The Three Letter Word That Changes Everything: Pre-Depature Thoughts

First, watch this.  Because it's good and it's the clearest picture of the "so how are you feeling?" question that I've been receiving so much recently!  All credit to my friends at Ekballo Project.

ALSO, I haven't officially announced it on here, but you probably know my now, I am fully funded for my time in Thailand and I will be leaving this Saturday, January 3rd!  ALL GLORY TO GOD!!  Thank you for being a part of this story. Subscribe by email by filling out the bar on the left side of your screen (go to full version if you are on your phone) because my next post will most be likely coming at you live from BANGKOK!!



The vision of my life that has been playing in my head over the last weeks I think has been mainly inspired by this video, as well as some imagery God has given me over the past year and before.

Stick with me here.  I'm being metaphorical.  We'll see how this goes.

The journey towards the edge starts slowly at first.  The sun is setting, a giant ball of orange and pink and gold and wonder.  I am far back on the cliff, wondering if I can trust that great ball of fire who sometimes, amazingly, it is so hard to see.  I am not left alone on this cliff however, sweet friends say, "come on- look how beautiful the sun is.  It's okay.  It's still there.  Move towards it.  You can do it.  Take my hand."  Slowly, they begin to coax me back towards the edge, the edge where recently so much disappointment and pain had been.  I am barely moving, crawling maybe, but I start to move forward.  I have to make a decision though.  It is time to stand up and walk.  I start to walk, growing stronger as those golden rays touch my face.  

Each step forward comes, faster and faster it seems.  The energy pulling me forward fuels each step.  The view changes as I grow closer- I see more of what lies ahead.

I'll stop and explain here.  I knew for awhile that God was calling me to work with human trafficking victims, and shortly after that He was calling to me Thailand.  Before this, He had called me to study abroad in China (spring 2013).  Without writing a separate blog post, it was an amazing experience yet one full of challenges, disappointments, and a gigantic test of faith that totally destroyed and revamped my view of God and myself, hence the difficulty to begin trusting again.  I knew that I had to begin the process of saying yes to God and going to Thailand, yet as I felt that God had let me down (though He NEVER does!) this simple yes was at times agonizing.

I am running now, towards the infinite ocean to the blazing ball of fire that causes my heart to beat, in the greatest journey I could ever go on, chasing the heart of God.  Friends have been running with me the entire time, but as I move faster and faster their faces start to blur and they push me forward, my hands are pulled from theirs as I near the edge.  The edge is terrifying and exhilarating in the deepest way that I know.  I see it closer and I can't stop now, the height is terrifying yet love and grace compel me onward.  All at once, the edge is upon me and I leap into the great unknown, the ocean, the wings of the dawn.

All because of one three letter word.  YES.

I'm more or less reusing the imagery of the video, but let me explain.

Saying YES to God is the single most powerful thing we can do.  Saying yes to love, to bravery, to boldness, to humility, to adventure, to giving up everything that we've known or wanted because HE IS WORTH IT ALL.

Yes can be said in joy with both hands raised.  But maybe, the most powerful yes comes from being curled up on the floor with nothing left to do but trust God through tears and questions and a broken heart.  I know that's how this journey started for me, and since then has contained every possible emotion in between.

Yes is saying no to satan, to sin, to guilt and to shame.  It is saying yes to God's infinite, perfect, costly, free, incomprehensible grace.  Believe me, do I have a lot to learn about that.  As I think of myself on a full, unstoppable sprint towards the edge with only three days left stateside before I move to Thailand, it is my desire for more of the Lord that draws me onward.  It is my desire for Him that has given me my heart for justice for the oppressed, freedom for the captives, and healing for the hearts of people.

I want to say that this desire for God is not exclusive to going to the mission field or any kind of job or location.  It is for anyone and everyone.  I'm not special.  It's just that this is the call on my life, and I have chosen to say yes to my Father in Heaven who is more perfect and loving and challenging and infinite than I can understand.  If He is who He says He is, He is worth all of me and all of my life.

To Him be the glory.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me." -Hillsong United, "Oceans"

"You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore and in the waves... no fear can hinder now that Love had made a way" -Bethel Live, "You Make Me Brave"

"If I rise on wings of dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

"I'll let go of all I have just to have all of You, and whatever the cost I will follow you, Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You, and when I finally reach the end I'll say- You were worth it all." -Meredith Andrews, "Worth It All"

"We say no to fear, we say yes to love, we will follow You where You're leading us." -spontaneous worship from somewhere

Newport Beach, August 2014

Delight in the Mundane, Home, and Heaven

Honestly, I didn't expect this season of being home to be like it has been.

I remember the moment when I finally asked God what He wanted me to do the summer after graduation, and beyond (until Thailand).  I was walking by Pillar Church between 9th and 10th on College Ave. in Holland, Michigan.  The sun was bright and reflecting off piles and piles of glitter snow, my boots crunched along the sidewalk and it was quite cold.  My plan for months before this moment had been to find a job in Holland for the summer, live in a house with a bunch of girls, ride my bike everywhere, go to the beach and the farmers market constantly, and some awesome people get married, before heading home at the beginning of fall to live at home and gear up for Thailand.  Most importantly I would be able to stay with many of the people from my Hope community.

God doesn't always play by our rules though.  I finally openly, honestly, asked the question on that walk home from the library, and I heard, "baby girl, I want you to go home."  I was not happy about this.  Wasn't I already doing enough by going to Thailand?  Couldn't I just stay in my safe community place for a bit longer and have a Holland summer which I've always wanted to have?  Couldn't home actually mean Holland in this case?  It's funny, my longing in my upperclass years to stay at Hope could only be matched by my longing during my underclass years to be home in the Northwest.

