The Three Letter Word That Changes Everything: Pre-Depature Thoughts

First, watch this.  Because it's good and it's the clearest picture of the "so how are you feeling?" question that I've been receiving so much recently!  All credit to my friends at Ekballo Project.

ALSO, I haven't officially announced it on here, but you probably know my now, I am fully funded for my time in Thailand and I will be leaving this Saturday, January 3rd!  ALL GLORY TO GOD!!  Thank you for being a part of this story. Subscribe by email by filling out the bar on the left side of your screen (go to full version if you are on your phone) because my next post will most be likely coming at you live from BANGKOK!!



The vision of my life that has been playing in my head over the last weeks I think has been mainly inspired by this video, as well as some imagery God has given me over the past year and before.

Stick with me here.  I'm being metaphorical.  We'll see how this goes.

The journey towards the edge starts slowly at first.  The sun is setting, a giant ball of orange and pink and gold and wonder.  I am far back on the cliff, wondering if I can trust that great ball of fire who sometimes, amazingly, it is so hard to see.  I am not left alone on this cliff however, sweet friends say, "come on- look how beautiful the sun is.  It's okay.  It's still there.  Move towards it.  You can do it.  Take my hand."  Slowly, they begin to coax me back towards the edge, the edge where recently so much disappointment and pain had been.  I am barely moving, crawling maybe, but I start to move forward.  I have to make a decision though.  It is time to stand up and walk.  I start to walk, growing stronger as those golden rays touch my face.  

Each step forward comes, faster and faster it seems.  The energy pulling me forward fuels each step.  The view changes as I grow closer- I see more of what lies ahead.

I'll stop and explain here.  I knew for awhile that God was calling me to work with human trafficking victims, and shortly after that He was calling to me Thailand.  Before this, He had called me to study abroad in China (spring 2013).  Without writing a separate blog post, it was an amazing experience yet one full of challenges, disappointments, and a gigantic test of faith that totally destroyed and revamped my view of God and myself, hence the difficulty to begin trusting again.  I knew that I had to begin the process of saying yes to God and going to Thailand, yet as I felt that God had let me down (though He NEVER does!) this simple yes was at times agonizing.

I am running now, towards the infinite ocean to the blazing ball of fire that causes my heart to beat, in the greatest journey I could ever go on, chasing the heart of God.  Friends have been running with me the entire time, but as I move faster and faster their faces start to blur and they push me forward, my hands are pulled from theirs as I near the edge.  The edge is terrifying and exhilarating in the deepest way that I know.  I see it closer and I can't stop now, the height is terrifying yet love and grace compel me onward.  All at once, the edge is upon me and I leap into the great unknown, the ocean, the wings of the dawn.

All because of one three letter word.  YES.

I'm more or less reusing the imagery of the video, but let me explain.

Saying YES to God is the single most powerful thing we can do.  Saying yes to love, to bravery, to boldness, to humility, to adventure, to giving up everything that we've known or wanted because HE IS WORTH IT ALL.

Yes can be said in joy with both hands raised.  But maybe, the most powerful yes comes from being curled up on the floor with nothing left to do but trust God through tears and questions and a broken heart.  I know that's how this journey started for me, and since then has contained every possible emotion in between.

Yes is saying no to satan, to sin, to guilt and to shame.  It is saying yes to God's infinite, perfect, costly, free, incomprehensible grace.  Believe me, do I have a lot to learn about that.  As I think of myself on a full, unstoppable sprint towards the edge with only three days left stateside before I move to Thailand, it is my desire for more of the Lord that draws me onward.  It is my desire for Him that has given me my heart for justice for the oppressed, freedom for the captives, and healing for the hearts of people.

I want to say that this desire for God is not exclusive to going to the mission field or any kind of job or location.  It is for anyone and everyone.  I'm not special.  It's just that this is the call on my life, and I have chosen to say yes to my Father in Heaven who is more perfect and loving and challenging and infinite than I can understand.  If He is who He says He is, He is worth all of me and all of my life.

