You're going to lose your friends. You have no community. You don't deserve continuity. You're never going to feel settled. This was all just a lie. You never belonged here anyways. The water is salty and cold and gross. Since this community apparently isn't real and you're going to leave it soon anyways, it's not even worth it, and you're never going to be happy again. You don't even deserve to be happy. It's not that no one likes you- its that no one wants you around, and your space here went away. You're so screwed up. Get it together. No one's going to want you. You missed this so much and now it's different. Wave after wave after wave. You have no control. This anxiety will rule your life. What are you going to do with your life? You won't enjoy it. Crashing and tossing and turning. Lies, that sounds so much like the truth.
You are never going to be good enough.
Her perspective of the ocean is all wrong now. The waves are big and steel gray and scary, and by some small grace she's not choking on the water more than she can bear, but she's choking and bobbing and trying to find her feet in the sand. This used to be her place, her home. She was happy in this ocean. Home feels all wrong now. But even through the confusion, she is determined to cling to truth- I will keep my eyes above the waves. She knows that she can no more control the ocean than fly to the moon. She holds fast to what she knows to be true, and tries not to let the waves win the day.
Friends row in this ocean too. Those who are willing to stop and listen, to comfort, to speak truth and life, to extend a paddle to a floundering friend. There are moments of joy. Moments where she can breathe. Sometimes she has to pretend to be swimming, swimming with a smile, yet wondering when the cruel waves will come back to taunt her. For these moments she can float freely, she can stop fighting. She wonders where the lifeguard is. It's supposed to be His job to watch and care for her and prevent her from drowning right? It's so strange- she sort of realizes that she could just choose to stop believing that He's watching, but she know's He's right there. She could refuse to think that something good will follow the storm, that the night will bring dawn. It's not that she's happy in the storm, it's that she knows the real deal- the friends have told her that she has to wait it out. The lesson will come. She knows Her lifeguard. He had never failed her before, and she knows He won't start now.
She doesn't feel outside of His will, or that she is being outright disobedient. She's entitled to no sunshine and bliss, yet she so graciously has received it more than most do, more than she could ever deserve. It's just so hard not to want the last times in this part of the ocean to be smooth, and sunny, with lots of friends nearby. But she's not the one guiding the show. She asked the One in charge to lead her deeper, to where she had to trust the lifeguard not to let her drown. She wanted this. But she didn't want this. She's in the current now, the current towards the next place, the one that He is calling her to. But she's too confused to see where that is, much less keep her head above the waves.
She struggles. She fights. She waits.
If the lifeguard doesn't know exactly what He's doing, if the One running the show doesn't have every scene mapped out, who is she really? A Father wouldn't leave His daughter like that. Either He has this and she just has to trust Him, or He's not all powerful, not just, not true.
She waits and hopes. The friends remind her of what is good and true. The waves of crash, but they don't always overwhelm. She learns more about them all the time. She learns about herself. She learns the most about the One who she is trusting.
It happens when she's not even expecting it. She's tired of trying to swim. She's tired of even thinking about it. The friends are gathered around, and they let the Joy steal their souls for that hour. They stop thinking. In this laying down, she finds herself slowly again. Thinking it's just another hour holding onto another boat, she waits for the waves to start rolling again. Except that they don't. Slowly, she realizes the truth.
The lifeguard has come at last. "Baby girl, it's time to come in the boat now." You can breathe. You can stop fighting. I'm right here.
Exactly where He's been all along. Teaching her to trust Him, as He prepares her for greater storms, for unfamiliar waters, the part of the ocean that's not this one, calling her deeper and deeper. The water is calm, blue, full of life again. She's learning, one day to walk on top of the waves. She can't even swim without His strength. It's all by His grace. She knows that she can call on Him, that He can keep her eyes just above the waves, even as she chokes, even as she thinks she just might drown, she is forgotten, not alone, not inadequate, not victim to the lies and anxiety. Because He has already won.
"My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"
"Oceans," Hillsong United
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw
