given for my future.  The church needs to majorly step it up in this area, but I think that's going to be a separate post.

-Tenwek Hospital (in Bomet) is a really, really awesome place.  There is a very rich history of awesome missionaries serving God and others unconditionally.  Franklin Graham and Samaritan's Purse are huge supporters as is WGM.  I really love the community that the missionaries have there, the kids call the other adults "Aunt" and "Uncle" and run freely among the homes of the other families.  There was also great camaraderie among the volunteers.  A group of us went on a hike up to the highest peak around, with an awesome 360 view.  I love to be in God's creation, and we enjoyed some great conversation and views on the way up and down.  At the top of the hill, there was a group of school kids who were fascinated to see us.  A comment by one of the kids made me so sad.  He said, "Americans call us black monkeys don't they?"  I explained that we do NOT.  It's interesting what people's perceptions can be of other cultures.

-Kayla and I went out one day with Tenwek Community Health, to an immunization clinic for babies.  The most interesting part was when the kids from the nearby school started walking home and noticed me inside the building.  So they started stopping in the road to stare through the windows at the fascinating mzungu (white person).  So I decided I might as well go out and say hello.  I've been stared at a lot here in Kenya, and kids are always very excited to greet us, but this was to a whole new level.  Kayla and I demonstrated a high five and then all the kids wanted to high five me!  It was strange (and kinda flattering).  It's moments like this that remind me that I'm an outsider here.  I've been thinking a lot about this and the implications it has for cross-cultural ministry anywhere.  However, in Christ, we are all the same.

-We also got to go on our safari in the Mara.  It is truly beautiful, unlike anywhere else I've ever been.  Upon arrival, Kayla and I were greeted in the traditional Maasai fashion, by men dressed in the traditional red color, chanting and singing.  At the end, they all started jumping, and man, can they jump high!  Our cabin was open on one side, and we could see the river from inside.  There is also a large hippo population in the area so we would hear them all the time.  Did you know hippos kill more people than any other animal in Africa?  Anyways, it was so great to just hang out in the cabin and be totally focused on relaxing and have time to really think over everything that has happened in the past 7 weeks... which is a lot!  We went on safari drives in the late afternoon and early morning, and managed to see every animal except for the leopard, though not for lack of trying.  We saw a cheetah every time we went out, though not one running full out, some lions getting ready to hunt, and A BABY ELEPHANT.  That was probably my favorite.  There were some awesome sunrises and sunsets, and so many beautiful landscapes.

Pictures will tell the best safari stories, I'll try and post some soon!  I can't believe I leave this Thursday night, and I'll be home Friday afternoon.  Bless the Lord oh my soul!

1,000 Words

Pray for Kayla and as we head to the Baby Centre for a few hours then on to Tenwek Hospital for about a week and a half.  We will go on safari in that time as well, which I am super excited for!  Here are some pictures from life in Kenya up to now...

 Feeding a giraffe!

Our gorgeous (and bumpy!) drive to the Maasai village

A Maasai Village

These past two days have been packed and awesome.  Yesterday we did a clinic in a Maasai village.  It was over an hour away from here, and the last few miles off the main road were exactly like you would picture safari driving in Africa.  Our convoy slowly bumped and wobbled along, but the views were exquisite!  I've decided that if I ever live here or somewhere with similar road quality, I'm going to have an SUV, all my past  preferences for small cars with great gas mileage gone in a flash.  Anyways, we were surrounded by gently rolling hills, with golden grass, acacia trees, and cows!  The Maasai measure wealth in cows.  There were patches of light and shadow as clouds rolled across the sky.  The clinic was being held at a church, and the kids were excited when we pulled into the yard.  It is the Maasai custom that an older person greets a child by touching the top of their head, so I was surrounded by a crowd of kids, their heads slightly bowed waiting to be greeted.  Men and women wear large earrings and gauges, and the women wear colorful patterned wraps and the men wear the traditional red plaid cloths.  The women carry bows and the men carry rungus (wood club things).  The Maasai are known for being fierce!  The clinic moved along pretty smoothly, and I loved getting to see this tiny slice of Maasai life, and a part of Kenya different than any I've been to yet. Today we went to the Rift Valley Academy graduation, a boarding school for missionary kids that several WGM kids attend.  It was crazy to think that I was in the same position only two years ago, as I remembered all the emotions of graduation day.  And most of those kids are heading a lot further to go to college than I am, leaving the friends they've lived with for the last several years and their home continent.  I can only imagine how that feels.  Kayla and I head to Tenwek hospital on Tuesday, where we will be spending time at an orphanage and doing a safari!  Pray for our new hosts, and our adjustment to go smoothly.