Alas, this calling was confirmed and reaffirmed over the next few weeks.  I decided to stay for three extra weeks to make at least one of the weddings I had wanted to go to and God miraculously provided me with a job and a place to stay for that short time.  In this time He gave me another word about my time at home- "I have called you to the mundane, but I will delight you."  And, without the pressures of school and my impending and very final departure from Michigan approaching I got to have some really good times with people as well.  I also realized, that Holland would never, ever, be Hope again.

Usually, I fly between places.  This time, I set out on a two week solo cross country road trip.  The initiative to step on the gas and not turn the car around was all mine.  An iced Buzzed from LJ's to fuel my journey, one last roll through campus, turning onto the highway, and I was gone.  I was the only one to witness it's significance.  It was a slow, drawn out, goodbye.  Yet God in His mercy filled it with hellos as well.  I saw a friend from Kenya, four Hope friends (some of whom I hadn't seen in over a year), my Colorado church family, and friends from high school and camp.  I made it all the way from Holland to Silverdale while being able to stay with someone I knew every night.  THAT'S CRAZY.  Unreal.  Amazing scenery, food, people, and introvert time for me to begin processing what the heck had just happened in my life.

Now I live my quiet life at home, fundraising, working and going to church and Bible study.  That's pretty much it.  I usually get a somewhat adult amount of sleep every night.  I am a cashier at Staples.  It is neither glamorous nor terrible.  I expected a lonely season.  At first the contrast of not having literally too many people to potentially be with at any given time was a shock.  I felt so lost without the fall back of my community.  But the God's promised delights started arriving within days of me being home, I had a friend from Hope passing through Seattle.  And then another reunion in Southern California as part of a road trip with my best friend.  And then another in October.  And a Seattle/Hope reunion.  And then another  19.5 hour glory session.  And that's only Hope friends.  I see my high school friends whenever they happen to be rolling through too.

I have an awesome little crew of friends here, now.  People I didn't know before.  I enjoy being around them and as far as I know they enjoy being around me too because I guess they keep inviting me to do things.  That would be weird if they didn't actually like me.  WHAT?  JESUS.  YOU'RE SO GOOD.  I DON'T EVEN DESERVE IT.  God's goodness isn't only indicated by the presence of people in our lives, because sometimes they don't seem to be there, but He still is.  The point is, God keeps His promises.  Always.  And He didn't have to give me friends during this season, yet He did.

And here's the other thing.  I've been missing Hope more recently, because the reality that it will be at least another year before I'm there has set in.  The engagements for summer 2015 weddings are rolling in weekly and the list of weddings I won't be at gets longer and longer.  There is a piece of my heart, and oh so much hurt and growth and glory and best memories that will always be tucked away in a little Dutch town in the mitten state.  Most of my college friends are still there in the area or finishing up school.  It's the smallest moments I miss, the faces and laughs and voices that I crave most of all.  But, I'm here.  And thus my heart is also here now too with my little crew and my family and coffee shops and good things.  And then I'll leave yet again and move to Thailand and meet gobs of new people who come in and out of my life yet again.  Such is mission life.  Such is long distance.

Maybe, home is where I am AND where I've been AND where I'm going.  Maybe home is eternity.  Because I will never be completely at home again on this earth.  Some place and someone will always be missing from me.  Just today I've thought about the dim golden light of Dimnent Chapel on a Sunday night, climbing mountains in Colorado, and a thousand other moments.  I also sat with two awesome friends and my parents at church today and got to hear about what God's doing in Mongolia.  At one point it was remembering my favorite Kenyan toddler in my arms so much that I thought my heart would explode.  And then I was imagining what my life will be like in Thailand, knowing that my expectations will do nothing justice until I am there experiencing everything.

More than anything, I want Jesus.  He's the one that have given me these experiences, and has given me the heart that longs to travel and love everyone I meet.  It's part of His plan to bring me closer to Him.  I've been pushed to what I thought was beyond breaking only to hear His still small voice with such loving kindness, "I'm still here, I'm all you have and all you need."  I don't know what the next year of my life will hold because two months from today I will once again leave everything that I know for yet another adventure.  I don't know how my heart has learned to do it, I know it will be hard to say goodbye again, it can only be from the Lord.  Because my home is in Him, and that means that my home and my heart are in a million places, yet always with me.  Because He is always with me.

"If home is where the heart is, then my home is in heaven" -Furnace to Fields, "Lets Go On a Journey"

"The taste of eternity is here on our lips, with every breath we sing for Your majesty is here in our midst" -Bellarive, "Taste of Eternity"

My last Lake Michigan sunset for quite some time, 5/26/14

I am just over halfway towards my fundraising goal of $15,000 to cover my expenses for my time in Thailand!  Thank you SO much to everyone who had already given.  I am amazed at what God is doing!  I know that God will provide for all of my needs, and He does this through His people!

If you still wish to give, click on the "Support Me" tab at the top of this page or  http://heartafterchrist.blogspot.com/p/support-me.html

Please continue to join me in prayer!  Here are some requests that I have right now:

--for my full funding to come in

--that God would continue to prepare my heart, that I would know Him more and more each day.

--for the people and ministries fighting sex trafficking in Thailand

--for God to be glorified!

If you would like to receive an email whenever I update this blog, there's an email update box on the left side of your screen.  If you are looking at this on a phone, look for "see full web version" at the bottom of the page.

I was planning to write a longer post today, but I am just not feeling inspired to write right now, so I'll wait until I have something more to say!  Thanks for visiting and thanks for your support!