To Him be the glory.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me." -Hillsong United, "Oceans"

"You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore and in the waves... no fear can hinder now that Love had made a way" -Bethel Live, "You Make Me Brave"

"If I rise on wings of dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

"I'll let go of all I have just to have all of You, and whatever the cost I will follow you, Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You, and when I finally reach the end I'll say- You were worth it all." -Meredith Andrews, "Worth It All"

"We say no to fear, we say yes to love, we will follow You where You're leading us." -spontaneous worship from somewhere

Newport Beach, August 2014

Delight in the Mundane, Home, and Heaven

Honestly, I didn't expect this season of being home to be like it has been.

I remember the moment when I finally asked God what He wanted me to do the summer after graduation, and beyond (until Thailand).  I was walking by Pillar Church between 9th and 10th on College Ave. in Holland, Michigan.  The sun was bright and reflecting off piles and piles of glitter snow, my boots crunched along the sidewalk and it was quite cold.  My plan for months before this moment had been to find a job in Holland for the summer, live in a house with a bunch of girls, ride my bike everywhere, go to the beach and the farmers market constantly, and some awesome people get married, before heading home at the beginning of fall to live at home and gear up for Thailand.  Most importantly I would be able to stay with many of the people from my Hope community.

God doesn't always play by our rules though.  I finally openly, honestly, asked the question on that walk home from the library, and I heard, "baby girl, I want you to go home."  I was not happy about this.  Wasn't I already doing enough by going to Thailand?  Couldn't I just stay in my safe community place for a bit longer and have a Holland summer which I've always wanted to have?  Couldn't home actually mean Holland in this case?  It's funny, my longing in my upperclass years to stay at Hope could only be matched by my longing during my underclass years to be home in the Northwest.

Alas, this calling was confirmed and reaffirmed over the next few weeks.  I decided to stay for three extra weeks to make at least one of the weddings I had wanted to go to and God miraculously provided me with a job and a place to stay for that short time.  In this time He gave me another word about my time at home- "I have called you to the mundane, but I will delight you."  And, without the pressures of school and my impending and very final departure from Michigan approaching I got to have some really good times with people as well.  I also realized, that Holland would never, ever, be Hope again.

Usually, I fly between places.  This time, I set out on a two week solo cross country road trip.  The initiative to step on the gas and not turn the car around was all mine.  An iced Buzzed from LJ's to fuel my journey, one last roll through campus, turning onto the highway, and I was gone.  I was the only one to witness it's significance.  It was a slow, drawn out, goodbye.  Yet God in His mercy filled it with hellos as well.  I saw a friend from Kenya, four Hope friends (some of whom I hadn't seen in over a year), my Colorado church family, and friends from high school and camp.  I made it all the way from Holland to Silverdale while being able to stay with someone I knew every night.  THAT'S CRAZY.  Unreal.  Amazing scenery, food, people, and introvert time for me to begin processing what the heck had just happened in my life.

Now I live my quiet life at home, fundraising, working and going to church and Bible study.  That's pretty much it.  I usually get a somewhat adult amount of sleep every night.  I am a cashier at Staples.  It is neither glamorous nor terrible.  I expected a lonely season.  At first the contrast of not having literally too many people to potentially be with at any given time was a shock.  I felt so lost without the fall back of my community.  But the God's promised delights started arriving within days of me being home, I had a friend from Hope passing through Seattle.  And then another reunion in Southern California as part of a road trip with my best friend.  And then another in October.  And a Seattle/Hope reunion.  And then another  19.5 hour glory session.  And that's only Hope friends.  I see my high school friends whenever they happen to be rolling through too.

I have an awesome little crew of friends here, now.  People I didn't know before.  I enjoy being around them and as far as I know they enjoy being around me too because I guess they keep inviting me to do things.  That would be weird if they didn't actually like me.  WHAT?  JESUS.  YOU'RE SO GOOD.  I DON'T EVEN DESERVE IT.  God's goodness isn't only indicated by the presence of people in our lives, because sometimes they don't seem to be there, but He still is.  The point is, God keeps His promises.  Always.  And He didn't have to give me friends during this season, yet He did.

