I Miss

I miss her sweet head in the crook of my shoulder.

I miss her eyes, heavier and heavier and finally closed.

I miss the milky baby smell, the little braids that scratch my chin.

I miss the perfect finders and toes, the arms that reach out for mine.

I miss tiny bundles of blankets containing life redeemed.

I miss holding my sweet kids and singing God's grace over them, praying for healing of their tiny shattered hearts.

Rebuild (Redemption)

I think there's always uncertainty at the beginning of a new school year.  What will this year hold?  Will I survive my classes with decent grades to boot?  What new unexpected things will happen this semester?  Who will I end up spending my time with?  How will I be different by the end?  My answers are different this year as I'll only be on campus for fall semester.  The arc of my time at Hope for this year lasts for four months instead of nine.  Life will go on without me, and I will not have Hope with me.  Anyways, the first weeks are always crazy.  Last night, I was at a worship night in someone's living room, with about 20 other people.  It was spontaneous and beautiful and awesome to just have some God time.  An analogy that came to mind is of a brick wall.  There are circumstances in our lives that knock out or blast apart pieces of the "walls" of our lives- disappointments, hurts, hard times, failures, sin.  But redemption happened on the cross.  In His dying, Jesus covered our sins and offers this broken world redemption in Him.  In Him, our broken walls can be rebuilt.  When I experience His healing and reconciliation in my own life I often imagine that the holes in the wall are being rebuilt.  The wall is stronger and more beautiful than before.  "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham was one of the songs that we sang last night, famous for its melodious "ooohs."  (Just listen to the song).  Everyone really went for it on these parts... I think we had at least five different keys going on, but I think that almost made it better... it was just glorious praise!  In the time I got to spend with Him last night, God let me know that He is rebuilding and redeeming me, just as He is for you too.  This can only be found in Him.

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful 


Savior 
Redeemer
Restorer 
Rebuilder 
Lord, You are beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGlTzH9xkXQ

New Beginnings

I'm officially back to Hope.  Groovin in the Grove is an annual Hope tradition, 2 hours of chapel band in the Pine Grove on the night before classes start.  2,000 classmates worshiping together.  Definitely on the top 5 best nights of the year.  The last three months have been ridiculous, even the last year.  I'm not going to say it's been an easy year, and I'm not going to whine either.  I've missed worship.  In Christ, this place is home.  In worshiping Him, we are at our best.  I sang the familiar melodies (and some new ones) surrounded by great friends, had some awesome reunions and got to praise my God.  In a summer and a year that has had some very high moments and a lot of low times of doubt and questioning, I'm reminded of the God who has me on this journey.  That His love never gives up, never runs out on me.  Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity, sweet Jesus Christ my clarity.  Bless the Lord oh my soul, worship His holy name, sing like never before oh my soul, I'll worship Your holy name.  This is my prayer for this one semester I have on campus this year, and then I'm off to China?  What?  There are great things in store for Hope's campus this year.  Oh yes, its good to be back.

(pirated from Sam)

The Past Few Weeks

So I've been home from Kenya for about 2 weeks now.  It feels like a lifetime since I was there.  I loved Kenya.  But I must say, I am so glad to be home.  I've had some really, really awesome time with the people I don't really get to see that often.  I love the moments (there have been many!) when I have to blink and go, wow, that person really is in the same room as me.  We really are sitting right here.  I am so blessed.
This past so weekend, one of my dearest friends got married.  Allie and I are neighbors, I have known her since I was eight years old.  I learned what makes faith real at her house, through the Pioneer Girls Club her mom ran, but really from the example she and the other girls set about LIVING the Christian faith in all parts of life.  In the same house, I had an awesome Bible study in high school.  Countless trips to school, walks around the circle, coffee dates, and other random adventures later, she's married to the man God planned for her.  One of the best parts of being neighbors is I can be at her house in around 30 seconds, which meant helping with lots of fun wedding details :)  It takes a community to throw a wedding!
So many people have come back into town that I haven't seen in years.  As some friends and I talked at the end of last night, we tried to define the strange sadness we were feeling, even in spite of such joy and happiness for our dear friend.  I don't want to grow up!  I mean, I wouldn't mind getting married if the time rolls around soon, but its strange that one of the lovely ladies who has been a part of my life since childhood is now in a new season, one that's very different from the times we had together.  Of course, I know I'll see Als again at Christmas, she's not leaving forever, she just has Chris with her now too :)  As I think back to the evening that was just about perfect, even though it rained, dancing and laughing with old friends, seeing a woman of the Lord receive everything she deserves in a husband, its one of those where the moments seem frozen in time.  Not every day of life is as happy as a wedding day, but we can strive to find joy in our everyday lives.  For one day, the seasons we are in now will be past by too.
To the sister who has always been a role model to me, thanks for the beautiful example of marrying the one who loves God and you for who He has made you to be.  Thanks for being there.  Thanks for being you.  And I hope my wedding is even half as awesome as yours :)  To God be the glory.

