Lies.
They are persistent. They feel like the truth. They are straight from the heart of darkness. They cut down to slowly, slowly destroy. Their destruction is not outright, it is the day that I realize, I am completely in bondage to something that is completely untrue.
Our struggles lie not in flesh in blood, but in the rulers, authorities, and powers of the dark world and the evil spiritual forces in heavenly places. (Eph. 6:12)
The thing is, there is victory and freedom from the lies to be found in Jesus Christ. In His sacrifice for the sin of the world He adopted us as sons and daughters of Him, and He sent those powers of darkness to the grave. The law that the punishment for sin was death was shattered in the moment that God became human and offered Himself for people who did the opposite of anything to deserve it. Even though there are still struggles here on earth, and this is only going to get worse before Jesus comes back, we know how the story ends. Jesus comes back and sends evil where it belongs, when the wrongs are made right and the tears are washed away, He makes all things new.
Alas, we are still here on earth. We are still struggling. The lies are still being whispered in our minds or spoken by people in our lives with such cunning. I hate Satan. Seriously I do. I hate the one who causes the pain in this world and causes people to live less than their full identity as children of God, eternally loved, forgiven, chosen, full of grace, and full of God's fierce authority. I hate the times that I let him rule in my life.
The times when the lies twist and twist and become the truth, when I walk in a broken version of who I'm supposed to be. Yet, it happens again and again and it's going to until the day I see Jesus face to face.
I've had some struggles with jealousy and comparison this semester. Things like, she's not friends with me- guess I'm not good enough to make the cut. Look, she has it together and looks great all the time to boot. What's up with you? Well obviously these two people are closer with each other than with you. You're just not good enough, because if you were they would include you more often. Did you see how much fun they had? Gosh. You're just not good enough to have a group of friends like that. Everyone forgets about you and no one really likes you. Good luck being spiritual enough or pretty enough or funny enough or not-awkward enough to find a husband one day. I HATE IT I HATE I HATE IT.
Even there, I was simply writing out of my heart, not trying to organize thoughts at all. Three times in that last short paragraph I said the words "you're not good enough." There friends, is the lie that is twisted into the core of my heart, since my childhood. I don't know how it got there, and I really wish it wasn't there, yet so far in my 21.5 years, every time I gain victory it comes back in a new disguise. Such is life.
Let's talk about everything's that's messed up with what I just said up there. Most of these things involve my relationships with others, with the mindset that my destiny is controlled by other people. The world says that I control my future, God says that He controls it better than I ever could. As a Christian I am guaranteed persecution in this world, yet I am not defined or harmed by persecution. Here's another main important truthful thing- I HAVE FRIENDS. Not just friends, but really awesome, kindhearted, loving friends who I don't even deserve. They love me, support me, and are for me in whatever I choose to do with my life. I don't know how far I can go in speaking for them, but they enjoy spending time with me. Another problem- I am not near grateful enough for what I DO have. I disregard my friends to lust after the thrill of a new relationship, yet it is impossible to be friends with every single person I come in contact with. Being at college and constantly surrounded by an ever shifting group of people doesn't really help this, but still! Yikes!
Here's the main thing- NONE of these things are what really defines me. My name is Daughter of the most high King. My striving means nothing. The very essence of the Truth is that I am completely UNABLE to gain any sort of salvation on my own BUT that Jesus did it all for me. Because of that, I walk in FREEDOM from the power of darkness, and IN HIM I have the POWER to rebuke those powers of darkness back to the grave, where their ultimate destiny lies.
Friends, know how much I do love you. Join me in rebuking these lies in the name of JESUS, who is more perfect and wonderful than we can dare imagine. Let's walk boldly in our identities as sons and daughters, love each other well, and change the world for His glory. Amen!
Monday, December 9, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
I Don't Want This Night to End... Fast Forward
My freshman year of college didn't start off in the most ideal way. Drama from across the country impacted me for the first few months of school. I got involved with some activities, I got along with my roommate and cluster, I was making friends and loving Hope, and I was more than ready to go home.
Over those first few months, my RA couldn't stop talking about this thing called Nykerk, a crazy Hope tradition where freshmen and sophomore women compete against each other in the categories of song, play, and oration. The other girls in my cluster were excited about it too. I decided to give it a go. You don't even have to be able to sing to be in song!
It was one of the best decisions I've made in my college career. I love tradition, I love being goofy, I love team spirit, and I love to perform (weird considering I don't have any performance talents, but it's true!) I loved getting to be a part of something, walking to practices across campus en masse in the fall while the sun was setting with my cluster girls. I love silly cheers and I love to sing. This crazy tradition got under my skin. A guy whose identity I wasn't supposed to know brought me candy. Can I get an amen?
I lost some sleep and maybe some points on homework assignments, I gained new friends and became part of a 75+ year tradition at Hope. I made a poster for my Odd Year big sister and practiced motions in my friends' rooms with lots of giggling. I learned to sit pretty and smile big. The day of Nykerk was approaching- we had candlelight with all of Nykerk, made the running/screaming pilgrimage to the Civic Center for practices, and met our morale boys face to face. The motions were crispy, the props were happening.