God's Child

He cries, the high soft sound of a child in severe, continuous, pain.  Sitting on the couch, he looks to be about 5 or 6, but he's 10.  AIDS and cancer have ravaged his tiny body.  The cancer swells in his belly, his lymph nodes so swollen that they press on nerves, hence the tears.  I watch, powerless.  Oh Lord, bring Him your peace.  Thank you that he knows You.  Thankfully, Robyn adjusts his medication and within 20 minutes he is sound asleep.  Now to tell his orphanage "parents" the news.  I know that God will redeem this whether it is in healing his body or bringing him home soon, but seeing the journey to that point is not easy.

New Adventures

Finally!  I'm sorry I've been slacking on this whole blog thing just like I said I wouldn't, but life has been pretty crazy!  It seems that God has other plans for the second half of my time here!  I'm currently in Nairobi working with another WGM missionary who is a nurse.  Today we went to a boy's home and did some simple physicals.  I helped count medications and sign people in.  We really take healthcare for granted in the US- some of these kids were simply getting Tylenol, but it will help them a lot with basic things that they have going on.  Thus, my time at AGC Baby Centre is over.  However, I'm excited for the new adventures with God in Nairobi, and also at the famed Tenwek Hospital in Bomet in the coming month.  Mary leaves on Friday, and Kayla, my new fellow VIA comes in the same night.  So it's a big week of transition!  Needless to say, I have learned a lot about flexibility, which everyone says is important for a missionary to have.  God is sovereign and He is faithful.

Here's a fun cultural story of another new adventure I've had here.  On Saturday, there was a 5k/half marathon with proceeds going to Baby Centre sponsored by a local university.  We rolled in "on time" and no one really knew where or when the race was starting or where registration was.  So we waited around for awhile, and then set off on an adventure to find out.  We managed to find bib numbers, and vague directions to the starting line.  Team Baby Centre (for the 5k) was finally assembled with our matching t-shirts (printed backwards nonetheless).  They read, "I may not always win... but I'm never left behind," citing Deuteronomy 31:6.  We found the starting line, but the race had already started!  There wasn't time for us all to go the full 5k, but we were granted one lap (of the campus), complete with a start from the starting gun and lots of enthusiasm from everyone.  Let me also point out that I am in the country in the world known for having the best and fastest runners, and in an area where the specific "runner tribes" are the majority.  And its 6,000 feet above sea level.  And I'm not that great of a runner, plus I basically live at sea level the rest of the time.  I decided to sneakily take the supportive team member approach and stayed with the last member of team Baby Centre so that we crossed the finish line together for our wonderful 5k that was really only a 2k.  On the upside, the entire rest of the team was there to cheer for us!  A little while after that, we went to watch the finish of the half marathon.  Oh. My. Goodness.  These people really were made by God to run.  It's like watching art in motion.  Even kids of 7 or 8 have the stride and proportions and form down and look so graceful!  I'm still laughing.  Of ALL the countries in the world to run a 5k (or a 2k), Kenya.  Well, hopefully this altitude will help me actually go somewhere running before feeling like my lungs are going to burst.

Pray:
- peace and purpose in this time of transition
- for Baby Centre and other WGM ministries in Kenya
- for Mary as she is leaving and Kayla as she is coming in
- for God's heart and eyes for these people

Hope

This is baby Hope!  She arrived yesterday at only a few hours old!  And it was a total coincidence that I was wearing a Hope shirt.  She is SO TINY oh my goodness.  I think all the blankets might have actually weighed more than her.  (But really).  What a privilege to hold a child so young, to be part of her very first hours on earth.  Because of where I go to school, the concept of hope is huge for me, as my time at and journey to Hope are such huge evidences of God working in my life.  It represents a home and a time of great spiritual growth.  This baby (the first one to arrive at the AGC Baby Centre while I've been here) has been a huge reminder from God that He called me here this summer.  It's a huge blessing to have that reminder.  I went down to help feed her for the 10:30 feeding last night.  It was so peaceful, with all the little babies sleeping, to just sit with Hope and try and make her eat.  I'm becoming more comfortable with the routine here, and this little darling has brought such joy.  Bless the Lord oh my soul!

