Three Months Later

I thought that maybe I would write a "follow up" post of some kind maybe a week or two after being back stateside, then maybe one month back and then the two month mark passed too, and now here we are.  Three months, to the day actually, that I have been back from Thailand.  My first month was spent readjusting my sleep, Christmas festivities, seeing friends, and following up with supporters here in Washington.

I spent three weeks in January seeing friends and supporters throughout Chicago, Michigan, and California.  It was a dream.  I got to return to my home sweet Hope College, which I'd been looking forward to since that May day in 2014 that I left my precious time there.  I got to see so many of my nearest and dearest friends, the ones who know me and get me through and through.  The chapel band played the song I most wanted to hear, I drank a wild amount of coffee in some of my favorite shops, and I got to experience a blizzard again, which I did miss on some of the hottest Bangkok days.  I got to meet new friends and see how so many people I know and love have grown and changed.  There were so many things different and people missing, even in the less than two years that I was a student, but I needed to go back to close the circle.  Though I was here at home with my parents for six months before I left for Thailand, Hope is the last place that I was rooted before I left, and it will always be one of the greatest gifts I've received.  In Southern California I saw two friends from Thailand who are also back stateside, some extended family, and friends from several parts of my life.  And I got In N Out burger, and to be at the beach.  So overall it was a total win.

With much trepidation, I left sunny San Diego for my cloudy rainy homeland.  Taking a low key December and traveling in January was my reentry plan long before I left Thai soil.  I thought that I'd receive some striking clarity as time went on.  Yet, lightening had not struck from heaven in a big way besides to do what makes the most sense right now: stay here with my parents for now and get a job, hopefully relevant to my field (psychology).  And throughout the month, nothing came about.  I didn't get the job that I really wanted.  And every time I saw just about anyone, it seemed that the first thing they wanted to know was if I'd found a job yet. It's a very fair question.  And yet, the Lord is using this process, these past months to remind me that my identity is not in what I do, and that fear-based efforts to control my life with a Big Plan are not His will for me.  I don't have a job, I live with my parents, I am the washed up missionary girl, (yes I'm being over dramatic), but Jesus in spite of my sin has chosen to call me His child and see me aside from that sin.  He sees me better than I could ever see myself.  And that's all I need.

And so I am in a hidden season.  I've been doing some volunteer training with the crisis call hotline, going to church, putting together a gallery wall for my room, reading good books, and having some incredibly sweet times with the Lord in the midst of the job hunt.  And yet, HE IS FAITHFUL and I am learning and growing and healing and I can't tell you the big "that pain was okay because now this thing happened," yet.  Right now, I'll try my best to be here.  Until I'm somewhere else.  I have some ideas in my head.  It is NOT a lack of ideas that I am suffering from, its just figuring out what God wants me to do and how to do it.  I've gotten advice that straight up conflicts other advice.  I've been given just about every suggestion under the sun I think.  And yet, He is faithful.

Can't complain too much about views like this...

The Last Days

I am in the midst of my last week at NightLight.  Where did the time go?  So much has happened, and I still feel like I just got here.  Such is life.

I am thankful.  First of all, I'd like to thank you, my supporters.  Whether you've supported me prayerfully, financially, or simply by being my friend at some point in my life, you are part of this story.  At several points this year that I've been having a rough few days or week, I've gotten messages out of the blue from friends saying, "hey, you're on my mind, praying for you."  One message can mean the world friends.  Not only do I realize that I'm not forgotten by people "back home," but I know that even in the midst of anguish, God sees me because He is choosing to put me in someone's mind.  Praise Him.  Even if I haven't talked to you since I've been here, I know that prayers are heard.

