Loved

Well, I leave for Kenya in 4 days.  My time at home has flown by, and it has been great to relax, see people, and do things I don't normally have time to, like reading books for fun and craft.  One of the best moments of the break, was church yesterday.  I spoke briefly at both services about the trip and how people can pray for me and such.  I was completely blown away by my congregation's response.  I've been to church probably 10 times in the past two years, with being at school and camp.  I was completely blown away by a beautiful quilt from the quilting ministry, and it was awesome to be prayed over during the services.  People I don't even know were assuring me prayer, and wishing me well.  Just the sight of the faces of some of my dearest friends smiling at me the entire time I was up front filled my heart with joy.  Its not so often I get to see those faces in real life.  To hear people who have known me my whole life say, "We're so proud of you, God is going to do great things."  It doesn't matter that I've been gone- they love and support me just the same.  To be with people who understand and support missions, and who know and love me, is indeed a blessing.  I don't need human affirmation for what I'm doing this summer, its what God's calling me to do, but it sure was nice to feel so much love right before I'm about to leave.  To be home.  To be where I am myself, right before a beautiful new adventure, bless the Lord oh my soul.

Finding Home in the crazy places

9 days.  That's all I have.  Then I'll move out of Dykstra Hall for the last time.  Its crazy, but even after two years, I'm going to miss it.  Even after being an RA and one of the only sophomores in the infamous all freshmen girls dorm, I'm sad to leave.  This place holds a piece for my heart.  It holds my own freshman year, snug and cozy in my little cluster home, life chats with the roommate watching feet of snow fall outside, the insane moving to college emotional rollercoaster, so much growing up.  It holds a new adventure, in loving 22 awesome freshman ladies and watching them grow from wide eyed newbies to awesome friends, in a beautiful sisterhood in my staff, in the crazy moments that comes with being an RA, in the moments where all I can do is laugh.  I've never (will never) live in a dorm with normal hallways or with guys down the hall.  My heart is here, for these girls, for the craziness this unique set up brings, the life season that freshman year is.  We had our last staff meeting tonight, with a wonderful encouragement activity, gag gifts appropriate to our year, and a wooden shoe with my name on it.  We laughed until we cried, we cried until we laughed.  I'm going to miss those girls to pieces.  We shared a very unique with job, and those girls have been the ones who have supported me unconditionally through this year, because they're the ones who really get what this job is.  I had my last night of duty, hanging out in our high quality pea soup colored duty box, watching Friends in the lobby, doing rounds.  I walked through the dorms when I visited junior year, and I automatically knew that this was where I wanted to live, passing up the chance to live in the "intentionally diverse" community which would have tied in well with my global interests.  I have met so many amazing women here, and had the privilege to live in a unique, crazy, loving, community.  God brought me here, and I am so thankful for both the great freshman living situation I had and the blessing it has been to love and serve my residents and my staff.  A big, white cinder block, stereotypically dorm has become home.  I've learned to make home in the crazy places, my home is in Christ, and I know that I will be able to find home wherever I go.

Adequate.

The attack is silent, swift, deadly, hidden.  Satan comes not in fire, brimstone, loud noise, or open persecution.  He comes cunningly, sneakily, to her fragile heart, her anxious thoughts.  The tape, on mind numbing, soul crushing repeat:

You have no value.
No one cares about you.
You have nothing to offer.
You're worthless.
No one likes you.
See what she said about that person?  Clearly you will never be as good as them.
Everyone else is so much better than you, what's wrong with you?
You can't control anything.
No one wants to be around you.
Everyone but you has friends.
You are invisible.
You can't do this.
You will fail.
God is disappointed with you.  Who do you think you are to think you can do such great things through Him?  You're clearly not as close with Him as everyone else, you are are
so
inadequate.
You don't belong.

She shrivels, and tries to fight, the constant battle of Satan's lies.  But she spirals downward, as she stops believing in her capability to argue back, as she is cut to the core, with the very words that hurt the most.