Today, I went to Salgaa for the first time.  There is a ministry to prostitutes there through the Africa Gospel Church (parent of AGC Baby Centre).  Wow.  The work team that has been here has been there as well, so we broke into several groups and went to visit the women in their homes.  The woman my group visited with told us her story with unswerving honesty, although there were tears on her face at times (and others in the room as well).  Through the combination of her life circumstances, she ended up in her situation- a situation that very quickly became a trap.  Now, she has accepted salvation and attends the support group part of the ministry, yet her life is still very hard.  We encouraged her.  We prayed for her.  We shared scripture with her.  We cried with her and for her, and for the countless other women in that situation.  Though I walked away heartbroken for her situation, she still has heard the Gospel.  She has knowledge of the one thing that can save her.  There is hope in that!  To see her through God's eyes, a beautiful and broken child, is to see hope.

"Those who sow with tears, will reap with songs of joy.  Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying their sheaves with them." --Psalms 126:5-6

A Good Afternoon

Yesterday we ran afoul of some chicken salad, not leading to the best 24 hours ever.  Ah well, it happens.  Thus, I spent the day sleeping, reading, watching movies, doing sudoku puzzles, and wishing I was at home.  Today we were supposed to help lead a girl's Bible study at the local church, which I was super excited about.  Teen girls are an age group that I love to work with, and they have a much higher chance of understanding English than the babies!  We got there to find that there was a work team from a college and Tennessee there.  Oh joy!  People my own age!  The kids were having so much fun playing with the team, and only a few showed up any way, that Staci decided to just let everyone relax and hang out.  I had a great talk with one of the team leaders who is actually the daughter of the famed Dr. Steury of Tenwek Hospital (WGM hospital in Kenya).  She was really encouraging and just brought me an awesome sense of peace, with her easygoing personality and experience with missions and Kenyan culture.  Then some Kenyan college students showed up for a big game of volleyball.  Volleyball is not on my list of specialties, but it was so great to have really good conversations and have people encourage me in what I'm doing.  I definitely fed off the work team's energy, which was so welcome after being cooped up in the apartment.  I'm realizing how used I am to having people around me all the time, to come here and have a different situation is a little bit daunting and lonely.  Don't get me wrong, the people I am with are great, I'm just used to having a cluster or building or campus or house full of people, and my phone to easily communicate with any of them no matter where I am.  Today was good though.  It was encouraging and energizing, and finally got me out of the haze of literal sickness and homesickness. I'm really excited to go to church tomorrow to help with Sunday school, interact with the team more and have worship.  Bless the Lord oh my soul!

Pray for:
- peace, presence, purpose, patience. (alliteration for the win)
- meaningful relationships to be built and deepened
- communication

The First Days

Well, I'm here and I'm alive and unharmed.  I have already experienced so much in just a week after leaving home!  I made my first international flight by myself to London (yes Mama, I had a cup of tea on the plane) where I met up with my mission buddy for the next 5 weeks Mary.  We went to our hotel, and then rode the Underground into the city!  I have dreamed of going to London for as long as I can remember, and it was even teh Queen's Jubilee weekend!  Crowds of people really are the same anywhere you go though (and all the tourists can't agree what side of the side walk to on), and Buckingham palace was closed off for the festivities.  Westminster Abbey was awesome, and I even got the quintessential picture peeking out of a red phone booth.  Our train passes were good all day, so we ended up just riding around finding cool places to go- that was my favorite thing- having the freedom to go anywhere in the city.  And I even got to Platform 9 3/4.  Life goal accomplished.  London is someplace I most certainly want to explore again with more time, maybe not on the weekend of the Queen's Jubilee, or a month before the Olympics start.  A rainy Tuesday would be perfect.  Our flight to Nairobi the next day was a little delayed, so we didn't get in until pretty late.  After an agonizing wait for my bags (I think they were the very last ones off the plane, and I was very afraid of losing my luggage!) we met Staci, our host missionary and went to the WGM guest house in Nairobi.  Thus, I didn't get my first glimpse of Kenya in the daylight until the next morning when we started the 3 hour drive to Nakuru.  Its the rainy season, so everything is really green!  Its beautiful.  The Baby Centre is about 15 minutes out of Nakuru, on a very bumpy dirt road, surrounded by fields of maize and red-roofed houses.  Mary and I are sharing a guest apartment.
Working with the babies has been harder than I thought.  There is always someone crying, and not all of them are used to seeing white people.  I'll get more into my thoughts on being here in another post.  Adjusting has been trickier than I thought- this isn't glamorous folks.  It's noisy and messy, and there are more kids that need attention than I possibly have limbs for.  I'm trying to learn the names of the babies and the staff, and find the ways that I can be a help and blessing to this ministry.  The kiddos are napping right now, so Mary and I have an organizing project in the office.  I know that this is what God has planned for me this summer, and that I will feel more comfortable as time goes on, I'm just really overwhelmed right now!

