So it's actually been two weeks now since I wrote this post. As much as I've wanted to be open and honest about my life here, I found it so easy to procrastinate on sharing something so personal. I can also say that I wrote this out of a rough night and that my daily life isn't quite this dramatic. I've since been taking a break from going into the bars for a few weeks as well, to work through some of the things that have been building up over the last few months. I'm thankful to be well loved and supported by wiser and more experienced people who have been down this road already. But, these words need to be shared, so here you go.
"Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again"
Hillsong United times their album releases uncannily with my life it seems. Their new album, Empires just came out and has been on repeat on my Spotify. "Even When it Hurts (Praise Song)" stood out instantly to me:
"Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise You
Even when I have no song
I'll praise You
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then, I'll sing Your praise"
Even when it hurts. Even when I don't know what God's saying. Even when I don't want to believe it. Even when it hurts in a way I didn't know it could.
Even when addiction and trauma twist the hearts and minds of those we love so much.
Even when I realize how hard it has become for me to trust men. Even when I realize that my grounds for being mistrustful of men are nothing to what these girls are going through.
Even when my friends and family are hurting and rejoicing and all of the above and I can't be there. Even when I have no idea how to be a good friend across the miles.
Even when I don't want to believe that God has something better for this place because being bitter or apathetic is way easier.
"Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing Your praise"
Even when the girl I had in mind when we came to this bar is already sitting with man three times her age.
Even when she could be my younger sister. Even when it takes copious amounts of alcohol for her to get through the night.
Even when I look across the bar and see the fear, doubt, confusion, and heartbreak in a man's face and wonder how he ended up here anyways.
Even when I look across the bar and see him treating her the ways no human should ever be treated with a huge smile on his face, and wonder how he ended up here anyways.
Even when it hurts too much. Even when I want to give up.
"Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again"
The real, raw, honest, truth is that the "I will only sing Your praise" line is really hard right now. Intellectually, I know that it's true. Sometimes it just doesn't come. Sometimes it is through the hurt, through the confusion. Because it has to be true. The Gospel has to be true, or I'm out. There has to be an ending to the story different than the present, or I'm done. Even though hope is so much more painful than apathy and walls, there has to be something that can come out of this, something bigger, the biggest big picture that there could be.
And yet even recently, we had someone we've been working with for awhile decide to follow Jesus. And then we got very good news on another case. God's glory is already rising out of this place. It's rising out of the pounding base and flashing neon, even as the brokenness is so loud and bright. I see it in the women at NightLight who have taken their chances for another life and run with it further than anyone could have dreamed or imagined. I see it in the joy and security that their children have, in the breaking of the cycle that brings the women to this place. I see it in my coworkers, in who they are and the stories that brought them here, the way that they keep showing up even when its hard, and even when it hurts.
And here's the other thing- this isn't supposed to be about my feelings. It's first and foremost about Jesus and then about the people that we are serving. Since I am an emotional processor and a deep feeler, this is how I choose to share. I wasn't planning to have a nice ending on this post. I was going to leave it hanging because so much of life and ministry and caring for people does not wrap up nicely. I wanted it to sit and make you think. Yet, it didn't seem right to have one without the other. Even when I don't feel like it, and even when it hurts like hell, I will choose to sing His praise.
"And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing til the miracle comes"
-Hillsong United
