I spent three weeks in January seeing friends and supporters throughout Chicago, Michigan, and California. It was a dream. I got to return to my home sweet Hope College, which I'd been looking forward to since that May day in 2014 that I left my precious time there. I got to see so many of my nearest and dearest friends, the ones who know me and get me through and through. The chapel band played the song I most wanted to hear, I drank a wild amount of coffee in some of my favorite shops, and I got to experience a blizzard again, which I did miss on some of the hottest Bangkok days. I got to meet new friends and see how so many people I know and love have grown and changed. There were so many things different and people missing, even in the less than two years that I was a student, but I needed to go back to close the circle. Though I was here at home with my parents for six months before I left for Thailand, Hope is the last place that I was rooted before I left, and it will always be one of the greatest gifts I've received. In Southern California I saw two friends from Thailand who are also back stateside, some extended family, and friends from several parts of my life. And I got In N Out burger, and to be at the beach. So overall it was a total win.
With much trepidation, I left sunny San Diego for my cloudy rainy homeland. Taking a low key December and traveling in January was my reentry plan long before I left Thai soil. I thought that I'd receive some striking clarity as time went on. Yet, lightening had not struck from heaven in a big way besides to do what makes the most sense right now: stay here with my parents for now and get a job, hopefully relevant to my field (psychology). And throughout the month, nothing came about. I didn't get the job that I really wanted. And every time I saw just about anyone, it seemed that the first thing they wanted to know was if I'd found a job yet. It's a very fair question. And yet, the Lord is using this process, these past months to remind me that my identity is not in what I do, and that fear-based efforts to control my life with a Big Plan are not His will for me. I don't have a job, I live with my parents, I am the washed up missionary girl, (yes I'm being over dramatic), but Jesus in spite of my sin has chosen to call me His child and see me aside from that sin. He sees me better than I could ever see myself. And that's all I need.
And so I am in a hidden season. I've been doing some volunteer training with the crisis call hotline, going to church, putting together a gallery wall for my room, reading good books, and having some incredibly sweet times with the Lord in the midst of the job hunt. And yet, HE IS FAITHFUL and I am learning and growing and healing and I can't tell you the big "that pain was okay because now this thing happened," yet. Right now, I'll try my best to be here. Until I'm somewhere else. I have some ideas in my head. It is NOT a lack of ideas that I am suffering from, its just figuring out what God wants me to do and how to do it. I've gotten advice that straight up conflicts other advice. I've been given just about every suggestion under the sun I think. And yet, He is faithful.
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