Nykerk night was surreal. I'm so thankful that my parents got to witness one Nykerk, because I think that's the best way to really understand it. We sang beautifully of course. I think the motions were pretty crispy if I don't say so myself, and as the old TobyMac song goes, "when love is in the house the house is packed."
We won Nykerk that night. I remember holding hands with the girls on either side of me, and trying not to breathe, and hearing our year, and the terrifying way that the bleachers rocked and we jumped and screamed and could barely believe it. It was incredible. It was then that the moment happened. I realized that I was a part of something so much greater than myself. Though Nykerk season is short, I was part of a family for three beautiful and exhausting weeks. I had worked hard and seen that hard work pay off.
Traditionally, there's a Nykerk after party, with lots of dancing and lots of joy. I remember walking back to Dykstra afterwards with some of my friends, and having the thought, "I don't want this night to end." This was huge. I had spent the first two months of school wishing that I could be home instead. I hadn't been that happy in so long. I knew that I was in the right place, that one day Hope would really actually feel like home, and that I was a part of the community that mattered.
People wonder why I'm still so obsessed with Nykerk- because it helped make my Hope experience what it has been. It's a completely unique thing that involves many different people uniting for a common girl and having so much fun in the process. Most of all, I know that there are other girls up there who are finding just as much joy and community in Nykerk as I did, and that's all that I could hope for.
Tonight was probably the last Nykerk that I'll get to watch in person, and it might have been my favorite. Both sides were excellent all around. I have many friends and people that I know who were involved and I know how much love and energy they put into making their performances excellent. I love it when the Hope community comes together like this.
All I wanted freshman year was to go home, yet I found joy. Tonight, the only thing I want is not to leave these people and this place. I can't believe how time flies. I'm nothing near the same wide-eyed girl I was three years ago, and that's both exciting and terrifying, because how much more change can I take, yet how much more will I grow in the future? Nykerk was what set me on a track to step out more in the Hope community, and reminded me that I belong here. Most of all I'm thankful- to have had these joys and to have come to be able to call this crazy place called Hope my home.
We love you Nykerk oh yes we do!
Over those first few months, my RA couldn't stop talking about this thing called Nykerk, a crazy Hope tradition where freshmen and sophomore women compete against each other in the categories of song, play, and oration. The other girls in my cluster were excited about it too. I decided to give it a go. You don't even have to be able to sing to be in song!
It was one of the best decisions I've made in my college career. I love tradition, I love being goofy, I love team spirit, and I love to perform (weird considering I don't have any performance talents, but it's true!) I loved getting to be a part of something, walking to practices across campus en masse in the fall while the sun was setting with my cluster girls. I love silly cheers and I love to sing. This crazy tradition got under my skin. A guy whose identity I wasn't supposed to know brought me candy. Can I get an amen?
I lost some sleep and maybe some points on homework assignments, I gained new friends and became part of a 75+ year tradition at Hope. I made a poster for my Odd Year big sister and practiced motions in my friends' rooms with lots of giggling. I learned to sit pretty and smile big. The day of Nykerk was approaching- we had candlelight with all of Nykerk, made the running/screaming pilgrimage to the Civic Center for practices, and met our morale boys face to face. The motions were crispy, the props were happening.
Nykerk night was surreal. I'm so thankful that my parents got to witness one Nykerk, because I think that's the best way to really understand it. We sang beautifully of course. I think the motions were pretty crispy if I don't say so myself, and as the old TobyMac song goes, "when love is in the house the house is packed."
We won Nykerk that night. I remember holding hands with the girls on either side of me, and trying not to breathe, and hearing our year, and the terrifying way that the bleachers rocked and we jumped and screamed and could barely believe it. It was incredible. It was then that the moment happened. I realized that I was a part of something so much greater than myself. Though Nykerk season is short, I was part of a family for three beautiful and exhausting weeks. I had worked hard and seen that hard work pay off.
Traditionally, there's a Nykerk after party, with lots of dancing and lots of joy. I remember walking back to Dykstra afterwards with some of my friends, and having the thought, "I don't want this night to end." This was huge. I had spent the first two months of school wishing that I could be home instead. I hadn't been that happy in so long. I knew that I was in the right place, that one day Hope would really actually feel like home, and that I was a part of the community that mattered.
People wonder why I'm still so obsessed with Nykerk- because it helped make my Hope experience what it has been. It's a completely unique thing that involves many different people uniting for a common girl and having so much fun in the process. Most of all, I know that there are other girls up there who are finding just as much joy and community in Nykerk as I did, and that's all that I could hope for.
Tonight was probably the last Nykerk that I'll get to watch in person, and it might have been my favorite. Both sides were excellent all around. I have many friends and people that I know who were involved and I know how much love and energy they put into making their performances excellent. I love it when the Hope community comes together like this.
