It's usually what happens, but God so exceeded my expectations on this trip. I'm a second semester senior. I have to confess that investing in new relationships really isn't the first thing on my mind right now. I was also the only upperclassman on the trip, which made me feel a little disconnected especially in the first couple days. However, I was committed to being there and excited to get to know everyone, knowing that lots can happen even in a short time, but still not sure where I really fit. Here's the problem though- I was shutting off my heart to what God could be doing during the week.
Some incredible things happened within those on my team that week, and those are probably what's most important to me looking back, and what gives me the deepest joy. Friends who have a deeper desire to know and follow Jesus. There is literally nothing better than that to me, because knowing Jesus is the best thing there is! I think we all realized to some degree that God's world is a whole lot bigger than Holland, Michigan and that people are people no matter where they've been or what they've done. Honesty is a big deal- whether it is in telling life stories, or just in the way we live. Perfection is a lie, and striving towards it is pointless and impossible. We all learned these lessons and many more. But its now that I'm back in my own life that I'm realizing what God did in my own heart.
I don't have the easiest time letting people in, really letting them in. One of my prayers this entire school is that my heart of stone would be replaced with a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). I don't want to say goodbye because I don't want it to hurt. It's easy to project painful past experiences onto the present. I can have a really awesome relationship with someone but never let them into the deepest part of my heart. I'm definitely not saying that every relationship is going to be super deep and meaningful because that would just be impossible. What I am saying is that while it feels like I'm protecting myself by going into relationships with walls up, it really hurts me and makes me feel more disconnected in the long run.
We shared our life stories each night. Incredible. Tears in my eyes and jaw on the floor amazing people that God put together on this team. I saw friendships form over shared pasts, I saw the freedom that comes from speaking things aloud, I see God's hand over each person in a unique way. We spent our days together, sorting cans, working on a house, riding in the van, serving meals to the hungry, exploring one of my most favorite cities in the whole world, and laughing with and at each other. Oh did we laugh. The more time went on, the more the hardness in my heart seemed to chip away.
I had thought that I had nothing left. I knew the words God had spoken earlier in the semester: "God, how am I going to have the energy for this, how am I going to do this?" "Baby girl, you're gonna do it with me." Woah. God did not forsake this promise in the slightest. The growth and impact that I saw happen within all of us and the divine encounters that we had exceeded my wildest expectations for what the trip could be. Because that's what happens when God does His thing. Gratitude. You guys, He's just that good! He redeems and saves people and uses them to bring more of His glory to earth. I'm in awe that I even get to be a tiny part of it, because I certainly don't deserve to be.
You've probably guessed where this story goes by now. Heart of stone? Shattered. Gone. Do I regret letting people in and loving them fiercely? No. Funnily enough, despite all of my fears and constructs, I don't. I don't regret it at all. All of the stress, anxiety, and planning that went into the trip? Worth it. Not only were my fears released but the anxieties that I was praying into were the prayers that were straight up ANSWERED. Wow, God! God calls us to love people. I know for me, that the more time I spend with people, the more I love them. The more I pray for them, the more I receive God's heart for them. I see them as incredibly made exactly as God wanted them to be. How does all of this feel? Joy. Pure joy. Loving people is never a bad idea. It's hard and heartbreaking but its always worth it. It's what we're made to do.
To my sweet team. You impacted me without even knowing it this week. Thanks for loving so fiercely, me and most of all the people we met. Thanks for being raw and honest and messy and beautiful with your stories, for seeking more of Jesus through them. Thanks be most of all to God, for breaking my heart of stone and letting me experience Your joy this spring break!
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