The song of my week right now is "Holy (Wedding Day)" by The City Harmonic.  It's about us, the church (Christ's bride) and how one day the bride and groom will be reunited.  It popped up on my Pandora a few days ago and I've been listening to it on repeat, because it reminds me of exactly right where I need to be- in the presence of Jesus, sitting at His feet. 

A Sweet Word About Identity

***Welcome to my Thailand blog!  Until January, I'll be posting updates about my progress towards the mission field, as well as thoughts and updates from my life now.  Life with Jesus never stops, no matter where we are, and I know He's doing loads in this season of preparation!  Look to the left side of your screen if you want to be notified by email whenever I update this blog.  Thank you for your support!

I've been training for a triathlon.  Yep, I'm kind of surprised too.  I knew that it would be good to do something athletically productive during my time at home, so I've been training throughout the summer with a group of women here at home.  The structure and accountability that the group provides is also the only way that I would have had the courage or motivation to even attempt anything like this.

--1/2 mile swim- no problemo.  I love water more than land and I spent my childhood at the pool.  No worries here.

--15 mile bike- nerve wracking at first, yet I've come to really like biking.  I love that pushing it up a hill is usually followed by getting to flyyyyy down.  I like going fast.  It's work, but it's enjoyable.

--3.4 mile run- I wish we did the events in the opposite order.  This for me is the humiliation of junior high PE, its sweaty, its tired, it's scary it's YOU CAN'T in my mind over and over again.  Yuck.

I was involved in sports (mostly water related) all throughout my childhood.  I have never by any stretch been an athletically gifted person.  I was in sports more for the social aspect.  I like to eat.  I didn't do sports or make working out one of my priorities in college.  Since I was a little girl, satan has fed me lies about my body image.  So without getting excessively personal and writing a short novel, that's the history.

Coming home into an open six months, with maybe 1/4 the volume of commitments I've been used to having, and in preparation for Thailand, I decided that it would be a good time to tackle these things head on.  It's been a journey.  Honestly, I haven't even been excessively serious about training aside from official Tri Babes stuff as I thought I would be.  One of the many lessons learned: challenges are infinitely easier in community.  The journey hasn't been about radically dropping time or working my body to oblivion, but in working hard something much deeper has happened.

The biggest result of this journey has been a slow and subtle shift in some of my thinking.  My mental tape has shifted from hate to "good job, strong body."  It doesn't mean I got up that hill at lightning speed, it doesn't mean it was easy, it means that my body DID that for me and that is miraculous!  Another lesson: encouragement is monumentally more helpful than criticism.

But here is the moment from the other night that I originally sat down to write about.  I was doing a bike ride on my own to get ready for this Sunday and I was pushing it up a steep little hill that I hadn't ridden before.  I felt it in my legs.  I was pretty proud of myself, as I realized I was nearing the crest of the hill.  God's voice interrupted my thoughts and He said something to the effect of, "The fact that you're my daughter is still more important.  It's still what makes you you."  

This accomplishment, which I have fought to achieve.  This, which the world and the people in my life tell me is a good thing.  It certainly is!  It's a big deal!  Yet, It is still not where my identity truly lies.  I could be the fastest or slowest finisher, I could be the prettiest and have the best body ever, I could be ugly, ultimately, it is NOT what matters.  I could become a perfectly proportioned super athlete, I could do any number of things that are very good things, it would still not be where my identity lies.

He calls me Daughter.  He has adopted me from my sin and sure death, for nothing that I could ever give Him, BUT BECAUSE LOVE.  BECAUSE GRACE.  BECAUSE REDEMPTION.  The only thing I can do is response is give my life to His glory.  That includes my future, my day to day, and yes, this triathlon.

I have a choice on Sunday.  Which thoughts do I choose to believe?  Do I do what I've done my whole life and believe that I'm not good enough, or do I choose victory?  It's an easy choice.  It will only be by the strength of the Lord that I swim, roll, and drag myself through the race on Sunday.  It will be for His glory, because He is worthy, and He is the one who has set me FREE.

"And oh as you run, what hindered love, will only become, part of the story..." -Steffany Gretzinger

One of our lake swim evenings

Dear Hope Freshman

Dear Hope Freshman,

I remember this day too well.  The heat and the moving and the awkward and the excited.  It's surreal, isn't it?  You are at college.  Take a minute and let that sink in.  I'm guessing that you're somewhere between wanting to curl up and cry and wanting to meet and know everything and everyone in this new place as quickly as possible.  Or you're alternating between the two at lightning speed.  But, I don't know you, so who am I to say?

I don't know where you've been or what your story is or where you're going or what you're hoping to get out of college.  Though I wish I could buy you the caffeinated beverage of your choice and find out all of these things, my time at Hope is done.  I don't know you, but I know the place that you are at, and I know what happened to me and my people during our time at Hope.  This is probably more for my own thoughts than anything else anyways, but here you go.

Jesus.  This guy.  If you don't know much about Him, find out some more.  You'll hear about Him a lot over the next few years.  If you already know Him, find out more.  There's always more to know.  Whoever you are, He loves YOU (yes, you!).  Whatever baggage you might have, look again.  Give it another try.  There's no time like the beginning of college for a fresh start.  And the awesome thing about God is that there are unlimited fresh starts, whenever, no matter what.

The people always define an experience don't they?  Find your people.  Find people who love you for who you are and challenge you to become that person more completely.  Find people who are pursuing what you're pursuing.  Don't settle for being treated as less than the valuable and important person that you are.  Better yet, consider others as better than yourself and treat them with the dignity and respect.  Some advice from the wise guy in the last paragraph.  But anyways.  You have my word that there are some awesome people in the grades above you who are so ready to love, know, and walk with you.  Get to know them.