Please pray for:
- continued relationship building with the kids and especially the staff
- better understanding of accented English!  I hate having to ask people to repeat what they've said when I should be able to understand it
- senses of purpose and peace
- as always, for God to move mightily!

Loved

Well, I leave for Kenya in 4 days.  My time at home has flown by, and it has been great to relax, see people, and do things I don't normally have time to, like reading books for fun and craft.  One of the best moments of the break, was church yesterday.  I spoke briefly at both services about the trip and how people can pray for me and such.  I was completely blown away by my congregation's response.  I've been to church probably 10 times in the past two years, with being at school and camp.  I was completely blown away by a beautiful quilt from the quilting ministry, and it was awesome to be prayed over during the services.  People I don't even know were assuring me prayer, and wishing me well.  Just the sight of the faces of some of my dearest friends smiling at me the entire time I was up front filled my heart with joy.  Its not so often I get to see those faces in real life.  To hear people who have known me my whole life say, "We're so proud of you, God is going to do great things."  It doesn't matter that I've been gone- they love and support me just the same.  To be with people who understand and support missions, and who know and love me, is indeed a blessing.  I don't need human affirmation for what I'm doing this summer, its what God's calling me to do, but it sure was nice to feel so much love right before I'm about to leave.  To be home.  To be where I am myself, right before a beautiful new adventure, bless the Lord oh my soul.

Finding Home in the crazy places

9 days.  That's all I have.  Then I'll move out of Dykstra Hall for the last time.  Its crazy, but even after two years, I'm going to miss it.  Even after being an RA and one of the only sophomores in the infamous all freshmen girls dorm, I'm sad to leave.  This place holds a piece for my heart.  It holds my own freshman year, snug and cozy in my little cluster home, life chats with the roommate watching feet of snow fall outside, the insane moving to college emotional rollercoaster, so much growing up.  It holds a new adventure, in loving 22 awesome freshman ladies and watching them grow from wide eyed newbies to awesome friends, in a beautiful sisterhood in my staff, in the crazy moments that comes with being an RA, in the moments where all I can do is laugh.  I've never (will never) live in a dorm with normal hallways or with guys down the hall.  My heart is here, for these girls, for the craziness this unique set up brings, the life season that freshman year is.  We had our last staff meeting tonight, with a wonderful encouragement activity, gag gifts appropriate to our year, and a wooden shoe with my name on it.  We laughed until we cried, we cried until we laughed.  I'm going to miss those girls to pieces.  We shared a very unique with job, and those girls have been the ones who have supported me unconditionally through this year, because they're the ones who really get what this job is.  I had my last night of duty, hanging out in our high quality pea soup colored duty box, watching Friends in the lobby, doing rounds.  I walked through the dorms when I visited junior year, and I automatically knew that this was where I wanted to live, passing up the chance to live in the "intentionally diverse" community which would have tied in well with my global interests.  I have met so many amazing women here, and had the privilege to live in a unique, crazy, loving, community.  God brought me here, and I am so thankful for both the great freshman living situation I had and the blessing it has been to love and serve my residents and my staff.  A big, white cinder block, stereotypically dorm has become home.  I've learned to make home in the crazy places, my home is in Christ, and I know that I will be able to find home wherever I go.

Adequate.

The attack is silent, swift, deadly, hidden.  Satan comes not in fire, brimstone, loud noise, or open persecution.  He comes cunningly, sneakily, to her fragile heart, her anxious thoughts.  The tape, on mind numbing, soul crushing repeat:

You have no value.
No one cares about you.
You have nothing to offer.
You're worthless.
No one likes you.
See what she said about that person?  Clearly you will never be as good as them.
Everyone else is so much better than you, what's wrong with you?
You can't control anything.
No one wants to be around you.
Everyone but you has friends.
You are invisible.
You can't do this.
You will fail.
God is disappointed with you.  Who do you think you are to think you can do such great things through Him?  You're clearly not as close with Him as everyone else, you are are
so
inadequate.
You don't belong.

She shrivels, and tries to fight, the constant battle of Satan's lies.  But she spirals downward, as she stops believing in her capability to argue back, as she is cut to the core, with the very words that hurt the most.

She sees hope, shining through the fog, the Father who loves her wholeheartedly, deeply, unconditionally.  The kind words of true friends, the mind tape that should be playing.  And she is angry.  Angry at Satan for trying to destabilize her, to ruin her ministry, for feeding her lies.  She fights, trying to reach home.  She rebukes the lies, crying out for her God.