Nana red light area- one of Bangkok's three areas that caters to foreign men 

In the world that I occupy here, good and evil are pretty tangible.  It's easy to see the dark things, they are particularly open here, and this is part of why Bangkok has the reputation that it does.  It's easy to be overwhelmed by it all.  I am sometimes asked by guests how we do this day in and day out.  Here is the answer: you look at the one.  You keep it small.  I have 30 women who work for NightLight who I get to know and love every single day.  If I am talking to someone on bar outreach or during beauty shop, she is my world for that moment.  In the neighborhood where I work, debauchery, selfishness and pain reign openly.  Sometimes we pray things like, "God show us Your glory in this place!  Come Lord!  But, His glory is already here.

I have met some amazing people this year.  People from all over the world, all different walks of life, all different reasons for being in Bangkok.  Let me tell you about a few of them.   Nora has a beautiful singing voice.  She can also play guitar, and she loves to lead worship.  She's a servant, the first to notice when someone needs something, quick to do the tasks that don't get much credit.  She loves Jesus so much.  Molly has the best laugh I have ever heard.  She cares about people in need, and wants to see them know the fullness of who they are in Christ.  She listens well and is unafraid of preaching the Gospel.  She's dreaming of missions outside of Thailand.  Molly, Nora, and others are finding their strengths in ministry too.  They are bold, strong women, and I'm so thankful that I've gotten to work alongside them this year.

You might have guessed that I was talking about some of the women who work at NightLight.  These women are amazing.  Their love for people is so big.  I could go on forever about how awesome they are.  I don't see them for their past.  I don't see them in light of how far they come.  I do my best to see them as they are, exactly as I described them above.  One of the words that God gave me over this time was "to bring hope and dignity to His daughters."  Dignity means seeing someone as they are, for where they're going, not as they've been.  There's tension in it too though: how do I explain what I just told you, and also explain the importance of our work?  So this is what I have to say: these women are amazing.  Jesus has changed them through and through, so much that their past isn't even the most important part of the story.  And since Jesus is about changing people through and through, I think He wants that for more of His girls working in the sex industry.  His glory is already here.  And we want to see more.  That is how we do what we do.  Because in the midst of overwhelming darkness, we have seen the Light.  God's glory is rising out of this place.  It seems small, but it matters so much.  Because for that one woman, it's her whole life.  Glory be to God, who makes all things new.

And yet, this city is beautiful too and has been my home

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I can't believe that this time is over.  Thank you again, my supporters.  My financial needs this year have been provided for, over and beyond what my target amount was.  This surplus will be given back to NightLight, in a few ways that I have seen different needs.  Because of this generosity, I didn't have to touch any of my own savings for reasons other than travel and a few "extras."  Thus, I've taken a very exciting opportunity that I want to share with you.  A few months ago I found some crazy ridiculously cheap flights to Australia.  I prayed and asked God if this was something that He had for me, and I felt everything saying yes!  One of my friends from early in my time here is Australian, and one of my friends from Hope has been living in Sydney this past year.  One week from today, I will be embarking on an adventure that I only ever could have dreamed would be mine. I'll be in Australia for two weeks, and then I'll work my way back to Thailand via Singapore and Malaysia.  I'll be taking the opportunity for a lot rest and reflection that needs to happen after this year.  Because of the generosity of my financial supporters, I have my own money available to make this reality!  Wow!  Thank you Lord!

Some beautiful NightLight earrings

This might be the last update that I send out before I'm back in the US.  I'm planning some times in December (and afterwards) to share my experiences in Thailand.  I'm more than happy to speak one on one or to groups of people.  I'm also planning to bring home some NightLight jewelry and shirts to sell (you save on shipping), so let me know if this interests you as well!  I have a prayer request as well: I have spent a lot of time and effort thinking and praying and pursuing different options as to my future.  Nothing is certain as of yet.  Can you pray with me that I'll have some peace and clarity, even with the unknown?  Pray that I would choose Jesus over everything in whatever situation.