All I wanted freshman year was to go home, yet I found joy. Tonight, the only thing I want is not to leave these people and this place. I can't believe how time flies. I'm nothing near the same wide-eyed girl I was three years ago, and that's both exciting and terrifying, because how much more change can I take, yet how much more will I grow in the future? Nykerk was what set me on a track to step out more in the Hope community, and reminded me that I belong here. Most of all I'm thankful- to have had these joys and to have come to be able to call this crazy place called Hope my home.
We love you Nykerk oh yes we do!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
The Ocean
You're going to lose your friends. You have no community. You don't deserve continuity. You're never going to feel settled. This was all just a lie. You never belonged here anyways. The water is salty and cold and gross. Since this community apparently isn't real and you're going to leave it soon anyways, it's not even worth it, and you're never going to be happy again. You don't even deserve to be happy. It's not that no one likes you- its that no one wants you around, and your space here went away. You're so screwed up. Get it together. No one's going to want you. You missed this so much and now it's different. Wave after wave after wave. You have no control. This anxiety will rule your life. What are you going to do with your life? You won't enjoy it. Crashing and tossing and turning. Lies, that sounds so much like the truth.
You are never going to be good enough.
Her perspective of the ocean is all wrong now. The waves are big and steel gray and scary, and by some small grace she's not choking on the water more than she can bear, but she's choking and bobbing and trying to find her feet in the sand. This used to be her place, her home. She was happy in this ocean. Home feels all wrong now. But even through the confusion, she is determined to cling to truth- I will keep my eyes above the waves. She knows that she can no more control the ocean than fly to the moon. She holds fast to what she knows to be true, and tries not to let the waves win the day.
Friends row in this ocean too. Those who are willing to stop and listen, to comfort, to speak truth and life, to extend a paddle to a floundering friend. There are moments of joy. Moments where she can breathe. Sometimes she has to pretend to be swimming, swimming with a smile, yet wondering when the cruel waves will come back to taunt her. For these moments she can float freely, she can stop fighting. She wonders where the lifeguard is. It's supposed to be His job to watch and care for her and prevent her from drowning right? It's so strange- she sort of realizes that she could just choose to stop believing that He's watching, but she know's He's right there. She could refuse to think that something good will follow the storm, that the night will bring dawn. It's not that she's happy in the storm, it's that she knows the real deal- the friends have told her that she has to wait it out. The lesson will come. She knows Her lifeguard. He had never failed her before, and she knows He won't start now.
She doesn't feel outside of His will, or that she is being outright disobedient. She's entitled to no sunshine and bliss, yet she so graciously has received it more than most do, more than she could ever deserve. It's just so hard not to want the last times in this part of the ocean to be smooth, and sunny, with lots of friends nearby. But she's not the one guiding the show. She asked the One in charge to lead her deeper, to where she had to trust the lifeguard not to let her drown. She wanted this. But she didn't want this. She's in the current now, the current towards the next place, the one that He is calling her to. But she's too confused to see where that is, much less keep her head above the waves.
She struggles. She fights. She waits.
If the lifeguard doesn't know exactly what He's doing, if the One running the show doesn't have every scene mapped out, who is she really? A Father wouldn't leave His daughter like that. Either He has this and she just has to trust Him, or He's not all powerful, not just, not true.
She waits and hopes. The friends remind her of what is good and true. The waves of crash, but they don't always overwhelm. She learns more about them all the time. She learns about herself. She learns the most about the One who she is trusting.
It happens when she's not even expecting it. She's tired of trying to swim. She's tired of even thinking about it. The friends are gathered around, and they let the Joy steal their souls for that hour. They stop thinking. In this laying down, she finds herself slowly again. Thinking it's just another hour holding onto another boat, she waits for the waves to start rolling again. Except that they don't. Slowly, she realizes the truth.
The lifeguard has come at last. "Baby girl, it's time to come in the boat now." You can breathe. You can stop fighting. I'm right here.
Exactly where He's been all along. Teaching her to trust Him, as He prepares her for greater storms, for unfamiliar waters, the part of the ocean that's not this one, calling her deeper and deeper. The water is calm, blue, full of life again. She's learning, one day to walk on top of the waves. She can't even swim without His strength. It's all by His grace. She knows that she can call on Him, that He can keep her eyes just above the waves, even as she chokes, even as she thinks she just might drown, she is forgotten, not alone, not inadequate, not victim to the lies and anxiety. Because He has already won.
"My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"
"Oceans," Hillsong United
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
The Mundane
I knew this would happen. In the past 3 (not even) weeks that I have been back on Hope's campus, I have been more able to process my experiences in China and Colorado than in the intervening months. I am back in the community that filled me up and sent me out. I am surrounded by people who are willing to listen to me talk without making sense, and who can bring God's wisdom so clearly to conversations. I am with friends who are back from being abroad themselves, who can understand this in a way that no one else can. I think I've compressed about six months of life thoughts into three weeks. But here are just a few.