She sees hope, shining through the fog, the Father who loves her wholeheartedly, deeply, unconditionally.  The kind words of true friends, the mind tape that should be playing.  And she is angry.  Angry at Satan for trying to destabilize her, to ruin her ministry, for feeding her lies.  She fights, trying to reach home.  She rebukes the lies, crying out for her God.

He reaches out to her every time.  He holds her close.  Christ is victor, Christ is Lord.  See her, love her, reach out to her.  Pray away the demons, see her with His eyes.  She is so adequate.  We are all so much more than adequate.

"For I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful, I know that full well" -Ps. 139:14

Jer. 29:11-15

Rainstorm!!!!

There are times in life that are just random and wonderful and amazing and random.  I went to the Gathering tonight (like usual) and every moment was a blessing.  Laughing with friends about bad gifts before, amazing worship.  One of the senior members of the band shared a song he wrote.  It was absolutely beautiful.  To know those lyrics as the song of this man's heart- to see his face as he took in everyone worshiping the Lord in a moment he (through God) helped to create. To sing praise to God.  The message tonight was great as well- it was about blessing and giving thanks to God for the good things we have received, for our greatest temptation is to forget to do so.  What a timely and relevant message as everyone accelerates towards finals.  I feel like I've been able to be present this weekend, and I have felt so blessed for that.  (Side note: I just got done reading several friend's blogs, so I don't feel like I'm writing in quite my own voice so I'm sorry).  We sang the song "10,000 Reasons" which is a new favorite, "Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name..." Very appropriate to the message.  Love that song.  I stayed around for after worship tonight, which I really need to do more often.  (About 15 minutes after the service ends the band will play some more songs).  Most people peace out before this so the feeling is really intimate and amazing, because of course, our band is AWESOME.  I was blessed to worship with some of beautiful my sisters in Christ- I LOVE to worship with friends.  It is one of the most beautiful things- to be most ourselves and to be together to worship the God we all love.  Wow.  Just, wow.  God is SO good.

Back in my dorm, I had a great chat with two friends in the stairwell of all places, random I know.  I love when God just puts meaningful conversations together  It starts to RAIN.  Like thunder and lightening hardcore knock your socks off RAIN.  I LOVE thunderstorms, just sitting at my window and watching the lightening and being amazed by God's power.  Some girls were out dancing in the street, so I said, what the heck lets do it!  I found some people and out we went.  Half of Hope College had the same idea- I love spontaneous fun moments in big groups of people!  I ended up hanging out with one of my friends for almost an hour- just talking about life (even though she wimped out of playing in the rain).  Blessed, blessed, blessed.  Filled with the joy of the Lord.

Here's the encouragement- on Friday night, I went to an extended night of worship and prayer, which was great.  I was in one of those times where I didn't realize I was in a low patch with God until I started to get out of it.  That's why this weekend has been awesome- the joy of the Lord!

We are called

We are called.

To love.

To learn.

Not to judge.

To listen.

To serve.

To reconcile.

To redemption.

We are called.

Will you listen?

Redemption

I just got back from a week long immersion trip to Newark, New Jersey with an awesome team of Hope students.  It went above, beyond, and deeper than any expectations that I had.  It was a LOT to process, and I'm still working through a lot of it.  Even in 24 hours back, there are things that were a lot easier to believe when I was blissfully hundreds of miles away from my real life.  This is where the challenge starts, the rubber hits the road, however you want to say it.  Will this really matter to my real life?  I say yes, but it won't be easy.  Lord give me the strength.