We Have to Have Compassion for the Men

Surrounding the issues of sex trafficking and prostitution, we talk a lot about the women trapped in the industry.  We hear their stories of abuse and pain, of new found love and freedom.  But what about the other 50%?  What about the men?  In this case I'm talking about the customers, the men who come and participate in some way, whether buying a girl out for a week or having a drink at one of the beer bars with a girl.  I heard it from day one at NightLight, even before, during training:

We have to have compassion for the men.

When I get to this part of my tour speech, I usually say it at least three times.  Because it takes that many times and so many more times for it to sink in.  We have to have compassion for the men.  It's not the immediate reaction that someone will have to observing life in the red light district, it's not the image that anyone has of these men.

 What if the image we had was of a lost and broken human?  What if we thought about these men, not as slobbering pigs, but as people who have been hurt along the way?  These things certainly don't excuse their behavior, but they need to be addressed.  There are a variety of factors that will bring a men to a red light district, and it's probably not just one.  Pornography addiction is a big one.  Porn is addictive in the same way that drugs are, and full of lies about what sex is supposed to be like.  Maybe a relationship fell apart at home.  Maybe he's lonely, or suffered abuse in his past.  Maybe all of these things have made him into someone that he never thought he could be, a man that's not who God made him to be.

We have to have compassion for the men.

I have seen 60+ year old men with 20 year old women.  I have seen men walk into a room and choose a woman like they might look at new shoes or order a meal.  I have seen the fear in her eyes as she leaves with him.  I have seen her face as he grabs at her, when he can't see the disgust and shame in her eyes as she turns away and pretends to have fun.  I have seen so many men who have flown around the world for these temporary pleasures.

We have to have compassion for the men.

The anger in me built up and simmered.  I realized when I saw a foreign man (alone or with a Thai woman), that I would begin to assume the worst of him.  Don't get me wrong, there are some pretty bad dudes that come here, buying sex is never okay, and there is nothing in me condoning what these men are doing.  But over the months of being here, over the conversations with people who have been here much longer than me, I see that anger and condemnation are not the answers.  These things are part of life, and it is not a victory for the Lord if I hold these things.

In July, my Thai class was made up of five American men, one other woman, and me.  I walked in and actually laughed (in my head) because I knew that God was going to use it to teach me something.  Lo and behold, I was right.  In the midst of learning the Thai alphabet (which was actually really fun), we had a lot of interesting conversations about everything from where to find the best Mexican food in Southern California to the distinctions between Thailand's many islands.  They are a nice group guys, and keep in mind I cannot speak for all of their intentions being here in Bangkok, or if these particular guys even engage with the sex industry in any way.

One day, came the moment that I turned a major corner.  He didn't know that I heard him say this, but I overheard one of the guys say, "well, we're just a bunch of numb skulls looking for love."  Yep.  There it is.  These guys are human beings, just like the rest of us.  Are there evil evil things that happen here?  Yep.  Totally.  Is seeing every man as the slobbering pig truthful?  Not at all.

We have to have compassion for the men.

I came here with a heart for women working in Thailand's sex industry.  I was, am, and will be prepared to fight for them in whatever way that may look like.  But, fighting for these women also means fighting for the men.  Because they are worthy of and searching for freedom and healing and identity just as much as anyone else, and because this will never change any other way.  I will leave here with fire in my bones for these women, but for the men who are part of this cycle too.  And it's all because of the one who came that we may be free- Jesus.

An awesome group of guys doing this work right here in BKK: http://www.mstproject.com/

NightLight is in major need of some more volunteers if you or someone you know has a heart for the sexually exploited in Thailand: click here

For Freedom's Sake

Happy 4th of July weekend!  For my celebrations here in Bangkok, I made rice krispie treats with red and blue m&ms to look like the American flag and celebrated with some of my fellow NightLight staff.  We hung out at the pool and even grilled out on a tiny portable grill (such is life when everyone lives in apartments).  We even watched Independence Day until the website we were using cut out.  That's how it is overseas!  It was a good day.