I had been (until about a week and a half ago) thinking about my China experience in light of the big experiences. Climbing the Great Wall, going to Tibet, having a spiritual train wreck, and all the ways that I felt I had failed or messed up in my experience. In the space of about 24 hours, God totally changed up my thinking. It started with a brochure in the study abroad office (where I now work) with a student testimonial, saying that what that person missed from their experience wasn't the big things, it was the smallest, most ordinary things of each day. This made me think of the things that no one really wants to hear about in a quick summary of big moments and what I learned- walking home and seeing the sunset, enjoying hot baozi off the street, being the obnoxious white people laughing on the subway, watching a parent interact with their child on the bus. Sitting down to dinner with my host family. The way my breakfast was always ready on the table for me in the morning. The sheer adrenaline of stepping off of an overnight train in a brand new city. Much later that night I found myself at the infamous Hope dive, Good Time Doughnuts with a dear sweet friend. I don't remember what I said, besides that I was ranting about coming back to Hope and how yes, I am different and Hope is the same. I don't remember what she said besides to listen and ask questions. But I reached a point of revelation (from God) that I have been searching for for months. Why am I so upset in the ways that I failed? There were so many moments that were absolutely beautiful! Maybe the whisper I heard on the Great Wall- "I brought you here so that you could trust, love, and know Me" was more profound than I had thought. Maybe there was more to be found in the trips for bubble tea and the sensory experience of walking down a busy Chinese street at night than I realized.
Skip ahead a few days, to the study abroad returners reception. I end up in conversation long after the event ended with two friends. God's grace becomes a topic of conversation. I am not going to do this wise nugget justice with a shaky paraphrase but here we go- "Even if I'm doing everything right, I can still fall into sin... it's only by God's strength that I can do anything... MY DARKNESS DOES NOT SIGNIFY HIS LACK OF GOODNESS." I almost started crying right there in the middle of Martha. Six months of nagging "if only" thoughts were put into new perspective. Being in a dry season does not mean that God is more or less present and active in my life. Just look at the psalms of lament- the hungriest we are for God is in the dry times. Hearing a friend minister from pain was beautiful and heartbreaking as well. Not to mention the sweet relief that I'm not the only one who went through what I did.
Today I had a talk (in the stairway of an academic building of all places) with another good friend. After listening to some China stories she brought up something that she learned over the summer- the importance of being able to seek and rejoice in God in the mundane circumstances. Many of the moments that I saw God working both in China and in my summer were not the big crazy fire everywhere experiences. They were the sweet little moments. Simply a beautiful view, a friendly exchange, a good meal. The things like that that are simple reflections of His goodness. These things are reality. At a place like Hope, its very easy to think that life is simply a string of spiritual highs. It's easy to think that this incredible community is the way that Christian life always is.
Guess what.
This is nothing like the real world. The Hope community has many great qualities that we can help bring to communities that we are part of in the future. But it won't be like this. The automatic sanctuary of Schoon chapel won't be available anymore, there won't be worship nights full of friends waiting to pray over us. These things are so beautiful. Yet, they are preparing us for something else. This is a stepping stone, not the final stop. Rejoicing in the mundane helps us to seek God wherever we are. Right now I am a Hope College student. I am going to make as much out of this year as I possibly can. It is not community or friends or wonderful music that we worship but the very person of Christ Himself. Everything else is secondary. In China, everything about myself, other people, the world, and my roll in it was shaken up in a big or small way. One truth remained.
Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again.
I'm loving being back at Hope. Reunions with friends that I have been anticipating since I said goodbye to them. My places- the chapel, Schoon, LJ's, JP's, the Pine Grove, my new apartment with new friends that I love. The fundamental Truth hasn't changed though. I'm thankful for one more season of being incredibly blessed by these people and this place, and my prayer is that I can give back to the people of Hope even a small piece of what they have given me. Seeking His face, rejoicing in the mundane, finding Him the most in solitude.
ALSO, huge shout out to everyone who has listened to me, asked about my experience, or just been happy to see my in general in the past few weeks. You certainly have made me feel right back at home in spite of the awkwardness of being back from abroad and being a senior thing. I LOVE ALL OF YOU LOTS.
I had been (until about a week and a half ago) thinking about my China experience in light of the big experiences. Climbing the Great Wall, going to Tibet, having a spiritual train wreck, and all the ways that I felt I had failed or messed up in my experience. In the space of about 24 hours, God totally changed up my thinking. It started with a brochure in the study abroad office (where I now work) with a student testimonial, saying that what that person missed from their experience wasn't the big things, it was the smallest, most ordinary things of each day. This made me think of the things that no one really wants to hear about in a quick summary of big moments and what I learned- walking home and seeing the sunset, enjoying hot baozi off the street, being the obnoxious white people laughing on the subway, watching a parent interact with their child on the bus. Sitting down to dinner with my host family. The way my breakfast was always ready on the table for me in the morning. The sheer adrenaline of stepping off of an overnight train in a brand new city. Much later that night I found myself at the infamous Hope dive, Good Time Doughnuts with a dear sweet friend. I don't remember what I said, besides that I was ranting about coming back to Hope and how yes, I am different and Hope is the same. I don't remember what she said besides to listen and ask questions. But I reached a point of revelation (from God) that I have been searching for for months. Why am I so upset in the ways that I failed? There were so many moments that were absolutely beautiful! Maybe the whisper I heard on the Great Wall- "I brought you here so that you could trust, love, and know Me" was more profound than I had thought. Maybe there was more to be found in the trips for bubble tea and the sensory experience of walking down a busy Chinese street at night than I realized.