There's so much that I want to tell you, but here's one more point.  Don't ever, EVER, pretend to be okay when you aren't.  We have a human tendency to want to always prove the best of ourselves to each other don't we?  Trouble is, when everyone only shows one side of themself, we start to think that everyone else is happier than us, so something must be wrong.  It's impossible to be happy all the time.  Don't live into this lie.  Don't compare.  No one wins.  College is often a really awesome time, but sometimes the best growth comes out of really hard things and sometimes really bad things just happen.  Be honest.  Be the friend who speaks truth to the friend who can't hear it for himself.

What a great adventure you have begun.  Make it great.  Get involved in things that matter.  Push beyond your comfort zone.  Seek Jesus.  Personally, my move in weekend was less than spectacular, but it got better.  It gets better.  I promise that the panic in your soul right now will fade with time.  I promise you that it will be hard.  I promise you that it will be worth it.  And while you're at it, stay up late and laugh hard with the people that will become your family.  And if I were to meet you today and then see you again a few years from now, I hope that I wouldn't even recognize you.  I hope that you become who you are that much more. You picked a really good place to make that happen.  Welcome to Hope, 2018.  Welcome home.

Sincerely,
An Overly Sentimental Hope Graduate, aka Karen Harvey '14

You may or may not have your life together on graduation day

Abundance

I get to live within driving distance of this!  Praise God man!

It's been awhile.  I graduated, hung out in Holland, and then drove my car 3,000 miles home, seeing friends old and new all along the way.  Now I'm at home in Washington, living with my family and looking for a job before I leave for Thailand six months from now.

I'm in a transition.   I was driving into Washington on my trip, and decided to turn on "Home" by Ben Rector to commemorate crossing the border into my home state.  I regretted this decision by the time the first verse was over.  He sings, "But there's no fools like the ones I love oh no, so good Lord Almighty take me home."  When I think of "my friends" I think of my Hope friends- all still back in Michigan or scattered around the country and the world for the summer.  That's my group.  My crew.  My pack of goons, the fools that I love.  I don't get to go back to that.  That's not home anymore.  And it's not as though everything is exactly as it was back there and I'm just not there.  It's gone, and it's not ever going to be like that again.

Today I was listening to some music that I've had for at least a year and never actually listened to, House Fires, perpetually free on Noisetrade.  It's what I think of as "house worship," just a bunch of people hanging out and singing praises to Jesus with acoustic instruments.  One of their songs is "God of Abundance," which repeats over and over again, "You're the God of abundance, You're the God of abundance."  My college years certainly were ones of abundance.  An abundance of friends, community learning, sleep deprivation, coffee, and opportunities for worship and teaching.  I loved it.  I'm listening to the song, and remembering the feeling of sitting in a group of people that I love, singing just like that.  Oh the abundance of those moments.  I'm thankful for how deeply I drank them in before I left Holland for good.

The biggest temptation as a graduating senior is to be cynical and angry that the "best years" are over, and that life is nothing like what it used to be.  I'll probably go through this around the time school starts again, but I haven't been feeling this super hugely since graduation.  I was in Holland with said friends, and then I was reuniting with more friends and seeing new parts of the country (basically everything I love).  As another random gift from the Lord, a dear Hope friend was visiting the Seattle area within a few days of me coming home.  It's the littlest things that make me the saddest.  The moments when I wish that so and so could share a moment with me and realizing that that might realistically never happen.

Truth doesn't change though.  Though college was a time of much abundance, God is still the God of abundance.  For me now, it's an abundance of evergreen trees, job applications, and mountain views.  It's an abundance of time with God Himself.  It's an abundance of interceding for Thailand and the people that love.  God Himself is abundance.  An abundance of love and grace and redemption and truth.

This is where I choose to fix my gaze.  On God and who He is.  On the fact that He continually wants me to live fully as His daughter, in spite of my constant actions to the contrary.  Not only does He often provide more abundance than we even see, He is abundance.

This doesn't mean that I don't miss my people, because I do, in a quiet, deep, constant way.  But I've already seen so many people "again," from whatever season of life they are from and I have six more months in the States to do that, not to mention all of the new friends I'll make in my time here at home.  I know that this is where God wants me to be right now, and that gives me such a peace.  He is the God of abundance, wherever, whenever, whoever, whatever.  Amen and amen!

To My Brothers

I am blessed to have some great guy friends, brothers in Christ.  I haven’t really had many guy friends before my last two years of college- I was always in all girls sports, I’ve always felt awkward around guys since middle school, and I lived in an all girls dorm my first two years at Hope. 

The guys I’m talking about most of all put Jesus first in their lives.  His love shines through them.  They seek God as the source of their strength, courage, and wisdom.  They seek to love and serve as He would in the ways that they live their lives, not just every now and then.  The guys I’m talking about are not ashamed of the Gospel.  They aren’t perfect either, but those things don’t define them, and they’re honest about their struggles.  I have guys who I spend time with, whose advice I choose to seek, and who love and encourage me as a sister.  They treat me and other women with the utmost respect, and seek to honor God in their relationships, while still being fun to be around, and being their goofy crazy selves.  I trust them and feel safe around them.  This is a gift.

I was thinking about this one day, and thanking God for these relationships and the love and wisdom that I’ve gained from them.  He then spoke something to me quite clearly:

“Baby girl, it’s because I want you to know that there are good men.”

Tears in my eyes.  I know that this won’t always be the case.  When I go to Thailand, the people that I interact with, and who I will be serving have not known this kind of love.  They have been used, abused, and disregarded by men.  I will see the men who treat women as objects for their own enjoyment rather than as treasures, as beautiful daughters of the King. 