One of my favorites, on sale here

One of my favorite aspects of my job is getting to sell NightLight jewelry.  Anyone who comes through the tour is given the opportunity to purchase, and I've done a few sales at church and even one at the US Embassy (they were having a farmer's market).  I don't think I've explained this recently on the blog, but NightLight operates as a business model.  By employing our women to work for us, they no longer have to work in the bars.  Within their work day, the women have the counseling and classes that help them along their journey of healing, along with working in whatever department they work in.  By learning new skills such as screen-printing, coffee or making jewelry, the women are able to see that they can do something besides the work they had been doing.  This is how earrings, necklaces, and bracelets (and t -shirts and cupcakes and lots of other things) become a source of freedom for these women.  This is how salaries are paid so that these women can support themselves and their families.  By wearing or giving NightLight jewelry, you are a vital part of bringing freedom and healing to women in Thailand.

Swarovski crystals and real pearls for $5?
Doesn't get much better than that!

You may be wondering why I'm choosing to tell you all of this now.  Well, not only do I like encouraging people to support NightLight's work (that's my job!), but I like people to get a good deal in doing that.  Right now, our online store is doing a massive Christmas in July sale, and so there are several awesome pieces that you can get for even more awesome prices.  I've included some pictures of the jewelry as well as the link to the online store.  So, this Christmas in July thing is a really worthwhile time to buy some stuff, for freedom's sake as we say.  Trust me, I can rattle off the prices of most of these pieces and these prices right now (through July 8th) are quite good!

SHOP HERE:

http://store.nightlightinternational.com/default.asp

This lovely necklace comes in lots of colors and is marked down to half off!

Even When It Hurts

So it's actually been two weeks now since I wrote this post.  As much as I've wanted to be open and honest about my life here, I found it so easy to procrastinate on sharing something so personal.  I can also say that I wrote this out of a rough night and that my daily life isn't quite this dramatic.  I've since been taking a break from going into the bars for a few weeks as well, to work through some of the things that have been building up over the last few months.  I'm thankful to be well loved and supported by wiser and more experienced people who have been down this road already.  But, these words need to be shared, so here you go.

"Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again"

Hillsong United times their album releases uncannily with my life it seems.  Their new album, Empires just came out and has been on repeat on my Spotify.  "Even When it Hurts (Praise Song)" stood out instantly to me:

"Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise You
Even when I have no song
I'll praise You
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then, I'll sing Your praise"

Even when it hurts.  Even when I don't know what God's saying.  Even when I don't want to believe it.  Even when it hurts in a way I didn't know it could.

Even when addiction and trauma twist the hearts and minds of those we love so much.

Even when I realize how hard it has become for me to trust men.  Even when I realize that my grounds for being mistrustful of men are nothing to what these girls are going through.

Even when my friends and family are hurting and rejoicing and all of the above and I can't be there.  Even when I have no idea how to be a good friend across the miles.  

Even when I don't want to believe that God has something better for this place because being bitter or apathetic is way easier.

"Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing Your praise"

Even when the girl I had in mind when we came to this bar is already sitting with man three times her age.

Even when she could be my younger sister.  Even when it takes copious amounts of alcohol for her to get through the night.

Even when I look across the bar and see the fear, doubt, confusion, and heartbreak in a man's face and wonder how he ended up here anyways.

Even when I look across the bar and see him treating her the ways no human should ever be treated with a huge smile on his face, and wonder how he ended up here anyways.

Even when it hurts too much.  Even when I want to give up.

"Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial 
Come like hope again"

The real, raw, honest, truth is that the "I will only sing Your praise" line is really hard right now.  Intellectually, I know that it's true.  Sometimes it just doesn't come.  Sometimes it is through the hurt, through the confusion.  Because it has to be true.  The Gospel has to be true, or I'm out.  There has to be an ending to the story different than the present, or I'm done.  Even though hope is so much more painful than apathy and walls, there has to be something that can come out of this, something bigger, the biggest big picture that there could be.  