Skip ahead a few days, to the study abroad returners reception. I end up in conversation long after the event ended with two friends. God's grace becomes a topic of conversation. I am not going to do this wise nugget justice with a shaky paraphrase but here we go- "Even if I'm doing everything right, I can still fall into sin... it's only by God's strength that I can do anything... MY DARKNESS DOES NOT SIGNIFY HIS LACK OF GOODNESS." I almost started crying right there in the middle of Martha. Six months of nagging "if only" thoughts were put into new perspective. Being in a dry season does not mean that God is more or less present and active in my life. Just look at the psalms of lament- the hungriest we are for God is in the dry times. Hearing a friend minister from pain was beautiful and heartbreaking as well. Not to mention the sweet relief that I'm not the only one who went through what I did.
Today I had a talk (in the stairway of an academic building of all places) with another good friend. After listening to some China stories she brought up something that she learned over the summer- the importance of being able to seek and rejoice in God in the mundane circumstances. Many of the moments that I saw God working both in China and in my summer were not the big crazy fire everywhere experiences. They were the sweet little moments. Simply a beautiful view, a friendly exchange, a good meal. The things like that that are simple reflections of His goodness. These things are reality. At a place like Hope, its very easy to think that life is simply a string of spiritual highs. It's easy to think that this incredible community is the way that Christian life always is.
Guess what.
This is nothing like the real world. The Hope community has many great qualities that we can help bring to communities that we are part of in the future. But it won't be like this. The automatic sanctuary of Schoon chapel won't be available anymore, there won't be worship nights full of friends waiting to pray over us. These things are so beautiful. Yet, they are preparing us for something else. This is a stepping stone, not the final stop. Rejoicing in the mundane helps us to seek God wherever we are. Right now I am a Hope College student. I am going to make as much out of this year as I possibly can. It is not community or friends or wonderful music that we worship but the very person of Christ Himself. Everything else is secondary. In China, everything about myself, other people, the world, and my roll in it was shaken up in a big or small way. One truth remained.
Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again.
I'm loving being back at Hope. Reunions with friends that I have been anticipating since I said goodbye to them. My places- the chapel, Schoon, LJ's, JP's, the Pine Grove, my new apartment with new friends that I love. The fundamental Truth hasn't changed though. I'm thankful for one more season of being incredibly blessed by these people and this place, and my prayer is that I can give back to the people of Hope even a small piece of what they have given me. Seeking His face, rejoicing in the mundane, finding Him the most in solitude.
ALSO, huge shout out to everyone who has listened to me, asked about my experience, or just been happy to see my in general in the past few weeks. You certainly have made me feel right back at home in spite of the awkwardness of being back from abroad and being a senior thing. I LOVE ALL OF YOU LOTS.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Red Rocks and Radical Grace: My Summer
I haven't really been into the whole blogging thing this summer, aside from one post at the very beginning and a few China wrap ups. A lot of what I did this summer was to be involved very closely with other people and their stories, which aren't really my business to blog about anyways. However, it was a summer more fun, challenging, beautiful, and full of lessons than I ever expected.
I'm not trying to talk about humility in a "look at me I'm so humble" contradictory sort of way, it's what I learned. Here comes the red rocks part of the title. Grand Junction, Colorado is in the desert, surrounded by many beautiful red rock cliffs. The floor mats of my car are still covered in red rock dust from many pairs of hiking shoes. It was everywhere I looked all the time this summer. My boss Brad, has a passion for rock climbing. And I mean a passion. Naturally, the interns learn to climb and belay, and we took the kids on a few climbing outings. Red rock, up close and personal. And if you're me, its an up close and personal struggle. In my exit interview and other closing "what did you learn" settings I cited rock climbing as a challenge that I wasn't meant to fulfill- an example of when I had to accept my weaknesses. People usually just chuckled with me and agreed that yes, its okay for me not to be able to rock climb. What I didn't share with the entire church staff, was that my lack of rock climbing abilities was more than that failure- it opened the floodgates to many other things I have believed about myself for a very long time. About my body, it's capabilities, the way that it looks, and what that means for my future. I am well aware that my beauty and worth are found in Christ. I know that. But things feel a lot different when I'm hanging off the side of a cliff, trying not to panic, and trying and not succeeding to make the next hold. Not to mention its very public failure. I don't think anyone I was with judged me too deeply, and if they did they wisely kept it to themselves. But I like to be good at things. And rock climbing, physical coordination in general is not one of them. I realized this when it was articulated in a video that we interns watched, talking about strengths. Rather than focus on and try and fix my weaknesses, I can build on my strengths.
