sky high

I'M GOING TO DO MISSIONS IN KENYA.  djaksdfukjndwiiemcpoijf.  I don't believe its real.  I think I'll believe it when my plane lands in Nairobi.  Maybe when I see the precious children God will have given me to love on however I can for a summer.  I remember thinking about giving a college summer to missions in elementary school.  This has been long coming.  Honestly, I will have this experience, I will most definitely know that it happened, but I will always be amazed by it.  Like Honduras- "I just can't quite believe all that happened."  Three years later.  The point is, God takes us on amazing journeys.  Its all for His glory.  All of this is.  I know there will be people thinking that I should work all summer to make money for school, or that I should stay closer to home to do ministry or ___.  But this is the plan God has shown me for my life.  That's all that matters.  The money I have to raise?  In His hands.  This is my journey, my story. I know that I have a wealth of support though.  Just my friend's reactions at this news have already given me so much joy and peace.  You all have shown true selfless joy with and for me that is more encouraging than you know.  Especially you who understand exactly how much this means to me... you know who you are.  I am blessed to call you guys brothers and sisters.  We rejoice together.  This news, this love, this excitement, this peace at knowing my future, has brought me sky high out of my sophomore slump.  God has given me joy.  I just have to remember to give him the credit for this continually.  One of my current favorite bands, Needtobreathe, speaks some beautiful lyrics that express what I want to be throughout this experience in their song "Garden."

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you,
let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune,
Father let my heart be after you."

Though this song can definitely be applied to musical talents (and that's what it was probably written for).  But with my lack of those talents aside besides playing "Fur Elise" on the piano and a fervent desire to learn acoustic guitar, I see this chorus as applying to the songs, words, and choices that I make in my life.  It is a slow beautiful reminder of where my focus needs to be.  This is my prayer.  In all of this God, in school, relationships, for my time in and preparation for Kenya, Father let my heart be after you. Thank you for joy that is sky high.  Amen and amen.

First

It first came up walking up the camp road with Adina, our staff counselor during my one on one in the beginning session of camp.  I needed a reminder why I was doing what I was doing and she mentioned Matthew 6:33, "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."  I held this verse close all summer, as in every moment I had one reason for doing what I was doing, whether it be running down the slip and slide or consoling crying campers in the middle of the night.  By putting God first, the rest of life fell into place- friendships came in time and I learned how to be a camp counselor.  First came into my life again at The Call Detroit, a 24 hour prayer movement for the city of Detroit.  That was probably the most spiritually focused environment I've been in for such a sustained amount of time.  I was settled in with my Bible and journal while worship and speakers were going on around me, and I was getting the feeling that God was going to give me something big.  I'm looking at the journal pages now, and my writing is all outside the lines.  And here it is again: first.  "Lord help me to trust you and your timing.  Lord help me to turn to You first, to make You my love, my desire, my first.  This was the word from the Lord that I received that night.  
There are so many other things that get in the way of this.  Even good, beautiful Lord ordained things that can get in the way of putting God first.  Probably the biggest one I struggle with is relationships.  I let my relationships be what gives me life and joy, and God that is certainly a reason that God gives us relationships and that He didn't design us to be alone, but He is supposed to come first.  I have found my identity and the strength of my relationships when my identity should be in Christ.  I struggle with wanting a guy NOW rather than waiting for the person God has planned for me to marry.  Trust me, Hope College is a romantic place, and this would be a really fun time in life to fall in love.  But, God's plans need to be first.  And that might mean that I don't have the Dimnent Chapel wedding I've been dreaming of.  And that might mean being on the mission field as a single woman.  And that terrifies me.  I want to adopt, and my children will need a dad.  I don't want to live alone  But having faith in God is having faith in His timing and His provision.  If God calls me, I must go.  By seeking first His kingdom, the rest will be given to me as well.  And I have fallen into the trap of seeking so that I may receive, and that is wrong.  That doesn't work.  God knows my intent in that, and it just doesn't work like that.  
Recently, through a valley time (see last post) He has spoken to me about my priorities.  And it came again, first.  And this time I decided that I would truly live into this command.  And in the last three days I have been blessed with the joy of the Lord.  In other times where I have chosen His path over the world's I have fought and been miserable because I didn't have what I wanted.  Imagine the pouting face of a child who's parent has just laid down the law, all her anger and rage channeled into a glare before she grudgingly does what she's told.  But I decided to embrace God's words, and I realized that the joy of His presence is greater than what I left behind.  I'm glad this funk has finally broken (at least for now).  And with this changed perspective, the things that were stressing me out seem so much more manageable.  By not finding all of myself in relationships, I am less hurt when there is tension or brokenness.  By realizing that God knows and has planned exactly where I am going to be living next year, I can stop obsessing (okay, maybe) and know that wherever I am, it will be okay.  I can love my community again.  And hardest of all, as I'm climbing out of this valley time, I can start to love myself again, as the words and actions of other people matter less to me, and I see who I am in Christ.    