And yet even recently, we had someone we've been working with for awhile decide to follow Jesus.  And then we got very good news on another case.  God's glory is already rising out of this place.  It's rising out of the pounding base and flashing neon, even as the brokenness is so loud and bright.  I see it in the women at NightLight who have taken their chances for another life and run with it further than anyone could have dreamed or imagined.  I see it in the joy and security that their children have, in the breaking of the cycle that brings the women to this place.  I see it in my coworkers, in who they are and the stories that brought them here, the way that they keep showing up even when its hard, and even when it hurts.  

And here's the other thing- this isn't supposed to be about my feelings.  It's first and foremost about Jesus and then about the people that we are serving.  Since I am an emotional processor and a deep feeler, this is how I choose to share.  I wasn't planning to have a nice ending on this post.  I was going to leave it hanging because so much of life and ministry and caring for people does not wrap up nicely.  I wanted it to sit and make you think.  Yet, it didn't seem right to have one without the other.  Even when I don't feel like it, and even when it hurts like hell, I will choose to sing His praise.

"And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing til the miracle comes"
-Hillsong United

Life Update

It's hard to write.  That's the honest truth.  Some things I can't share, some things I can't find the words to share.  I want to do these people and this experience justice.  I want my friends at home to understand what it's actually like here, because it's probably definitely not what you're imagining.  But how do I honor the people that I work with and meet, without making their stories too sensational?  How do I be honest about my own heart when I don't understand everything myself?  I'll just give you a general life update as of now and see where this goes.

Work-- I am still in the role of doing tours and teams.  The woman I am temporarily replacing is leaving within the next couple of weeks so the role will really be mine!  I'll be leading tours two days a week (as people request them) coordinating for the few teams that we have coming through, doing some local sales here in Bangkok, and also taking over the role of teaching English to some of the women one day a week.  I'll continue going on outreach and helping out wherever I'm needed.  I really enjoy my job, especially getting to meet people from all over the world and telling them about the work that NightLight is doing.  We do some sales around Bangkok as well, and I keep our showroom organized.  If you're interested in checking out our products, here they are.  By purchasing from NightLight products you are providing a way to freedom for a women working in the sex industry, a chance for a different life.

School-- I am about to finish out my third month of studying Thai.  Learning a language three hours a day five days a week is intense to say the least.  I do feel like I'm improving though, and Thai more often than not comes more quickly to me than Chinese finally.  On Monday, my friend Kate and I went to Immigration to have our first two month visa extension.  Some people have to speak Thai with the officials when they go which I was nervous about, but since we got there a little later, they just wanted to move through everyone, and the only thing I said in Thai was hello before they stamped me through.  I was so thankful!  Sometimes my life here feels so normal to me, but then I remember that I'm an expat.  Something that I love about Bangkok is how international it is.  The list of countries that I have met people grows longer and longer.

The Rest-- As two of my former housemates finished their internships and returned home, I moved into a new place with some other women I work with.  I love getting to explore a new neighborhood and get to know my coworkers better.  One of my best friends from study abroad was here for a week after finishing her job in China.  I showed her some of my Bangkok and then we journey north to Chiang Mai.  I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to explore somewhere new with my best adventure buddy.  We got to see elephants (treated humanely of course), eat some awesome food, and see many of the local sights while catching up on the last years of our lives.  I'm so thankful that she was able to be here!

Prayer Requests--

• for NightLight's ministry and staff- that we would seek more of God in all that we do
• for God's glory to continue to rise out of this place, more and more, that the darkness would flee
• for the people and nation of Thailand to know who they are in Christ
• for the men and women both visiting and working in the red light districts, that they would know that they are so much more than their bodies and the brokenness that has happened in their lives

And now some Chiang Mai pictures for you!