More than confronting my weaknesses, it was this vulnerability in combination with the love that was showed to me by those around me that radically impacted my summer. It was my kiddos- who surprised me so much from the very beginning. The high schooler's willingness to be engaged and to serve in New York, the joy that overtakes a middle school girl. Literal, physical takeover of joy, with screaming and flapping and rapid movement. The degree to which I got to be myself at Great Escape, rejoicing over the smallest things, and tackling big questions about faith and the next minute laughing about puppies or something like that. The fact that these girls loved me and allowed me to love them. I still can't even explain why this had such a powerful impact on me. The moment when some of them gave their lives to Jesus, there, on that night. Realizing the immensity of life transformed, being a part of it, the deep joy that only comes from that. Other nights, making milkshake runs to Sonic, having conversations instead of playing ultimate frisbee, going camping in the rain, climbing mountains, and laughter, like a running soundtrack.
What did I expect? I don't really remember anymore. I expected to be surrounded and rocked (pun intended) by God's creation on a regular basis and this definitely happened. I more fully realized my love for hiking and mountains, and witnessed countless spectacular views with incredible people. I expected to pour into youth group kids. I didn't expect them to give me more than I could have given them. I expected the drama quintessential of teenagers. They surprised me in their maturity and grace, as they do with most things. I'm not sure if I really expected to be "on my game" spiritually or not because of how challenging the last season was. Many of my most memorable "God learning" moments came from being spectacularly far from my game. Here comes a buzzword: humility.
I'm not trying to talk about humility in a "look at me I'm so humble" contradictory sort of way, it's what I learned. Here comes the red rocks part of the title. Grand Junction, Colorado is in the desert, surrounded by many beautiful red rock cliffs. The floor mats of my car are still covered in red rock dust from many pairs of hiking shoes. It was everywhere I looked all the time this summer. My boss Brad, has a passion for rock climbing. And I mean a passion. Naturally, the interns learn to climb and belay, and we took the kids on a few climbing outings. Red rock, up close and personal. And if you're me, its an up close and personal struggle. In my exit interview and other closing "what did you learn" settings I cited rock climbing as a challenge that I wasn't meant to fulfill- an example of when I had to accept my weaknesses. People usually just chuckled with me and agreed that yes, its okay for me not to be able to rock climb. What I didn't share with the entire church staff, was that my lack of rock climbing abilities was more than that failure- it opened the floodgates to many other things I have believed about myself for a very long time. About my body, it's capabilities, the way that it looks, and what that means for my future. I am well aware that my beauty and worth are found in Christ. I know that. But things feel a lot different when I'm hanging off the side of a cliff, trying not to panic, and trying and not succeeding to make the next hold. Not to mention its very public failure. I don't think anyone I was with judged me too deeply, and if they did they wisely kept it to themselves. But I like to be good at things. And rock climbing, physical coordination in general is not one of them. I realized this when it was articulated in a video that we interns watched, talking about strengths. Rather than focus on and try and fix my weaknesses, I can build on my strengths. 
More than confronting my weaknesses, it was this vulnerability in combination with the love that was showed to me by those around me that radically impacted my summer. It was my kiddos- who surprised me so much from the very beginning. The high schooler's willingness to be engaged and to serve in New York, the joy that overtakes a middle school girl. Literal, physical takeover of joy, with screaming and flapping and rapid movement. The degree to which I got to be myself at Great Escape, rejoicing over the smallest things, and tackling big questions about faith and the next minute laughing about puppies or something like that. The fact that these girls loved me and allowed me to love them. I still can't even explain why this had such a powerful impact on me. The moment when some of them gave their lives to Jesus, there, on that night. Realizing the immensity of life transformed, being a part of it, the deep joy that only comes from that. Other nights, making milkshake runs to Sonic, having conversations instead of playing ultimate frisbee, going camping in the rain, climbing mountains, and laughter, like a running soundtrack.
My coworkers, who I could not have done this without. Brad's thoughtfulness and servant leadership, coupled with pedicures. His distaste for hiking and my distaste for climbing combining on Uncompahgre. A question that Erik frequently asked was "How can I serve you right now?" We did a successful (if I don't say so myself) week of VBS coming in exhausted and even more exhausted. Miss Jordan. My other half. We did absolutely everything together this summer and barely got sick of each other (or she hid it very well). Work stuff and fun stuff. All the time. Probably because of how different we are, we worked super well together, bringing totally different gifts and mindsets and complimenting each other in ways that only God could ordain. She taught me about friendship, peace, patience, loving our girlies, and peach ice cream. She blessed me with her wisdom in more ways than one. I was the crazy one in the group, which will be surprising to some people but not others. Tapering my energy was another one of those tough lessons- what was me showing love may not have been how someone received it, and it's selfish of me to insist upon loving in my own way. They put up with my stories, when I didn't ask them for their own nearly enough, and showed me in such a real way, radical Gospel grace.
I'm in withdrawal mode right now. I miss my friends. I miss hiking. I miss getting to hang out with really cool people as my job. I miss those nights at Sonic. I climbed mountains this summer. Metaphorical and literal- two fourteeners and one Grand Junction icon in the mud. Only could have done it through God's strength. And in my weakness, His strength prevails. It was a summer for the books, with many stories to be shared. Red rocks and radical grace. His love never fails.