And here's the other thing.  I've been missing Hope more recently, because the reality that it will be at least another year before I'm there has set in.  The engagements for summer 2015 weddings are rolling in weekly and the list of weddings I won't be at gets longer and longer.  There is a piece of my heart, and oh so much hurt and growth and glory and best memories that will always be tucked away in a little Dutch town in the mitten state.  Most of my college friends are still there in the area or finishing up school.  It's the smallest moments I miss, the faces and laughs and voices that I crave most of all.  But, I'm here.  And thus my heart is also here now too with my little crew and my family and coffee shops and good things.  And then I'll leave yet again and move to Thailand and meet gobs of new people who come in and out of my life yet again.  Such is mission life.  Such is long distance.

Maybe, home is where I am AND where I've been AND where I'm going.  Maybe home is eternity.  Because I will never be completely at home again on this earth.  Some place and someone will always be missing from me.  Just today I've thought about the dim golden light of Dimnent Chapel on a Sunday night, climbing mountains in Colorado, and a thousand other moments.  I also sat with two awesome friends and my parents at church today and got to hear about what God's doing in Mongolia.  At one point it was remembering my favorite Kenyan toddler in my arms so much that I thought my heart would explode.  And then I was imagining what my life will be like in Thailand, knowing that my expectations will do nothing justice until I am there experiencing everything.

More than anything, I want Jesus.  He's the one that have given me these experiences, and has given me the heart that longs to travel and love everyone I meet.  It's part of His plan to bring me closer to Him.  I've been pushed to what I thought was beyond breaking only to hear His still small voice with such loving kindness, "I'm still here, I'm all you have and all you need."  I don't know what the next year of my life will hold because two months from today I will once again leave everything that I know for yet another adventure.  I don't know how my heart has learned to do it, I know it will be hard to say goodbye again, it can only be from the Lord.  Because my home is in Him, and that means that my home and my heart are in a million places, yet always with me.  Because He is always with me.

"If home is where the heart is, then my home is in heaven" -Furnace to Fields, "Lets Go On a Journey"

"The taste of eternity is here on our lips, with every breath we sing for Your majesty is here in our midst" -Bellarive, "Taste of Eternity"

My last Lake Michigan sunset for quite some time, 5/26/14

I am just over halfway towards my fundraising goal of $15,000 to cover my expenses for my time in Thailand!  Thank you SO much to everyone who had already given.  I am amazed at what God is doing!  I know that God will provide for all of my needs, and He does this through His people!

If you still wish to give, click on the "Support Me" tab at the top of this page or  http://heartafterchrist.blogspot.com/p/support-me.html

Please continue to join me in prayer!  Here are some requests that I have right now:

--for my full funding to come in

--that God would continue to prepare my heart, that I would know Him more and more each day.

--for the people and ministries fighting sex trafficking in Thailand

--for God to be glorified!

If you would like to receive an email whenever I update this blog, there's an email update box on the left side of your screen.  If you are looking at this on a phone, look for "see full web version" at the bottom of the page.

I was planning to write a longer post today, but I am just not feeling inspired to write right now, so I'll wait until I have something more to say!  Thanks for visiting and thanks for your support!

The song of my week right now is "Holy (Wedding Day)" by The City Harmonic.  It's about us, the church (Christ's bride) and how one day the bride and groom will be reunited.  It popped up on my Pandora a few days ago and I've been listening to it on repeat, because it reminds me of exactly right where I need to be- in the presence of Jesus, sitting at His feet. 

A Sweet Word About Identity

***Welcome to my Thailand blog!  Until January, I'll be posting updates about my progress towards the mission field, as well as thoughts and updates from my life now.  Life with Jesus never stops, no matter where we are, and I know He's doing loads in this season of preparation!  Look to the left side of your screen if you want to be notified by email whenever I update this blog.  Thank you for your support!