I think the hardest and most beautiful parts of the experience are often one in the same.  The most heart-breaking things for me were hearing other's stories, but almost all of these stories have another theme: redemption.
-The woman who will never see her children again.  This is a hard one to see a light in right now.  The woman is receiving love and care from the church community.  There are no words.  But there is hope.  There is always hope.
-Those who have lost things they valued at the sin of another.  In brokenness I see beauty and strength.  In pain I see resilience and recovery.  I see hope, forgiveness, redemption.
-A GIRL who has had MULTIPLE miscarriages before completing the eighth grade.  Though this situation is still very dark, the fact that she managed to graduate eighth grade is a huge achievement.  Lord intervene.  Redeem the evil that has been done to her.
-One of the church caretakers has a past including gang life, prison time, murder, and extensive drug use among other things.  But his smile lights up his face.  He proclaims Christ as Lord.  He has been redeemed.
-What used to be the second most dangerous housing project in the country is now abandoned in Newark.  We learned about the design flaws and system failures that caused the place to become so dangerous, and to be called irredeemable.  But now no one has to live there, and mixed income housing is going up only a block away.  Whether this concept will have the desired effects is yet to be seen, but there is hope.
-This last one is probably my favorite story to tell.  There was a woman, Kimberly, who came to the feeding ministry in the mornings two of the days that we were there.  She is in a wheelchair and because of a variety of medical conditions she is in extreme pain.  The healthcare system has failed her.  By the world's standard, she has every reason to hate her life.  However, she talked and smiled with us.  As I was coming out of the bathroom at one point, my teammate Anna was trying to wheel her in to wash her hands, but the chair wouldn't maneuver through the door.  We didn't really think about what we did, it just made sense at the time.  To God be the glory.  We got bowls of water for her hands to soak.  Anna washed, massage, lotioned her hands and clipped her nails.  It was the simplest act of a servant's heart love.  Another teammate prayed for her.  We gave her the closest thing we could to a manicure there in the church lobby with what we had lying around.  Not something any of us woke up expecting to do that day.  I give God ALL the glory.  Hebrews 13:1-2 says "Keep on loving each other as brothers.  Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing so some of you have entertained angels without knowing it."  I firmly believed that I was blessed to entertain an angel that day.  I am giving myself no credit, it was I who was blessed by her quiet spirit and joy amidst suffering.  One day, her pain will be redeemed.  I could write for days, but I'll close with some words from a favorite psalm, especially well loved when set to music here at home sweet Hope:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." -Psalm 126:5-6.

We hold to this hope, this promise of sweet redemption in Christ.

a new peace and maybe even some redemption

I found a new peace today.  A new way to calm myself.  Those who know me will be surprised, if you go way back you might even be floored.  I ran today, and I enjoyed it.  It was me, Lecrae (Christian rapper), and the track.  I just went until I couldn't anymore, then I walked for awhile and did a couple more laps.  It felt amazing. Workouts are never regretted, that's for sure!  I'm newly committed to this, and it makes me really happy.  In the darkness of my junior high years, I would say that PE was in the worst of those memories.  I once had a teacher laugh in my face because I couldn't hit the volleyball right, and lets be real, I don't run fast or have great hand eye coordination.  This led to being last picked for teams/partners, one of the last left running the mile, the one that the opposing team got excited to see when I got up to the plate for kickball.  I hated PE.  I am perfectly competent in the water, but we didn't have a pool, so I never got to show off those talents in class.  In a time of life when I was already desperately lonely and insecure, it was an area of life where I was incapable and unwanted.  Running was a big part of PE, feeling like a cow going to slaughter as we walked up to the track, as I got lapped, and it killed any desire I had to run for fitness.  So all through high school I was resolutely a "swimmer and NOT a runner."  I love being in the water.  However, freshman fall semester I was in a class called Health Dy(namics) with an amazing prof.  We got to run around Holland in the fall weather.  Picture, cute little cottage houses framed by giant trees with leaves in every shade of fire, crunching through the leaves in golden sunlight.  I could have my ipod with me to run, and I had a friend who I paced well with so I wasn't alone.  Besides, in college everyone is more mature than junior high.  No one really cared how fast I ran, or probably more accurately, I didn't think that they did.  (Spotlight effect... gotta love being a psych major).  After that semester I ran a few times sporadically, and when I heard that there was going to be a Color Run (google it!) in Seattle right after I get home from this semester I knew I had a goal.  I'm going to run that race.  I'm going to do that.  By no means do I consider myself a "runner" but God is redeeming my hatred of running, a hatred of working out, to be for His glory.  I get in a zone with Him as I'm pounding around and around the track.  It's all for His glory.  "...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." -Hebrews 12:1