I lean not on my own understanding
My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven
I give it all to You God
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
There's nothing I hold onto
-United Pursuit Band
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Set a Fire...
Hey guys. It's been awhile. China happened. http://seekingadventurewitheyesopen.blogspot.com/ if you want to read all about those. Here's been whats on my mind recently since arriving in Colorado for my summer youth ministry internship! Actually its more of a story. I have no idea. Whatever. And some China reflection, which will still be coming for awhile I think.
China was one of the single most amazing experiences of my life. I was so free to just be whoever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, and do whatever I felt like doing. I saw some amazing things, challenged myself with a language that is both beautiful and terrible in the best ways possible, and met some people whom I love deeply. This entire experience challenged a lot of my worldview, God-view, life-view, whatever you want to call it. Things were certainly not the way they are in the Hope bubble. I struggled with how to process not being in a constant Christian community. My faith became an "on my own" sort of thing. I was blessed to take several travel weekends which meant I didn't always make it to church. It was hard. It was so, so, hard. Not that my physical presence in (or out) of a church changes anything about who God is or who I am in Him, but it was so much easier to become discouraged. Everything I knew was so far away.
On the other hand, I realized that the world is not like Hope. Some of the things that I spent a lot of time and effort building up were no longer really relevant to the people I was with. Having a lovely polished story about how God was working in my life. Worship nights were no longer an option. Having a smile in place and making everything seem okay wasn't so important anymore. It was confusing. I doubted. I was faced with a huge feeling that I had failed in some way. My "cup" so to speak was full after an amazing first semester. I knew I was being filled to be emptied, and I was right. When I got back to the States, I was fairly happy to be home and ready to relax before the next adventure. God has given me a lot of grace in the reverse culture shock process. I had to make the turn around in a week and a half and so I did.
Now I'm here. My host family is awesome. They want to know and love me. I have nine and ten year old siblings who just love life so much. My co-workers are awesome too. We spend most of our time together and so have taken the approach of "we're going to be great friends and know each other way too well by the end of this, so lets start now." The church as a whole is incredibly loving, encouraging, and welcoming. The youth group kids have shattered my expectations. They have a deep understanding of loving each other in community that I think many groups of Christians could learn from. They are fun and engaging, and I can't wait to get to know them better.
I turned 21 yesterday. I celebrated by hanging out with my intern pals all day working and then going out to the desert to watch the sunset after a youth leadership team cookout. Goodwill and Macklemore. Cupcakes that shouldn't have been left in the car. A $4 bagel and cream cheese for lunch with enough cream cheese for about three people. We dipped cheez-its in the extra. Taylor Swift turned up in the car. Coffee and the Word. The sandstorm with (60?) mph winds that had us crouching behind our cars. Life chats with the ladies. I realized something, when we were out at the desert, and the sandstorm blows through in all its fury yet its mixed with raindrops, a shower of blessings, as the dust clears and orange and purple and pink glow boldly on the horizon. I'm starting to get my passion back. The passion that I left first semester and Urbana with. When my heart is full of desire for God and MORE of who He is. The passion for Jesus that burns deep inside. The passion that I had to work through in a different way in China, but now its back, and with it comes JOY. That realization was the best birthday gift that I got yesterday.
"Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain that I can't control, I want more of You God, more of You God... we want more, we want more, we want more, so pour it out... no place I'd rather be than here in Your love." -United Pursuit Band, "Set a Fire"
China was one of the single most amazing experiences of my life. I was so free to just be whoever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, and do whatever I felt like doing. I saw some amazing things, challenged myself with a language that is both beautiful and terrible in the best ways possible, and met some people whom I love deeply. This entire experience challenged a lot of my worldview, God-view, life-view, whatever you want to call it. Things were certainly not the way they are in the Hope bubble. I struggled with how to process not being in a constant Christian community. My faith became an "on my own" sort of thing. I was blessed to take several travel weekends which meant I didn't always make it to church. It was hard. It was so, so, hard. Not that my physical presence in (or out) of a church changes anything about who God is or who I am in Him, but it was so much easier to become discouraged. Everything I knew was so far away.
On the other hand, I realized that the world is not like Hope. Some of the things that I spent a lot of time and effort building up were no longer really relevant to the people I was with. Having a lovely polished story about how God was working in my life. Worship nights were no longer an option. Having a smile in place and making everything seem okay wasn't so important anymore. It was confusing. I doubted. I was faced with a huge feeling that I had failed in some way. My "cup" so to speak was full after an amazing first semester. I knew I was being filled to be emptied, and I was right. When I got back to the States, I was fairly happy to be home and ready to relax before the next adventure. God has given me a lot of grace in the reverse culture shock process. I had to make the turn around in a week and a half and so I did.
Now I'm here. My host family is awesome. They want to know and love me. I have nine and ten year old siblings who just love life so much. My co-workers are awesome too. We spend most of our time together and so have taken the approach of "we're going to be great friends and know each other way too well by the end of this, so lets start now." The church as a whole is incredibly loving, encouraging, and welcoming. The youth group kids have shattered my expectations. They have a deep understanding of loving each other in community that I think many groups of Christians could learn from. They are fun and engaging, and I can't wait to get to know them better.