I've been training for a triathlon.  Yep, I'm kind of surprised too.  I knew that it would be good to do something athletically productive during my time at home, so I've been training throughout the summer with a group of women here at home.  The structure and accountability that the group provides is also the only way that I would have had the courage or motivation to even attempt anything like this.

--1/2 mile swim- no problemo.  I love water more than land and I spent my childhood at the pool.  No worries here.

--15 mile bike- nerve wracking at first, yet I've come to really like biking.  I love that pushing it up a hill is usually followed by getting to flyyyyy down.  I like going fast.  It's work, but it's enjoyable.

--3.4 mile run- I wish we did the events in the opposite order.  This for me is the humiliation of junior high PE, its sweaty, its tired, it's scary it's YOU CAN'T in my mind over and over again.  Yuck.

I was involved in sports (mostly water related) all throughout my childhood.  I have never by any stretch been an athletically gifted person.  I was in sports more for the social aspect.  I like to eat.  I didn't do sports or make working out one of my priorities in college.  Since I was a little girl, satan has fed me lies about my body image.  So without getting excessively personal and writing a short novel, that's the history.

Coming home into an open six months, with maybe 1/4 the volume of commitments I've been used to having, and in preparation for Thailand, I decided that it would be a good time to tackle these things head on.  It's been a journey.  Honestly, I haven't even been excessively serious about training aside from official Tri Babes stuff as I thought I would be.  One of the many lessons learned: challenges are infinitely easier in community.  The journey hasn't been about radically dropping time or working my body to oblivion, but in working hard something much deeper has happened.

The biggest result of this journey has been a slow and subtle shift in some of my thinking.  My mental tape has shifted from hate to "good job, strong body."  It doesn't mean I got up that hill at lightning speed, it doesn't mean it was easy, it means that my body DID that for me and that is miraculous!  Another lesson: encouragement is monumentally more helpful than criticism.

But here is the moment from the other night that I originally sat down to write about.  I was doing a bike ride on my own to get ready for this Sunday and I was pushing it up a steep little hill that I hadn't ridden before.  I felt it in my legs.  I was pretty proud of myself, as I realized I was nearing the crest of the hill.  God's voice interrupted my thoughts and He said something to the effect of, "The fact that you're my daughter is still more important.  It's still what makes you you."  

This accomplishment, which I have fought to achieve.  This, which the world and the people in my life tell me is a good thing.  It certainly is!  It's a big deal!  Yet, It is still not where my identity truly lies.  I could be the fastest or slowest finisher, I could be the prettiest and have the best body ever, I could be ugly, ultimately, it is NOT what matters.  I could become a perfectly proportioned super athlete, I could do any number of things that are very good things, it would still not be where my identity lies.

He calls me Daughter.  He has adopted me from my sin and sure death, for nothing that I could ever give Him, BUT BECAUSE LOVE.  BECAUSE GRACE.  BECAUSE REDEMPTION.  The only thing I can do is response is give my life to His glory.  That includes my future, my day to day, and yes, this triathlon.

I have a choice on Sunday.  Which thoughts do I choose to believe?  Do I do what I've done my whole life and believe that I'm not good enough, or do I choose victory?  It's an easy choice.  It will only be by the strength of the Lord that I swim, roll, and drag myself through the race on Sunday.  It will be for His glory, because He is worthy, and He is the one who has set me FREE.

"And oh as you run, what hindered love, will only become, part of the story..." -Steffany Gretzinger

One of our lake swim evenings

Dear Hope Freshman

Dear Hope Freshman,

I remember this day too well.  The heat and the moving and the awkward and the excited.  It's surreal, isn't it?  You are at college.  Take a minute and let that sink in.  I'm guessing that you're somewhere between wanting to curl up and cry and wanting to meet and know everything and everyone in this new place as quickly as possible.  Or you're alternating between the two at lightning speed.  But, I don't know you, so who am I to say?