He reaches out to her every time.  He holds her close.  Christ is victor, Christ is Lord.  See her, love her, reach out to her.  Pray away the demons, see her with His eyes.  She is so adequate.  We are all so much more than adequate.

"For I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful, I know that full well" -Ps. 139:14

Jer. 29:11-15

Rainstorm!!!!

There are times in life that are just random and wonderful and amazing and random.  I went to the Gathering tonight (like usual) and every moment was a blessing.  Laughing with friends about bad gifts before, amazing worship.  One of the senior members of the band shared a song he wrote.  It was absolutely beautiful.  To know those lyrics as the song of this man's heart- to see his face as he took in everyone worshiping the Lord in a moment he (through God) helped to create. To sing praise to God.  The message tonight was great as well- it was about blessing and giving thanks to God for the good things we have received, for our greatest temptation is to forget to do so.  What a timely and relevant message as everyone accelerates towards finals.  I feel like I've been able to be present this weekend, and I have felt so blessed for that.  (Side note: I just got done reading several friend's blogs, so I don't feel like I'm writing in quite my own voice so I'm sorry).  We sang the song "10,000 Reasons" which is a new favorite, "Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name..." Very appropriate to the message.  Love that song.  I stayed around for after worship tonight, which I really need to do more often.  (About 15 minutes after the service ends the band will play some more songs).  Most people peace out before this so the feeling is really intimate and amazing, because of course, our band is AWESOME.  I was blessed to worship with some of beautiful my sisters in Christ- I LOVE to worship with friends.  It is one of the most beautiful things- to be most ourselves and to be together to worship the God we all love.  Wow.  Just, wow.  God is SO good.

Back in my dorm, I had a great chat with two friends in the stairwell of all places, random I know.  I love when God just puts meaningful conversations together  It starts to RAIN.  Like thunder and lightening hardcore knock your socks off RAIN.  I LOVE thunderstorms, just sitting at my window and watching the lightening and being amazed by God's power.  Some girls were out dancing in the street, so I said, what the heck lets do it!  I found some people and out we went.  Half of Hope College had the same idea- I love spontaneous fun moments in big groups of people!  I ended up hanging out with one of my friends for almost an hour- just talking about life (even though she wimped out of playing in the rain).  Blessed, blessed, blessed.  Filled with the joy of the Lord.

Here's the encouragement- on Friday night, I went to an extended night of worship and prayer, which was great.  I was in one of those times where I didn't realize I was in a low patch with God until I started to get out of it.  That's why this weekend has been awesome- the joy of the Lord!

We are called

We are called.

To love.

To learn.

Not to judge.

To listen.

To serve.

To reconcile.

To redemption.

We are called.

Will you listen?

Redemption

I just got back from a week long immersion trip to Newark, New Jersey with an awesome team of Hope students.  It went above, beyond, and deeper than any expectations that I had.  It was a LOT to process, and I'm still working through a lot of it.  Even in 24 hours back, there are things that were a lot easier to believe when I was blissfully hundreds of miles away from my real life.  This is where the challenge starts, the rubber hits the road, however you want to say it.  Will this really matter to my real life?  I say yes, but it won't be easy.  Lord give me the strength.