I turned 21 yesterday. I celebrated by hanging out with my intern pals all day working and then going out to the desert to watch the sunset after a youth leadership team cookout. Goodwill and Macklemore. Cupcakes that shouldn't have been left in the car. A $4 bagel and cream cheese for lunch with enough cream cheese for about three people. We dipped cheez-its in the extra. Taylor Swift turned up in the car. Coffee and the Word. The sandstorm with (60?) mph winds that had us crouching behind our cars. Life chats with the ladies. I realized something, when we were out at the desert, and the sandstorm blows through in all its fury yet its mixed with raindrops, a shower of blessings, as the dust clears and orange and purple and pink glow boldly on the horizon. I'm starting to get my passion back. The passion that I left first semester and Urbana with. When my heart is full of desire for God and MORE of who He is. The passion for Jesus that burns deep inside. The passion that I had to work through in a different way in China, but now its back, and with it comes JOY. That realization was the best birthday gift that I got yesterday.
"Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain that I can't control, I want more of You God, more of You God... we want more, we want more, we want more, so pour it out... no place I'd rather be than here in Your love." -United Pursuit Band, "Set a Fire"
Monday, January 7, 2013
Urbana 12
So what did you learn at Urbana? Its a question many people have asked me this week. (If you didn't know, Urbana is a student missions conference held every three years. 17,000 students attended this year in St. Louis). It was an amazing experience that I won't soon forget. Here are some things that happened/I learned/God did:
-God was very graceful in getting our entire Hope College crew there, from paperwork crises, to bringing together 13 people, to funding, to food, He had the thing covered!
-There were 17,000 college aged kids there, all worshiping Jesus together. That was probably what awed me most- the sheer size of everything. Imagine Revelation Song being sung simultaneously in 4 languages (English, Spanish, French, Chinese). I can hardly wait to see what heaven will be like, if that was only a tiny glimpse! To see so many of my peers who share my values was inspiring- a way of appreciating the scope of God's global mission. Just how big it is. Not really even sure I can totally explain this one. We also sang songs in Hindi, Korean, Swahili and possibly a different African language. One day every tribe tongue and nation will be together worshiping Him! What a delight to catch this vision on earth as well.
-We had dozens of breakout seminars to choose from each day. I went to one on managing finances, one about ministering to honor and shame cultures (fascinating!) and one about gendercide in China and healing. I enjoyed talking to random people that I met and learning about things that specifically interest me.
-There were hundreds of different mission organizations represented. It was totally overwhelming, but I made some connections and got information from tons of organizations that will hopefully help me in the future. Theres a mission organization for just about every kind of ministry in every kind of place!
-Some of the main highlights for me were in the keynote speakers we had each evening and morning. David Platt challenged us to give up everything for Christ, that being a Christian isn't a halfway thing. Chai Ling talked about gendercide in China and her own experiences with forced abortion, rape, and the healing love of Christ. What was a spark 10 years ago when I heard about the Chinese treatment of women was fanned to furnace flame. All I could say after that night was, "thats everything I want to do!" They both spoke on the same night and left us rocked, shaken, and on fire!
-Another speaker was a missionary from a very closed country who had endured great personal sacrifice and loss to bring God's love to the people of that country. She again challenged us to give everything, and in giving her life story spoke with an unswerving calm about the goodness and worthiness of God. I don't think there was a dry eye in the house. She said, "light isn't needed where there's already light. The Gospel has to go to the darkest of places." In the wake of her testimony, we were forced to consider the question: what wouldn't you do for God? How much comfort can you really hold onto. He deserves everything. As she was talking and the Spirit was moving, I saw one thing in my mind. A red lightbulb shining in the darkness, and I knew where my darkest place would be: women and girls who have been victims of sex trafficking and abuse. I saw eyes with no hope, that had not known love. Passion stirred deep inside to seek justice for these broken girls, to see them receive the healing love of God, to leave their life of bondage.
-God was hardcore present all week, and blessings were raining down. 96 Urbana attendees decided to become Christ followers for the first time, and many more made re-commitments. I got to use some of the gifts God has given me to impact my life and the lives of those around me, which is one of the coolest and most humbling things! To Him be the glory! I know that my role for Hope in this next season is as an intercessor, and God totally confirmed that as well.
-One question I tried to ask everyone I came in contact with was "what is God doing on your campus?" The answers were more or less the same... everyone spoke to the increasing presence of God and of big things that are happening! God is truly moving right now, and it is so exciting!
Urbana was a truly beautiful experience that I am so thankful I got to be a part of. I have a greater vision of God's heart for the world, and where I fit into and use my gifts in that. I got share the time with some awesome people who I am blessed to call friends and classmates and see how God is going to use them for crazy awesome things for His kingdom. I'm now headed into a yet unknown season in China- but I do know that the God who I felt move so powerfully at Urbana is the same God whose authority I will walk in in China. Because its all about Him anyways.
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