Intentional love. At first thought, it doesn’t sound too tricky does it? Love (something we’re all supposed to be particularly good at because we’re nice Christian people right?) and intention. Intentional is defined as “done with intention or purpose. Some synonyms are deliberate, willful, intended, and purposeful. I think what I’m going to be getting at here also has to do with unconditional love- unconditional is officially defined as “not subject to any conditions” or unqualified, absolute, or implicit, no matter what. I’m going to make a statement that you will probably all agree with here and say that as Christians we are supposed to be unconditionally, unselfishly, intentionally loving towards one another. “That’s right” you all agree. Well lets unpack it. I’m not trying to sound at all hypocritical in this, I’m pointing something out that I need to work on as much as anyone else, because I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. Loving unconditionally and intentionally. Not always as much fun as we’d like to think.
I’m speaking of love as purely a choice of actions right now- the effort that a person makes to cherish and care for the people around them. We are not talking about emotional love right now, of happiness and joy. Love on bad days when the person could care less about your existence, doing what is best for them. Sometimes that means giving them a small gift that you know they will enjoy or listening to them dump their life on you even when you have your own things to worry about. Sometimes that means giving them space even if that feels counterintuitive to your need to be needed. Again, I struggle with this as much as the next person, definitely with that last one.
Writing helps me process. Here’s my real thesis statement. Christians are called to be and should be intentionally unconditionally loving. One or the other doesn’t cut it. Purely intentional love conveys a sense of obligation and duty, “I’m going to love this person because it is my duty and I am a loving person.” Where does the focus end up… back on you, where it should not be. Intention in itself has no substance, just pure determination, which is great but will ultimately fail. Unconditional love fills the gap. It is loving in spite of all else, no matter what. Loving someone no matter what is great, yet not showing it takes a toll on the relationship. Hopefully you will have or are in relationships where unconditional love does not need to be spoken. I will never doubt that my parents love me. That’s what I’m talking about. However, this has been built on nineteen years of proof. Besides, most relationships don’t have this depth of understanding. That’s where intention comes in. It would have been easy for my parents to go through their lives without really showing me love- hours driving to far away pools, staying up all night with a sick child, allowing me to attend the college of my choice. They could have told me to pick a sport with less travel or a college that was not my dream school, but they intentionally let me do these things. Why… because they love me and wanted only the best for me at whatever cost to them. This is both unconditional and intentional love- what love should be.
So this is what I think love should look like. It should be unconditional, no question about that. But it can be more- more intentional. It means loving deliberately, especially when that person doesn’t ‘deserve’ it. It means going out of your way consistently to show love to those around you, especially when you don’t have time. A saying that I kind of made up myself is “When you start feeling bad about yourself, do something nice for someone else.” Or to quote a dear friend’s senior yearbook quote, “if you are too busy to help someone, you are too busy.” Of course these can be misconstrued- you have to do what you have to do ie schoolwork, but showing friends that you value them is important. Jesus said, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12-13). This could be taken to mean literally dying, or more realistically, serve others without regard to all of your own needs. Lets love each other, intentionally and unconditionally.
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