I think the hardest and most beautiful parts of the experience are often one in the same.  The most heart-breaking things for me were hearing other's stories, but almost all of these stories have another theme: redemption.
-The woman who will never see her children again.  This is a hard one to see a light in right now.  The woman is receiving love and care from the church community.  There are no words.  But there is hope.  There is always hope.
-Those who have lost things they valued at the sin of another.  In brokenness I see beauty and strength.  In pain I see resilience and recovery.  I see hope, forgiveness, redemption.
-A GIRL who has had MULTIPLE miscarriages before completing the eighth grade.  Though this situation is still very dark, the fact that she managed to graduate eighth grade is a huge achievement.  Lord intervene.  Redeem the evil that has been done to her.
-One of the church caretakers has a past including gang life, prison time, murder, and extensive drug use among other things.  But his smile lights up his face.  He proclaims Christ as Lord.  He has been redeemed.
-What used to be the second most dangerous housing project in the country is now abandoned in Newark.  We learned about the design flaws and system failures that caused the place to become so dangerous, and to be called irredeemable.  But now no one has to live there, and mixed income housing is going up only a block away.  Whether this concept will have the desired effects is yet to be seen, but there is hope.
-This last one is probably my favorite story to tell.  There was a woman, Kimberly, who came to the feeding ministry in the mornings two of the days that we were there.  She is in a wheelchair and because of a variety of medical conditions she is in extreme pain.  The healthcare system has failed her.  By the world's standard, she has every reason to hate her life.  However, she talked and smiled with us.  As I was coming out of the bathroom at one point, my teammate Anna was trying to wheel her in to wash her hands, but the chair wouldn't maneuver through the door.  We didn't really think about what we did, it just made sense at the time.  To God be the glory.  We got bowls of water for her hands to soak.  Anna washed, massage, lotioned her hands and clipped her nails.  It was the simplest act of a servant's heart love.  Another teammate prayed for her.  We gave her the closest thing we could to a manicure there in the church lobby with what we had lying around.  Not something any of us woke up expecting to do that day.  I give God ALL the glory.  Hebrews 13:1-2 says "Keep on loving each other as brothers.  Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing so some of you have entertained angels without knowing it."  I firmly believed that I was blessed to entertain an angel that day.  I am giving myself no credit, it was I who was blessed by her quiet spirit and joy amidst suffering.  One day, her pain will be redeemed.  I could write for days, but I'll close with some words from a favorite psalm, especially well loved when set to music here at home sweet Hope:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." -Psalm 126:5-6.

We hold to this hope, this promise of sweet redemption in Christ.

a new peace and maybe even some redemption

I found a new peace today.  A new way to calm myself.  Those who know me will be surprised, if you go way back you might even be floored.  I ran today, and I enjoyed it.  It was me, Lecrae (Christian rapper), and the track.  I just went until I couldn't anymore, then I walked for awhile and did a couple more laps.  It felt amazing. Workouts are never regretted, that's for sure!  I'm newly committed to this, and it makes me really happy.  In the darkness of my junior high years, I would say that PE was in the worst of those memories.  I once had a teacher laugh in my face because I couldn't hit the volleyball right, and lets be real, I don't run fast or have great hand eye coordination.  This led to being last picked for teams/partners, one of the last left running the mile, the one that the opposing team got excited to see when I got up to the plate for kickball.  I hated PE.  I am perfectly competent in the water, but we didn't have a pool, so I never got to show off those talents in class.  In a time of life when I was already desperately lonely and insecure, it was an area of life where I was incapable and unwanted.  Running was a big part of PE, feeling like a cow going to slaughter as we walked up to the track, as I got lapped, and it killed any desire I had to run for fitness.  So all through high school I was resolutely a "swimmer and NOT a runner."  I love being in the water.  However, freshman fall semester I was in a class called Health Dy(namics) with an amazing prof.  We got to run around Holland in the fall weather.  Picture, cute little cottage houses framed by giant trees with leaves in every shade of fire, crunching through the leaves in golden sunlight.  I could have my ipod with me to run, and I had a friend who I paced well with so I wasn't alone.  Besides, in college everyone is more mature than junior high.  No one really cared how fast I ran, or probably more accurately, I didn't think that they did.  (Spotlight effect... gotta love being a psych major).  After that semester I ran a few times sporadically, and when I heard that there was going to be a Color Run (google it!) in Seattle right after I get home from this semester I knew I had a goal.  I'm going to run that race.  I'm going to do that.  By no means do I consider myself a "runner" but God is redeeming my hatred of running, a hatred of working out, to be for His glory.  I get in a zone with Him as I'm pounding around and around the track.  It's all for His glory.  "...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." -Hebrews 12:1

sky high

I'M GOING TO DO MISSIONS IN KENYA.  djaksdfukjndwiiemcpoijf.  I don't believe its real.  I think I'll believe it when my plane lands in Nairobi.  Maybe when I see the precious children God will have given me to love on however I can for a summer.  I remember thinking about giving a college summer to missions in elementary school.  This has been long coming.  Honestly, I will have this experience, I will most definitely know that it happened, but I will always be amazed by it.  Like Honduras- "I just can't quite believe all that happened."  Three years later.  The point is, God takes us on amazing journeys.  Its all for His glory.  All of this is.  I know there will be people thinking that I should work all summer to make money for school, or that I should stay closer to home to do ministry or ___.  But this is the plan God has shown me for my life.  That's all that matters.  The money I have to raise?  In His hands.  This is my journey, my story. I know that I have a wealth of support though.  Just my friend's reactions at this news have already given me so much joy and peace.  You all have shown true selfless joy with and for me that is more encouraging than you know.  Especially you who understand exactly how much this means to me... you know who you are.  I am blessed to call you guys brothers and sisters.  We rejoice together.  This news, this love, this excitement, this peace at knowing my future, has brought me sky high out of my sophomore slump.  God has given me joy.  I just have to remember to give him the credit for this continually.  One of my current favorite bands, Needtobreathe, speaks some beautiful lyrics that express what I want to be throughout this experience in their song "Garden."