If I know myself at all, this is going to make me really, really angry.  It will be incredibly easy for me to give into this anger, to let satan work more destruction and pain where there is already too much.  But I refuse.

There are good men.  I know this because I know some of them, and I know that there are many more like them, and I’ll meet some of them in Thailand too.  I refuse to become a man basher.  All of us are trapped in evil in some way, but we have the option of freedom through the death and resurrection of Jesus who has taken our sin away from us so that we don’t have to suffer the eternal consequences of it.  My prayer is that I can see all people in this way, and not ignore my own brokenness in criticizing someone else’s.  I want to be a woman who knows that men can do better and calls them higher.  It breaks my heart that people are trapped in evil in such ways, but God’s love and truth is greater and stronger even than this.

Lastly, to the men of integrity in my life- thank you does not even begin to cover it.  Thank you for showing me that there are good men.  The way that you conduct yourselves, the way that you treat women and all people that you meet does not go unseen, by those around you or by our Father in heaven.  Your love for Him shines so brightly.  Thank you for encouraging me, usually without even knowing it, for chasing God’s glory more than what the world has to offer.  I don’t even know a fraction of what I’m going to encounter in Thailand, but I know that the presence of you guys in my life right now is part of God preparing me for that season. 

There will and is so much that tries to bring you down, that tries to focus your eyes downward instead of up.  Keep looking up.  I know that you have something that you struggle with, because we all have that this side of heaven.  Hear me loud and clear here: God is stronger than you, your weakness, and your past.  You are not defined by your sin, by guilt, by shame.  The God of the universe has still chosen to call you son. 

Really though, I have to give the credit to God.  For letting me learn this particular lesson in such a rich and wonderful way, for bringing me brothers who love and support me.  May we not be seen, so that He may be seen. 

Thank you!

BIG thank you shout out to Orange Leaf of Holland for their help in coordinating a fundraiser for me today, and to everyone who came out and ate froyo, donated, hung out with me, or wrote kind words!  This was my first official fundraising event and I'm so excited to finally be under way!  I'll post a grand total when I know it!

You Make Me Brave

There's a song I'm obsessed with right now, called "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel.  This song gets pretty crazy.

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the Love that made a way

This is the part of the song that starts to build, the music gets louder, the key changes, more hands fly up.  God does make us brave.  As the song says, "God is for us, He is not against us."  This is true.  He gives us boldness to declare the Gospel by the power of the Holy Spirit.  It's so awesome!  I was just now jamming out to this song, thinking about the times when I don't feel brave.  Does saying I'm brave make me brave?  I think that speaking truth aloud is really powerful.  Really, God makes me brave.  

People think I'm brave.  

Because I'm moving halfway around the world or this thing or that thing.

Confession: I'm terrified.  I'm scared that what happened when I studied abroad will happen again, and that this time I won't get to come back to the Hope community to be pulled up again.  I'm scared of living in a place where I don't speak the language and the isolation that this brings.  I'm scared that I will become so hurt and hardened and jaded and angry that I'll lose something important about myself.  I'm scared that I'm not strong enough.  I'm scared that I'm not good enough.

Good enough for God?  The above lies put me in a precarious position.

As if I can impress God.  As if what I do or don't do changes the way that He looks at me or my identity as His daughter.  As if His presence or goodness is conditional upon my circumstances.  As if.

I am not brave, but I know One who is.  He endured more than I could even imagine only to come back with the greatest victory the world has ever seen.

I don't have to be brave of my own accord or my own strength, because ultimately those will fail me.

My hope is in God.  His call to step out is always met with His presence.  The hand reaching out through the waves.  We will fall, and fall hard.  We're still in our earthly lives here.  But it's not about us.  It's about choosing to trust Him, choosing to put His glory above every other single thing that we can chase after, dwelling in His grace, and running faithfully along the path that He has given us.  There's no way I can do this on my own.  Thankfully, the One who can and does do it has adopted me as His daughter.  Thankfully He has set me free from believing the lies that define me by my failure.  He gives me feet for the journey as this passage from Habakkuk says, and He is my strength.  Not even my feet that He gives me are my strength, but He is my strength.

I'm am stirred on by a love and compassion that is greater than my fear.  By the fire in my heart that says that the imprisonment and abuse of my sisters is wrong.  By the fire that says that Jesus is the way and that everyone deserves to know that.  Most of all, by God Himself.  Through pursuing more of who He is and by loving Him.

Because HE has made me brave.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc

Love is Never in Vain

This past week, I traveled to New York City with 9 fellow Hopesters and one fantastic admissions rep for what we call a spring break immersion trip.  It's basically a mission trip with a more unique title.  If I've seen you in person I've given you a basic rundown of the big events, but this is more of what I've been thinking about since we got back.

It's usually what happens, but God so exceeded my expectations on this trip.  I'm a second semester senior.  I have to confess that investing in new relationships really isn't the first thing on my mind right now.  I was also the only upperclassman on the trip, which made me feel a little disconnected especially in the first couple days.  However, I was committed to being there and excited to get to know everyone, knowing that lots can happen even in a short time, but still not sure where I really fit.  Here's the problem though- I was shutting off my heart to what God could be doing during the week.

Some incredible things happened within those on my team that week, and those are probably what's most important to me looking back, and what gives me the deepest joy.  Friends who have a deeper desire to know and follow Jesus.  There is literally nothing better than that to me, because knowing Jesus is the best thing there is!  I think we all realized to some degree that God's world is a whole lot bigger than Holland, Michigan and that people are people no matter where they've been or what they've done.  Honesty is a big deal- whether it is in telling life stories, or just in the way we live.  Perfection is a lie, and striving towards it is pointless and impossible.  We all learned these lessons and many more.  But its now that I'm back in my own life that I'm realizing what God did in my own heart.

