I remember the moment when I finally asked God what He wanted me to do the summer after graduation, and beyond (until Thailand). I was walking by Pillar Church between 9th and 10th on College Ave. in Holland, Michigan. The sun was bright and reflecting off piles and piles of glitter snow, my boots crunched along the sidewalk and it was quite cold. My plan for months before this moment had been to find a job in Holland for the summer, live in a house with a bunch of girls, ride my bike everywhere, go to the beach and the farmers market constantly, and some awesome people get married, before heading home at the beginning of fall to live at home and gear up for Thailand. Most importantly I would be able to stay with many of the people from my Hope community.
God doesn't always play by our rules though. I finally openly, honestly, asked the question on that walk home from the library, and I heard, "baby girl, I want you to go home." I was not happy about this. Wasn't I already doing enough by going to Thailand? Couldn't I just stay in my safe community place for a bit longer and have a Holland summer which I've always wanted to have? Couldn't home actually mean Holland in this case? It's funny, my longing in my upperclass years to stay at Hope could only be matched by my longing during my underclass years to be home in the Northwest.
Alas, this calling was confirmed and reaffirmed over the next few weeks. I decided to stay for three extra weeks to make at least one of the weddings I had wanted to go to and God miraculously provided me with a job and a place to stay for that short time. In this time He gave me another word about my time at home- "I have called you to the mundane, but I will delight you." And, without the pressures of school and my impending and very final departure from Michigan approaching I got to have some really good times with people as well. I also realized, that Holland would never, ever, be Hope again.
Usually, I fly between places. This time, I set out on a two week solo cross country road trip. The initiative to step on the gas and not turn the car around was all mine. An iced Buzzed from LJ's to fuel my journey, one last roll through campus, turning onto the highway, and I was gone. I was the only one to witness it's significance. It was a slow, drawn out, goodbye. Yet God in His mercy filled it with hellos as well. I saw a friend from Kenya, four Hope friends (some of whom I hadn't seen in over a year), my Colorado church family, and friends from high school and camp. I made it all the way from Holland to Silverdale while being able to stay with someone I knew every night. THAT'S CRAZY. Unreal. Amazing scenery, food, people, and introvert time for me to begin processing what the heck had just happened in my life.
Now I live my quiet life at home, fundraising, working and going to church and Bible study. That's pretty much it. I usually get a somewhat adult amount of sleep every night. I am a cashier at Staples. It is neither glamorous nor terrible. I expected a lonely season. At first the contrast of not having literally too many people to potentially be with at any given time was a shock. I felt so lost without the fall back of my community. But the God's promised delights started arriving within days of me being home, I had a friend from Hope passing through Seattle. And then another reunion in Southern California as part of a road trip with my best friend. And then another in October. And a Seattle/Hope reunion. And then another 19.5 hour glory session. And that's only Hope friends. I see my high school friends whenever they happen to be rolling through too.
I have an awesome little crew of friends here, now. People I didn't know before. I enjoy being around them and as far as I know they enjoy being around me too because I guess they keep inviting me to do things. That would be weird if they didn't actually like me. WHAT? JESUS. YOU'RE SO GOOD. I DON'T EVEN DESERVE IT. God's goodness isn't only indicated by the presence of people in our lives, because sometimes they don't seem to be there, but He still is. The point is, God keeps His promises. Always. And He didn't have to give me friends during this season, yet He did.
And here's the other thing. I've been missing Hope more recently, because the reality that it will be at least another year before I'm there has set in. The engagements for summer 2015 weddings are rolling in weekly and the list of weddings I won't be at gets longer and longer. There is a piece of my heart, and oh so much hurt and growth and glory and best memories that will always be tucked away in a little Dutch town in the mitten state. Most of my college friends are still there in the area or finishing up school. It's the smallest moments I miss, the faces and laughs and voices that I crave most of all. But, I'm here. And thus my heart is also here now too with my little crew and my family and coffee shops and good things. And then I'll leave yet again and move to Thailand and meet gobs of new people who come in and out of my life yet again. Such is mission life. Such is long distance.
Maybe, home is where I am AND where I've been AND where I'm going. Maybe home is eternity. Because I will never be completely at home again on this earth. Some place and someone will always be missing from me. Just today I've thought about the dim golden light of Dimnent Chapel on a Sunday night, climbing mountains in Colorado, and a thousand other moments. I also sat with two awesome friends and my parents at church today and got to hear about what God's doing in Mongolia. At one point it was remembering my favorite Kenyan toddler in my arms so much that I thought my heart would explode. And then I was imagining what my life will be like in Thailand, knowing that my expectations will do nothing justice until I am there experiencing everything.
More than anything, I want Jesus. He's the one that have given me these experiences, and has given me the heart that longs to travel and love everyone I meet. It's part of His plan to bring me closer to Him. I've been pushed to what I thought was beyond breaking only to hear His still small voice with such loving kindness, "I'm still here, I'm all you have and all you need." I don't know what the next year of my life will hold because two months from today I will once again leave everything that I know for yet another adventure. I don't know how my heart has learned to do it, I know it will be hard to say goodbye again, it can only be from the Lord. Because my home is in Him, and that means that my home and my heart are in a million places, yet always with me. Because He is always with me.
"If home is where the heart is, then my home is in heaven" -Furnace to Fields, "Lets Go On a Journey"
"The taste of eternity is here on our lips, with every breath we sing for Your majesty is here in our midst" -Bellarive, "Taste of Eternity"
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| My last Lake Michigan sunset for quite some time, 5/26/14 |
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