Psalm 42

I've been resting in this psalm a lot lately.  Its one of those man, this really fits my life kind of moments with scripture.  It begins with the psalmist describing his deep thirst for God, wondering how it can be quenched.  I am so ready for more of God.  A deeper relationship, new knowledge of Him.  How I'm going to get there, I'm not really sure right now.  I've been working on scripture reading and prayer, and He does show Himself to me.  But I'm in a funk.  And I want to get out.  I don't really know what to call this "valley time."  Sophomore slump?  Its the middle of winter?  Who knows.  All of the above.  I'm getting over college a little bit.  The freshman year oh my goodness I'm doing laundry and eating in Phelps phase is long gone.  I'm sick of Phelps, laundry is nothing special.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Hope College, and I feel so blessed to be here.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wants me to get my education and live four beautiful years of life.  But I wish people would get real.  Its impossible to be happy all the time.  Its impossible to look good all of the time.  I wish I knew what it was like, to be like you, to be surrounded by friends, to know everyone everywhere you go.  I wish I knew what it was like, to be sought out.  I wish I knew what it was like to be you.  And you're going to say, I think you're great!  I love you so much!  Which I'm not doubting persay, and I do think you are wonderful as well, we're just different in some ways.  But your actions haven't proven it to me yet.  You love everyone so much, and life is so great, but when was the last time you stopped and listened to me, or one of the other nameless faceless people on this campus?  "You" isn't anyone specific here.  Its a group attitude that I'm getting tired of, and its not after a year and a half, its after 19 years.  I know God made me the soft-spoken person that I am for a reason.  I just can't always see what that is.  I'm tired of feeling lonely surrounded by people, and wondering what I have to really offer to the world.  I'm tired of being the quiet one, tired of being brushed aside because I'm not the one with loud witty comments.  And that might be who you are.  And that is who God made you to be, live it!  Seriously.  And God made me how He wants me to be and I know that's good enough, but its hard when I don't feel good about it.  He made me this way with a purpose, and I don't know what that purpose is yet.  Sorry for ranting.  Do not, not, not, think I am fishing for compliments.  I am being real, I am trying to explain something I don't fully understand myself.  If you take the time to read my blog, you probably have at least some level of caring for what I have to say.  So back to Psalm 42.  Verse 6 is great: "My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember You."  I know that the answer is looking to God.  That is what I'm trying to do.  But I'm an impatient broken person.  I want to know NOW.  Why do we do that so much?  God has been showing me that the answer to all of this is to trust Him.  Unswerving, deeply, above all else, put my focus FIRST on Him, and the rest will fall into place.  I find my peace in verses 7-8:

"Deep calls to deep

   in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

   have swept over me.

  By day the LORD directs his love,

   at night his song is with me—

   a prayer to the God of my life."

In all the challenging times, God's song is still with me.  I love worship music, and they run through my head as prayers all day.  I find great comfort in thinking of God as a song.  When I start to get super stressed I know exactly what music I need to put in to bring myself back to normal.  Whatever that is.  The psalm wraps up with more encouragement:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast?

   Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

   for I will yet praise him,

   my Savior and my God."

I'm slowly learning from this funk.  I know God is walking with me through this, and is waiting on the other side with more of Him then I have yet known.  My hope is in Him, and I will yet praise Him.  Thanks for reading.