I don't have the easiest time letting people in, really letting them in.  One of my prayers this entire school is that my heart of stone would be replaced with a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).  I don't want to say goodbye because I don't want it to hurt.  It's easy to project painful past experiences onto the present.  I can have a really awesome relationship with someone but never let them into the deepest part of my heart.  I'm definitely not saying that every relationship is going to be super deep and meaningful because that would just be impossible.  What I am saying is that while it feels like I'm protecting myself by going into relationships with walls up, it really hurts me and makes me feel more disconnected in the long run.

We shared our life stories each night.  Incredible.  Tears in my eyes and jaw on the floor amazing people that God put together on this team.   I saw friendships form over shared pasts, I saw the freedom that comes from speaking things aloud, I see God's hand over each person in a unique way.  We spent our days together, sorting cans, working on a house, riding in the van, serving meals to the hungry, exploring one of my most favorite cities in the whole world, and laughing with and at each other.  Oh did we laugh.  The more time went on, the more the hardness in my heart seemed to chip away.

 I had thought that I had nothing left.  I knew the words God had spoken earlier in the semester: "God, how am I going to have the energy for this, how am I going to do this?"  "Baby girl, you're gonna do it with me."  Woah.  God did not forsake this promise in the slightest.  The growth and impact that I saw happen within all of us and the divine encounters that we had exceeded my wildest expectations for what the trip could be.  Because that's what happens when God does His thing.  Gratitude.  You guys, He's just that good!  He redeems and saves people and uses them to bring more of His glory to earth.  I'm in awe that I even get to be a tiny part of it, because I certainly don't deserve to be.

You've probably guessed where this story goes by now.  Heart of stone?  Shattered.  Gone.  Do I regret letting people in and loving them fiercely?  No.  Funnily enough, despite all of my fears and constructs, I don't.  I don't regret it at all.  All of the stress, anxiety, and planning that went into the trip?  Worth it.  Not only were my fears released but the anxieties that I was praying into were the prayers that were straight up ANSWERED.  Wow, God!  God calls us to love people.  I know for me, that the more time I spend with people, the more I love them. The more I pray for them, the more I receive God's heart for them.  I see them as incredibly made exactly as God wanted them to be.  How does all of this feel?  Joy.  Pure joy.  Loving people is never a bad idea.  It's hard and heartbreaking but its always worth it.  It's what we're made to do.

To my sweet team.  You impacted  me without even knowing it this week.  Thanks for loving so fiercely, me and most of all the people we met.  Thanks for being raw and honest and messy and beautiful with your stories, for seeking more of Jesus through them.  Thanks be most of all to God, for breaking my heart of stone and letting me experience Your joy this spring break!

To Bring Hope and Dignity to His Daughters

So I'm moving to Thailand.  I'll be working with NightLight International Bangkok, ministering to women working in prostitution.  I could be involved in a variety of activities, from doing outreach in the red light district in the evenings, to caring for children, helping with administrative tasks, working in the coffee shop (yes please!), or whatever else will be most beneficial to the ministry.  I'll also be learning Thai.  I'm going through an organization called Impact School of Missions, so I'll have training with a cohort of interns my first month in Bangkok though we will be placed in different ministries.  I'll be headed over in January 2015, and I'll be there for about a year.

How did I get here?  Why am I going?

Jesus.

That's the shortest answer that I can give.  Jesus suffered mightily on behalf of the sins of all humanity, because He LOVES US SO MUCH.  His love is freely given though it is undeserved.  His grace inspite of our sin is abundant.  Claiming to be a follower of Jesus means that I am willing to give my life in whatever way God asks me to.  It means that everyone deserves to know His name and what He did.  It means that since my heart beats for Him, it also beats for justice for the enslaved and healing for the broken.

The longer story of why I'm moving to Thailand for a year began in my freshman year of high school when I read Sold by Patricia McCormick.  It's written from the perspective of a young girl trapped in a brothel, sold for sex many times a day.  It was my first exposure to the existence of such atrocities and it blew my mind that a girl could be abused in such a way.  Not every child has the gift of this kind of innocence.  I read more books and learned more and got older.  Stopping human trafficking is something I've been passionate about for awhile.

I went to the Urbana conference a year and a half ago.  17,000 college age students gathering together to learn about missions, God's heart for the nations, and to worship.  It was a life changing experience.  There's a night there where we stood up if we were hearing God's call to long term missions in some way, and filled out a small card with whatever our commitment was.  The speaker, after telling her own incredible story of witnessing to the Gospel in one of the most challenging places on earth, was talking about how the Light of the Gospel of Jesus needs to shine in the darkest of places on earth.  In my mind, I saw eyes- dead and without hope.  I saw a red light, shining in the darkness.  I wrote on my card "to bring hope and dignity to His daughters."  I checked that I would go into missions long term.  And there you have it.  Other moments I recall up to this point were hearing the song "Reckless" by Jeremy Camp at a concert over the summer, a late 4am night spent pacing my house in November and realizing that I would be applying to NightLight, the settling of the knowledge that the answer to my "after college questions" involved bringing light to women who have been undignified and abused.  Several people in my life recently have been set free from the effects of sexual sin, whether it be pornography addiction or childhood abuse.  We are learning how interrelated all of these issues are, such as trafficking and pornography, and just how deep this kind of brokenness can run.  Their perseverance and continual claim that Christ is victor, along with the pain that I feel with them for what has happened to them, has inspired me to combat this evil in whatever way I can.