Left my fear by side of the road
Hear You speak, won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's love, that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You


One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would the world be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong/#share
-Hillsong

Psalm 42

I've been resting in this psalm a lot lately.  Its one of those man, this really fits my life kind of moments with scripture.  It begins with the psalmist describing his deep thirst for God, wondering how it can be quenched.  I am so ready for more of God.  A deeper relationship, new knowledge of Him.  How I'm going to get there, I'm not really sure right now.  I've been working on scripture reading and prayer, and He does show Himself to me.  But I'm in a funk.  And I want to get out.  I don't really know what to call this "valley time."  Sophomore slump?  Its the middle of winter?  Who knows.  All of the above.  I'm getting over college a little bit.  The freshman year oh my goodness I'm doing laundry and eating in Phelps phase is long gone.  I'm sick of Phelps, laundry is nothing special.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Hope College, and I feel so blessed to be here.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wants me to get my education and live four beautiful years of life.  But I wish people would get real.  Its impossible to be happy all the time.  Its impossible to look good all of the time.  I wish I knew what it was like, to be like you, to be surrounded by friends, to know everyone everywhere you go.  I wish I knew what it was like, to be sought out.  I wish I knew what it was like to be you.  And you're going to say, I think you're great!  I love you so much!  Which I'm not doubting persay, and I do think you are wonderful as well, we're just different in some ways.  But your actions haven't proven it to me yet.  You love everyone so much, and life is so great, but when was the last time you stopped and listened to me, or one of the other nameless faceless people on this campus?  "You" isn't anyone specific here.  Its a group attitude that I'm getting tired of, and its not after a year and a half, its after 19 years.  I know God made me the soft-spoken person that I am for a reason.  I just can't always see what that is.  I'm tired of feeling lonely surrounded by people, and wondering what I have to really offer to the world.  I'm tired of being the quiet one, tired of being brushed aside because I'm not the one with loud witty comments.  And that might be who you are.  And that is who God made you to be, live it!  Seriously.  And God made me how He wants me to be and I know that's good enough, but its hard when I don't feel good about it.  He made me this way with a purpose, and I don't know what that purpose is yet.  Sorry for ranting.  Do not, not, not, think I am fishing for compliments.  I am being real, I am trying to explain something I don't fully understand myself.  If you take the time to read my blog, you probably have at least some level of caring for what I have to say.  So back to Psalm 42.  Verse 6 is great: "My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember You."  I know that the answer is looking to God.  That is what I'm trying to do.  But I'm an impatient broken person.  I want to know NOW.  Why do we do that so much?  God has been showing me that the answer to all of this is to trust Him.  Unswerving, deeply, above all else, put my focus FIRST on Him, and the rest will fall into place.  I find my peace in verses 7-8:

"Deep calls to deep

   in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

   have swept over me.

  By day the LORD directs his love,

   at night his song is with me—

   a prayer to the God of my life."

In all the challenging times, God's song is still with me.  I love worship music, and they run through my head as prayers all day.  I find great comfort in thinking of God as a song.  When I start to get super stressed I know exactly what music I need to put in to bring myself back to normal.  Whatever that is.  The psalm wraps up with more encouragement:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast?

   Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

   for I will yet praise him,

   my Savior and my God."

I'm slowly learning from this funk.  I know God is walking with me through this, and is waiting on the other side with more of Him then I have yet known.  My hope is in Him, and I will yet praise Him.  Thanks for reading.