"As the years go by, like stones under the rushing water, we only know, we only know when its gone." -Needtobreathe

Abigail

Well, here it is already.  I leave for the airport in 2.5 hours.  Two months feels like a long time yet no time at all.  I'm excited to be home and have skim milk and real cheese and my hair straightener and my family and things like that, but I'm going to miss my Kenyan adventures as well.  I'm going to miss the feeling that everyday is an adventure.  I'm going to miss how friendly everyone is.  I'm beyond grateful for the hospitality that has been shown to me by my missionary hosts and Kenyan's patience with me not always understanding their accents.  I'll share another story from Tenwek, because it pretty well defines the characteristics of my favorite moments here.  My missionary hostess, Amy, does a lot of orphan care ministries in and around Tenwek, and we heard of a baby who's mama had passed away after her birth.  Usually, a newborn in the nursery would be fed by his or her mother, but this sadly wasn't an option, so it was suggested that I go up and feed her to help the nurses.  When Amy and I went up to check out the situation, they decided to just send the baby home with Amy to care for while the hospital tried to track down the father.  As we were preparing formula, changing, etc, Amy mentioned that the baby girl needed a name, (and that it had to be from the Bible).  Well, Esther is my favorite female figure in the Bible but it just didn't seem to fit this little girl.  I started to pray, asking God for the name He wanted her to have.  I was thinking Sarah or Abigail, and Amy said she had been thinking exactly the same thing!  While Amy went to search for a blanket, I held the tiny girl to feed her.  "Sarah?  Abigail?" I said to her.  Abigail seemed to be the choice.  As the title of my blog suggests, I have been asking God for His heart here in Kenya.  As I held this tiny newborn, I was filled with such love and joy that I cannot even explain.  My smile was as huge as my face allows, I almost thought I would cry.  It might have been my favorite moment of this trip.  I felt so much love for this little girl, starting life without her mother, her future so uncertain, I felt certain of one thing: God loves her wildly, passionately, He has a beautiful plan for her life.  Jesus says, "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" (John 14:18).  I don't think I can do the experience any more justice with words, other than that I saw a peak of God's heart for His people, and He loves us SO MUCH.  What a privilege that was, thank You Lord.  Little Abigail went home with her dad, and I never did get a picture of her.  I don't even know if that is her name anymore, but giving her a name for those first days of life was so cool.  I have many great friends with that same name, who I felt almost as if I was naming her after.  In light of what I saw of God's heart, I am inspired to live my life knowing that that is the love that He has for EVERY SINGLE human being, including me, including you.  My prayer, as I leave, is that I may live my life as such.

Unchained Melody

In the past two weeks I have been back to the Baby Centre for one day, at Tenwek Hospital, and on safari in the Mara!  And I leave this Thursday night.  I can barely believe it.  I have been so blessed to have seen and experience so much in all my time here.  Here's a random assortment of things that happened and what I thought about them... an unchained melody.

-On our day back at the Baby Centre, there was an adoption!  I'm thankful to have experienced that joyful moment for my last day there, and that another precious girl now has a forever family.  I loved what her new daddy said (roughly paraphrased).  "I'm a man of few words, but I am a man of action... it's not her and us, she is one of us now."  I admire this family for doing as God has called and welcoming a precious daughter into their family.  I remember first wanting to adopt children (in the future obviously) when I was about 9 or 10.  After meeting orphans and seeing different orphan care ministries on this trip, I think it's a given for my future.  The church needs to majorly step it up in this area, but I think that's going to be a separate post.

-Tenwek Hospital (in Bomet) is a really, really awesome place.  There is a very rich history of awesome missionaries serving God and others unconditionally.  Franklin Graham and Samaritan's Purse are huge supporters as is WGM.  I really love the community that the missionaries have there, the kids call the other adults "Aunt" and "Uncle" and run freely among the homes of the other families.  There was also great camaraderie among the volunteers.  A group of us went on a hike up to the highest peak around, with an awesome 360 view.  I love to be in God's creation, and we enjoyed some great conversation and views on the way up and down.  At the top of the hill, there was a group of school kids who were fascinated to see us.  A comment by one of the kids made me so sad.  He said, "Americans call us black monkeys don't they?"  I explained that we do NOT.  It's interesting what people's perceptions can be of other cultures.

-Kayla and I went out one day with Tenwek Community Health, to an immunization clinic for babies.  The most interesting part was when the kids from the nearby school started walking home and noticed me inside the building.  So they started stopping in the road to stare through the windows at the fascinating mzungu (white person).  So I decided I might as well go out and say hello.  I've been stared at a lot here in Kenya, and kids are always very excited to greet us, but this was to a whole new level.  Kayla and I demonstrated a high five and then all the kids wanted to high five me!  It was strange (and kinda flattering).  It's moments like this that remind me that I'm an outsider here.  I've been thinking a lot about this and the implications it has for cross-cultural ministry anywhere.  However, in Christ, we are all the same.

-We also got to go on our safari in the Mara.  It is truly beautiful, unlike anywhere else I've ever been.  Upon arrival, Kayla and I were greeted in the traditional Maasai fashion, by men dressed in the traditional red color, chanting and singing.  At the end, they all started jumping, and man, can they jump high!  Our cabin was open on one side, and we could see the river from inside.  There is also a large hippo population in the area so we would hear them all the time.  Did you know hippos kill more people than any other animal in Africa?  Anyways, it was so great to just hang out in the cabin and be totally focused on relaxing and have time to really think over everything that has happened in the past 7 weeks... which is a lot!  We went on safari drives in the late afternoon and early morning, and managed to see every animal except for the leopard, though not for lack of trying.  We saw a cheetah every time we went out, though not one running full out, some lions getting ready to hunt, and A BABY ELEPHANT.  That was probably my favorite.  There were some awesome sunrises and sunsets, and so many beautiful landscapes.

Pictures will tell the best safari stories, I'll try and post some soon!  I can't believe I leave this Thursday night, and I'll be home Friday afternoon.  Bless the Lord oh my soul!

1,000 Words

Pray for Kayla and as we head to the Baby Centre for a few hours then on to Tenwek Hospital for about a week and a half.  We will go on safari in that time as well, which I am super excited for!  Here are some pictures from life in Kenya up to now...

 Feeding a giraffe!

Our gorgeous (and bumpy!) drive to the Maasai village