As I talked to friends, family, and wise mentors about NightLight, I have not had a single person tell me that they thought it was a bad idea.  God uses His people all the time.  A wise teaching that I recently heard was that the way to discern things is through the Word of God, the Spirit of God and the people of God.  The Word has countless mentions sharing the Gospel with those who do not yet know it, going to the nations, shining light, and a host of other commands that directly relate to my experience.  This verse is a prophecy from Isaiah that was made about Jesus: "The Spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from the darkness for prisoners" (Isaiah 61:1).  This is what Jesus is in the business of doing.  As far as discerning from the Spirit, I prayed and prayed.  I stopped praying for direct revelation and simply started praying that I would make the right choice and that God would put me where He wanted me.  I've been terrified at the thought of what lays ahead, yet I've never had the feeling that I was making the wrong choice.  I have to say, I think I'm three for three on this one.

This is about Jesus, not about me.  I want to see Him glorified in the time and place and with the people that He's going to be placing with me.  This isn't going to be a vacation.  I don't (yet) speak an ounce of Thai.  I don't know how to relate to someone who has been violated and abused for the profit of others every night for years.  I don't know what I would do if I came into contact with someone who could do these things to another human.  I don't know how I'm going to raise the funds that I need to be there.  I'm almost tripling the amount of time I've been away from home at any one time before.  I don't know how I'm going to process the darkness and pain that I'm going to work so closely to.

There's one answer: Jesus.  It's for Him and in Him and through Him that I step out into this next great unknown, away for the last time from this place called Hope, into a life that I can't yet imagine.  I am spectacularly unqualified for what I'm about to do, yet strength comes for the Lord.  These women deserve to know Him and be set free from their captivity, they deserve to know that they are fierce daughters of the Most High God, that He has called them by name, that His heart breaks for the evil that has been done to them, that He loves them pure and blameless, and that He wants them to know Him as Lord.  They deserve hope and dignity.

"The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it." -John 1:5

"There is no pit that God's love is not deeper still." -Corrie ten Boom

http://nightlightinternational.com/bangkok/
https://www.facebook.com/NightLightInternational

How He Loves

I remember a moment, three and a half years ago.  It was my fourth whole day at Hope College, at the annual favorite tradition, Groovin in the Grove.  Two straight hours of chapel band in the pine grove.  Hundreds of classmates giving glory to God.  I didn't know most of the songs we sang at the time, but "How He Loves" has long been one of my favorites.  It hit me in that moment, tentatively standing at the back of the crowd with my new roommate, looking out over the crowd, some with hands raised, all singing out.  These are my classmates.  I get to call this place home, go to school here, where so many people around me love Jesus like I do.  It was a new experience at that time, and it was so beautiful.  In a haze of lost and confused and what did I just do, God brought peace through that moment.

Fast forward, from semester one to semester eight.  After worship.  "How He Loves."  Everyone in the band stopped singing loud so I just heard the crowd behind me.  I thought of that moment freshmen year, when everything was so new that I didn't even have a context for it.  However, I knew that God would not forsake me and that He brought me to Hope beyond the shadow of a doubt.  I know that will be true of the next season.  There's something so powerful about declaring truth together.  Maybe we should do it more often.

I still love this song because it's so simple, yet so profound.  The God of the universe loves us, individually, by name, as His kids.  It's radical and beautiful.  I'm stepping into another season now, and its really important that I receive the love of the Father.  It's the response to His radical love that I live out each day of my life.

Especially in the big transitions, its important to seek more of who God is and to celebrate Him and the things that He does.  It's glitter snow and praying with friends and learning guitar and singing in community and Hudsonville Turtle Pecan ice cream during the Oscars. 

These gifts are not essential to the love the Father, and receiving them or not doesn't mean that someone is more or less loved by Him or that they have or haven't done (or not done) anything to deserve them.  It's just a tiny snapshot of the good things that come from Him, because He is goodness and He is the only way.

It's the Little Things

Here are some unsolicited thoughts on life that I have.  Take it as you wish :)

-True friends are the people who you can make laugh and who make you laugh.  Laugh often.  

-Pancakes late at night are always a good idea.  The waitress will probably give you the smiley face kids pancake if you ask, even if you are 21 instead of 12 or under.

-Encouraging others will probably encourage you at least as much as it encourages the other person.  Not that it's a reason to do so, but joy comes in looking away from ourselves.

-It's often what we don't expect that delights us the most.  Sometimes its good to let it happen and not burden ourselves with worrying about every detail.  I can panic about the future or enjoy the present.  There is a time for both of these things, but the second one is really important, especially right now.

-Sometimes God brings us through painful things to grow us, and the effects of that pain and growth can't always be seen right away.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." --Ezekiel 36:26

All that's dead can be and IS reborn.  Beauty comes from ashes.

I'm Not Who I Was

One of the marketing slogans for my study abroad organization is "Your World: Redefined," referring to different aspects of life that are redefined abroad, such as public transportation, lunch time, weekends, or whatever it may be.  This led to many jokes in my program, mostly around varying Chinese standards of bathroom cleanliness.  What IES can't tell you, is how true this may actually be, for more than bathrooms, etiquette, and sense of time.

I'm not who I was.

The hardest part of my abroad journey was coming back to Hope and realizing that the place that I left, and the person that I was then are gone and that they aren't coming back.  Reality set in after the initial face of running and screaming and hugging and unfulfilled (and fulfilled) promises for coffee dates.  My stories weren't dramatic in the way some people may have expected.  I could barely articulate anything.

Since September, I've gone through periods of intensely desiring pre-China Karen.  She seemed so much more confidant of who she was and where her life was going.  For me, coming home from abroad also aligned nicely with the beginning of the senior questioning, "So what are you actually going to do with your life like immediately in the next year when everything you've known for the last four years changes?"  The time that being at college was all that mattered is gone.  The kicker is that I had an answer to this question before I went to China, and then that got turned on its face.  I don't know who I am or what I'm made to do anymore.  (This is an exaggeration.  I have ideas and things that I'm pursuing right now, but these questions are still pressing).

