First

It first came up walking up the camp road with Adina, our staff counselor during my one on one in the beginning session of camp.  I needed a reminder why I was doing what I was doing and she mentioned Matthew 6:33, "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."  I held this verse close all summer, as in every moment I had one reason for doing what I was doing, whether it be running down the slip and slide or consoling crying campers in the middle of the night.  By putting God first, the rest of life fell into place- friendships came in time and I learned how to be a camp counselor.  First came into my life again at The Call Detroit, a 24 hour prayer movement for the city of Detroit.  That was probably the most spiritually focused environment I've been in for such a sustained amount of time.  I was settled in with my Bible and journal while worship and speakers were going on around me, and I was getting the feeling that God was going to give me something big.  I'm looking at the journal pages now, and my writing is all outside the lines.  And here it is again: first.  "Lord help me to trust you and your timing.  Lord help me to turn to You first, to make You my love, my desire, my first.  This was the word from the Lord that I received that night.  
There are so many other things that get in the way of this.  Even good, beautiful Lord ordained things that can get in the way of putting God first.  Probably the biggest one I struggle with is relationships.  I let my relationships be what gives me life and joy, and God that is certainly a reason that God gives us relationships and that He didn't design us to be alone, but He is supposed to come first.  I have found my identity and the strength of my relationships when my identity should be in Christ.  I struggle with wanting a guy NOW rather than waiting for the person God has planned for me to marry.  Trust me, Hope College is a romantic place, and this would be a really fun time in life to fall in love.  But, God's plans need to be first.  And that might mean that I don't have the Dimnent Chapel wedding I've been dreaming of.  And that might mean being on the mission field as a single woman.  And that terrifies me.  I want to adopt, and my children will need a dad.  I don't want to live alone  But having faith in God is having faith in His timing and His provision.  If God calls me, I must go.  By seeking first His kingdom, the rest will be given to me as well.  And I have fallen into the trap of seeking so that I may receive, and that is wrong.  That doesn't work.  God knows my intent in that, and it just doesn't work like that.  
Recently, through a valley time (see last post) He has spoken to me about my priorities.  And it came again, first.  And this time I decided that I would truly live into this command.  And in the last three days I have been blessed with the joy of the Lord.  In other times where I have chosen His path over the world's I have fought and been miserable because I didn't have what I wanted.  Imagine the pouting face of a child who's parent has just laid down the law, all her anger and rage channeled into a glare before she grudgingly does what she's told.  But I decided to embrace God's words, and I realized that the joy of His presence is greater than what I left behind.  I'm glad this funk has finally broken (at least for now).  And with this changed perspective, the things that were stressing me out seem so much more manageable.  By not finding all of myself in relationships, I am less hurt when there is tension or brokenness.  By realizing that God knows and has planned exactly where I am going to be living next year, I can stop obsessing (okay, maybe) and know that wherever I am, it will be okay.  I can love my community again.  And hardest of all, as I'm climbing out of this valley time, I can start to love myself again, as the words and actions of other people matter less to me, and I see who I am in Christ.    


Left my fear by side of the road
Hear You speak, won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's love, that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You


One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would the world be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong/#share
-Hillsong