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you,
let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune,
Father let my heart be after you."

Though this song can definitely be applied to musical talents (and that's what it was probably written for).  But with my lack of those talents aside besides playing "Fur Elise" on the piano and a fervent desire to learn acoustic guitar, I see this chorus as applying to the songs, words, and choices that I make in my life.  It is a slow beautiful reminder of where my focus needs to be.  This is my prayer.  In all of this God, in school, relationships, for my time in and preparation for Kenya, Father let my heart be after you. Thank you for joy that is sky high.  Amen and amen.

First

It first came up walking up the camp road with Adina, our staff counselor during my one on one in the beginning session of camp.  I needed a reminder why I was doing what I was doing and she mentioned Matthew 6:33, "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."  I held this verse close all summer, as in every moment I had one reason for doing what I was doing, whether it be running down the slip and slide or consoling crying campers in the middle of the night.  By putting God first, the rest of life fell into place- friendships came in time and I learned how to be a camp counselor.  First came into my life again at The Call Detroit, a 24 hour prayer movement for the city of Detroit.  That was probably the most spiritually focused environment I've been in for such a sustained amount of time.  I was settled in with my Bible and journal while worship and speakers were going on around me, and I was getting the feeling that God was going to give me something big.  I'm looking at the journal pages now, and my writing is all outside the lines.  And here it is again: first.  "Lord help me to trust you and your timing.  Lord help me to turn to You first, to make You my love, my desire, my first.  This was the word from the Lord that I received that night.  
There are so many other things that get in the way of this.  Even good, beautiful Lord ordained things that can get in the way of putting God first.  Probably the biggest one I struggle with is relationships.  I let my relationships be what gives me life and joy, and God that is certainly a reason that God gives us relationships and that He didn't design us to be alone, but He is supposed to come first.  I have found my identity and the strength of my relationships when my identity should be in Christ.  I struggle with wanting a guy NOW rather than waiting for the person God has planned for me to marry.  Trust me, Hope College is a romantic place, and this would be a really fun time in life to fall in love.  But, God's plans need to be first.  And that might mean that I don't have the Dimnent Chapel wedding I've been dreaming of.  And that might mean being on the mission field as a single woman.  And that terrifies me.  I want to adopt, and my children will need a dad.  I don't want to live alone  But having faith in God is having faith in His timing and His provision.  If God calls me, I must go.  By seeking first His kingdom, the rest will be given to me as well.  And I have fallen into the trap of seeking so that I may receive, and that is wrong.  That doesn't work.  God knows my intent in that, and it just doesn't work like that.  
Recently, through a valley time (see last post) He has spoken to me about my priorities.  And it came again, first.  And this time I decided that I would truly live into this command.  And in the last three days I have been blessed with the joy of the Lord.  In other times where I have chosen His path over the world's I have fought and been miserable because I didn't have what I wanted.  Imagine the pouting face of a child who's parent has just laid down the law, all her anger and rage channeled into a glare before she grudgingly does what she's told.  But I decided to embrace God's words, and I realized that the joy of His presence is greater than what I left behind.  I'm glad this funk has finally broken (at least for now).  And with this changed perspective, the things that were stressing me out seem so much more manageable.  By not finding all of myself in relationships, I am less hurt when there is tension or brokenness.  By realizing that God knows and has planned exactly where I am going to be living next year, I can stop obsessing (okay, maybe) and know that wherever I am, it will be okay.  I can love my community again.  And hardest of all, as I'm climbing out of this valley time, I can start to love myself again, as the words and actions of other people matter less to me, and I see who I am in Christ.    