• 

  Elephants are so insanely cool!

  

  View of Chiang Mai from atop Doi Suthep

  

  Myks and I at Doi Inthanon

  

  Doi Inthanon

Krabi

Kate, Elisha, and I covered in water
and flour during Songkran celbrations

 Last week was Thai New Years, or Songkran.  Thus, NightLight and school closed for a few days and we had a five day weekend.  My friends and I were advised to get out of Bangkok during this time, so we headed south to Krabi and Thailand’s world famous islands.  Oh my gracious, it was lovely.  We did so  many different things that we’ve joked we came back less rested than when we left, but it was so fun to experience so much and be away from the city and daily life.

We did a boat tour of several islands that included snorkeling, dinner, on the beach, and swimming with bioluminescent (glowing) plankton.  It’s funny how the least expected circumstances are always the most memorable.  At one of the islands we stopped at, we got caught in torrential rain.  Most of the rest of the group was huddled on the boat, but we discovered that the ocean was actually the warmest place to be, and so we laughed hysterically and floated around in the rain.  I’m pretty sure that doesn’t apply to any of the other beaches I’ve ever been to! 

Snorkeling in Koh Phi Phi

Another highlight was snorkeling.  If you don’t know this about me, I spent my childhood in the pool doing synchronized and competitive swimming.  Sometimes I feel more comfortable in the water than on land, yet this part of my life ended with high school.  We snorkeled at a few locations near Krabi and on Koh Phi Phi, perhaps the most well known of Thailand’s many islands.  I have always wanted to be a fish or a dolphin or something.  While breathing through a snorkel mask is fun because you sound like Darth Vader, I abstained from surface exploration in favor of diving as close to the reef as possible.  There were many different types of colorful fish and I followed them around and explored.   We also got to see the glowing plankton, and swimming with them was like dancing surrounded by stars.  Words actually are failing me a little on this one.  I know I will never forget the pure joy and delight of that moment, and of seeing God’s incredible creativity on full display in a way I never had before.

Happiest of days, Koh Lanta

The story that has so far been the most retold from this trip however, happened on Koh Lanta when I managed to crash my motorbike within the first five minutes of being on it.  Though I take motorbike taxis to the train every morning here in Bangkok, I had never driven one of my own.  I had to make a u-turn across the road to go the direction that we needed to go, and in my inexperience I accidentally accelerated into the turn and crashed headlong into the curb.  I think it is the funniest thing ever.  Kinesthetic intelligence has never been a gifting of mine.  I would crash my bike.  Of course I would.  For what it could have been, it actually went pretty well.  I have huge bruises over one arm and my legs, and I gashed my knee and arm open.  I didn’t hit my head in any way, and the curb that I hit was extra tall, which slowed me down much more than if it had been a normal height curb.  After making one of my housemates splash my wounds clean and sitting with my head between my knees for a few minutes (this girl does not do blood), I got back on the bike and had the most lovely day exploring Koh Lanta with my friends.  That day also happened to be Songkran day, which is celebrated by people throwing water on you.  Definitely the best day to learn a new skill, HA.  It was actually really fun.  Koh Lanta isn’t very touristy at all, and has many lush green hills and beautiful beaches.  We got caught in the downpour again and by the end of the day I felt confident enough that I took a solo trip on my bike for some more exploring.  Glory be.

Maya Bay, Koh Phi Phi

I love traveling.  The desire to see and explore is part of who I am.  Krabi surprised me in how different it was than any place I had ever been, and that’s what I love.  I love seeing a new piece of who God is in what He’s made.  I love the thrill of the unknown.  I love how on the edge of the ocean, there is all the room in the world for my thoughts to roam, and I know how small I am and how big God is.  It’s the most comforting thing, to have even a glimpse of how vast He is, yet to know how He sees and cares for me in the most perfect way.  Praise be, I am thankful. Krabi, I’ll be seeing you again someday I’m sure.