I've spent way too much time and energy wishing for things to be different.  Also, just because things aren't the way I want them to be doesn't mean that I've done something wrong to deserve it.  This is severely limiting God's sovereignty and loving character.

I'm not going to have any huge ideas of what I'm doing for the next few years.  The feeling of unsettled turbulence probably isn't going to get significantly better, I'll just figure things out a little at a time.  However, I have the choice to be upset about it or not.  I can dig in my heels and protest leaving my home sweet Hope, or I can look back at the incredibly ways God has proven His grace, sovereignty and tendency to blow my expectations out of the water, and know that He has the next thing coming, and that right now is a time to trust Him.

God replaces the anxiety, the doubt with desire for more of who He is.  With His presence comes peace and contentment.  (Philippians 4)

I'm not who I was, and I can be upset about it or I can move forward with it, trusting that I'm being refined, for good even if it's at an alarming rate.  My life changed so utterly completely that it's taken awhile to figure it all out.  I finished a journal recently, and on the last page I wrote down a few things that I'm going to leave behind in that journal.  I closed the book, and made the choice not to let myself by held captive by those lies anymore.  Life with God is an adventure, and I'm thankful for where I've been and who it's making me to be.

To the Seniors-

This are some things that represent consistency to me (Jesus, Christmas lights, mountains (specifically Mt. Rainier), and coffee dates).

If you're a senior, whether college or high school or something else, or you're transitioning in life or you're not, this post is for you.

I moved back to college for the last time today.  I'll be gone for a week for spring break, and for a few days at a time for a weekend or whatever, but this was it.  One more semester.  I'm still wondering what happened to the other seven before this.

Ask me (or another senior) how I'm doing at some point during this semester (or last) and I'll probably give you some vague wild-eyed answer about how life is crazy or it's senior year or something like that.  If you want to know what that's like, it's a roller coaster.  One minute it's laughing until I cry with the roommates, the next it's comprehending the impending reality of fully supporting myself, paying bills, finding a job, and wondering if I could actually live off of minimum wage if I had to.  Back to my college life of joyful run ins with friends at coffee shops.  Next, "I'm literally going to never see 95% of these people after this semester... really?!"  If you're in high school it's college apps and the thought of not living in your house.  To be completely honest I finished that sentence about jobs and then opened another tab for my school's job website to see if they have any helpful postings.  See what I mean?

The last year of my life has seen more transitions, challenges, and joys than many other years before combined.  The best I can describe is that I've been left with a deep sense of "whaaaaat?" in many parts of life- faith relationships, identity, future plans, present plans, what I've done in the past.  I thought I knew who I was until I lived in China for a semester but then oh yeah I went to Colorado for the summer and then wait, hold up, I'm back in Michigan for this weird senior year thing, except ah crap, this community changed while I was gone and I changed too.  Yikes!  Where do I fit now?  365 days can hold a lot, people.

There's a song I love called "One Thing Remains" that I've quoted on this blog multiple times before, it was one of my jams a year ago, during the fall semester where my life got turned upside down.  Basically it says that the one thing that remains is God's love and the Truth of the Gospel.  This year, everything I thought I knew got turned upside down, except for this simple yet infinitely profound fact.  There were also a lot of times that I didn't feel like God loved me, or had a plan for me, or that I had screwed up and let Him down and therefore missed the said plan.  But I know that this is true.  I KNOW that the Gospel is true because God's Word says that it is, and I have seen it proven true multiple times in my life and in the lives of my friends.  I choose to cling to this truth and follow Jesus even when I don't FEEL like it.  This is perseverance and it leads to faith (James 1, Romans 5).  By no means am I saying that I have this figured out, or trying to glorify myself, (actually the contrary), its that I've had a big season of doubt but God is still who He says He is.

Tonight, I was sitting in my friend's living room praying and worshipping with more friends, feeling the confused angst that is everything I've just described.  I didn't want to be there because I didn't want to invest because goodbyes are hard and the future is uncertain.  We sang a few songs and I was writing frantically in my journal trying to understand what I was feeling, again clinging to that Truth in my mind but not in my heart.  But, God brought breakthrough (as He is quite prone to doing!)  Here's the gist- I am her.  I am the one He made His daughter, He made me the way He wants me to impact the world for His glory.  Why do I doubt?  This is where I realized I have a choice, and maybe you'll realize that you have a choice too.

Seniors, this is it.  This is all we get now.  It's easy to want to throw something at the wall because time is moving too fast and the big world is scary, or maybe you're not like me and you're ready for the next chapter.  But we have a choice.  We can stew in these emotions or we can choose joy.  I can look around the room and my heart hurts because this doesn't last forever.  Or, I can say I AM SO THANKFUL for this person and the role they've had in my life, and I'm going to be intentional when we no longer live in the same four block radius.  For most of the relationships, the intention will fade with time, and maybe, maybe, that's going to be okay because there will be new people in the next thing and the next thing after that.  Maybe enjoying the present is better than freaking out about the future.  Or, if you're in the other boat, don't write this off too quickly.  You are still in this time for a reason, and the next one won't be quite like it.  Because I know that God is who He says He is, because He's proved it before and He'll prove it again, the more I look for the evidence of this the more I'll find it.   This season has had rich parts and hard parts and so will the next season and the one after that.  You may be thinking, "well, DUH" but it seems that these truths are easier to forget then we'd like to think.

Here's to the last one- choosing joy and trusting God.  Le' go.