Left my fear by side of the road
Hear You speak, won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's love, that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You


One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would the world be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong/#share
-Hillsong

Psalm 42

I've been resting in this psalm a lot lately.  Its one of those man, this really fits my life kind of moments with scripture.  It begins with the psalmist describing his deep thirst for God, wondering how it can be quenched.  I am so ready for more of God.  A deeper relationship, new knowledge of Him.  How I'm going to get there, I'm not really sure right now.  I've been working on scripture reading and prayer, and He does show Himself to me.  But I'm in a funk.  And I want to get out.  I don't really know what to call this "valley time."  Sophomore slump?  Its the middle of winter?  Who knows.  All of the above.  I'm getting over college a little bit.  The freshman year oh my goodness I'm doing laundry and eating in Phelps phase is long gone.  I'm sick of Phelps, laundry is nothing special.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Hope College, and I feel so blessed to be here.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wants me to get my education and live four beautiful years of life.  But I wish people would get real.  Its impossible to be happy all the time.  Its impossible to look good all of the time.  I wish I knew what it was like, to be like you, to be surrounded by friends, to know everyone everywhere you go.  I wish I knew what it was like, to be sought out.  I wish I knew what it was like to be you.  And you're going to say, I think you're great!  I love you so much!  Which I'm not doubting persay, and I do think you are wonderful as well, we're just different in some ways.  But your actions haven't proven it to me yet.  You love everyone so much, and life is so great, but when was the last time you stopped and listened to me, or one of the other nameless faceless people on this campus?  "You" isn't anyone specific here.  Its a group attitude that I'm getting tired of, and its not after a year and a half, its after 19 years.  I know God made me the soft-spoken person that I am for a reason.  I just can't always see what that is.  I'm tired of feeling lonely surrounded by people, and wondering what I have to really offer to the world.  I'm tired of being the quiet one, tired of being brushed aside because I'm not the one with loud witty comments.  And that might be who you are.  And that is who God made you to be, live it!  Seriously.  And God made me how He wants me to be and I know that's good enough, but its hard when I don't feel good about it.  He made me this way with a purpose, and I don't know what that purpose is yet.  Sorry for ranting.  Do not, not, not, think I am fishing for compliments.  I am being real, I am trying to explain something I don't fully understand myself.  If you take the time to read my blog, you probably have at least some level of caring for what I have to say.  So back to Psalm 42.  Verse 6 is great: "My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember You."  I know that the answer is looking to God.  That is what I'm trying to do.  But I'm an impatient broken person.  I want to know NOW.  Why do we do that so much?  God has been showing me that the answer to all of this is to trust Him.  Unswerving, deeply, above all else, put my focus FIRST on Him, and the rest will fall into place.  I find my peace in verses 7-8:

"Deep calls to deep

   in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

   have swept over me.

  By day the LORD directs his love,

   at night his song is with me—

   a prayer to the God of my life."

In all the challenging times, God's song is still with me.  I love worship music, and they run through my head as prayers all day.  I find great comfort in thinking of God as a song.  When I start to get super stressed I know exactly what music I need to put in to bring myself back to normal.  Whatever that is.  The psalm wraps up with more encouragement:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast?

   Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

   for I will yet praise him,

   my Savior and my God."

I'm slowly learning from this funk.  I know God is walking with me through this, and is waiting on the other side with more of Him then I have yet known.  My hope is in Him, and I will yet praise Him.  Thanks for reading.

Then sings my soul

Excuse the lateness of this mostly New Zealand themed post.  I found this line running through my head almost constantly on the trip.  Hope friends will be familiar with the chorus, "then sings my soul, to my Savior God, to Thee we sing, how great Thou art."  How could I not, surrounded by such beautiful creation, by God Himself?  That is probably the number one way that I experience God, through creation.  My soul was ever so happy in New Zealand.  I got to be around people who were happy to be with me.  I got to ride around in the car and just feast on rolling green fields, bright peaceful blue water, and tall dark hills.  So different from the life I normally live.  So through all of that I finally figured out why I don't like that Michigan is flat and why I love seeing my mountains so much when I'm home.  Mountains make me feel small.  Mountains remind me that God is so much bigger, that I don't stand a chance against Him.  Mountains don't change either.  When I fly home Mt. Rainier is always there to welcome me on the way in, always.  Just like God is there, always.  "For God has said, never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).  I grew up in hilly and mountainous terrain, and the flatness of Michigan still kinda freaks me out sometimes.  I've made a home for myself here but its with the people and places of Hope, not with the scenery.  (I do love the lake though).  I feel to big, too stretched out, too uncontained.  I feel protected having high peaks around me.  Its just what I'm used to.  Being around my kind of landscape is something that fills my soul incredibly full.  My soul sings.  That is God to me.  So this is something I figured out about myself in New Zealand.  I think we all need these experiences with ourselves- that show us who God is to us and maybe no one else.  In a time and generation where experiences are considered worthless if not shared with others, it is especially important.  God loves each of us so. closely.  So intimately. He made us who we are, exactly who we are, flaws and all, and He knows exactly how to speak to us in ways that we understand, if only we are willing to listen.  So sings my soul.