I don't know where you've been or what your story is or where you're going or what you're hoping to get out of college.  Though I wish I could buy you the caffeinated beverage of your choice and find out all of these things, my time at Hope is done.  I don't know you, but I know the place that you are at, and I know what happened to me and my people during our time at Hope.  This is probably more for my own thoughts than anything else anyways, but here you go.

Jesus.  This guy.  If you don't know much about Him, find out some more.  You'll hear about Him a lot over the next few years.  If you already know Him, find out more.  There's always more to know.  Whoever you are, He loves YOU (yes, you!).  Whatever baggage you might have, look again.  Give it another try.  There's no time like the beginning of college for a fresh start.  And the awesome thing about God is that there are unlimited fresh starts, whenever, no matter what.

The people always define an experience don't they?  Find your people.  Find people who love you for who you are and challenge you to become that person more completely.  Find people who are pursuing what you're pursuing.  Don't settle for being treated as less than the valuable and important person that you are.  Better yet, consider others as better than yourself and treat them with the dignity and respect.  Some advice from the wise guy in the last paragraph.  But anyways.  You have my word that there are some awesome people in the grades above you who are so ready to love, know, and walk with you.  Get to know them.

There's so much that I want to tell you, but here's one more point.  Don't ever, EVER, pretend to be okay when you aren't.  We have a human tendency to want to always prove the best of ourselves to each other don't we?  Trouble is, when everyone only shows one side of themself, we start to think that everyone else is happier than us, so something must be wrong.  It's impossible to be happy all the time.  Don't live into this lie.  Don't compare.  No one wins.  College is often a really awesome time, but sometimes the best growth comes out of really hard things and sometimes really bad things just happen.  Be honest.  Be the friend who speaks truth to the friend who can't hear it for himself.

What a great adventure you have begun.  Make it great.  Get involved in things that matter.  Push beyond your comfort zone.  Seek Jesus.  Personally, my move in weekend was less than spectacular, but it got better.  It gets better.  I promise that the panic in your soul right now will fade with time.  I promise you that it will be hard.  I promise you that it will be worth it.  And while you're at it, stay up late and laugh hard with the people that will become your family.  And if I were to meet you today and then see you again a few years from now, I hope that I wouldn't even recognize you.  I hope that you become who you are that much more. You picked a really good place to make that happen.  Welcome to Hope, 2018.  Welcome home.

Sincerely,
An Overly Sentimental Hope Graduate, aka Karen Harvey '14

You may or may not have your life together on graduation day

Abundance

I get to live within driving distance of this!  Praise God man!

It's been awhile.  I graduated, hung out in Holland, and then drove my car 3,000 miles home, seeing friends old and new all along the way.  Now I'm at home in Washington, living with my family and looking for a job before I leave for Thailand six months from now.

I'm in a transition.   I was driving into Washington on my trip, and decided to turn on "Home" by Ben Rector to commemorate crossing the border into my home state.  I regretted this decision by the time the first verse was over.  He sings, "But there's no fools like the ones I love oh no, so good Lord Almighty take me home."  When I think of "my friends" I think of my Hope friends- all still back in Michigan or scattered around the country and the world for the summer.  That's my group.  My crew.  My pack of goons, the fools that I love.  I don't get to go back to that.  That's not home anymore.  And it's not as though everything is exactly as it was back there and I'm just not there.  It's gone, and it's not ever going to be like that again.

Today I was listening to some music that I've had for at least a year and never actually listened to, House Fires, perpetually free on Noisetrade.  It's what I think of as "house worship," just a bunch of people hanging out and singing praises to Jesus with acoustic instruments.  One of their songs is "God of Abundance," which repeats over and over again, "You're the God of abundance, You're the God of abundance."  My college years certainly were ones of abundance.  An abundance of friends, community learning, sleep deprivation, coffee, and opportunities for worship and teaching.  I loved it.  I'm listening to the song, and remembering the feeling of sitting in a group of people that I love, singing just like that.  Oh the abundance of those moments.  I'm thankful for how deeply I drank them in before I left Holland for good.

The biggest temptation as a graduating senior is to be cynical and angry that the "best years" are over, and that life is nothing like what it used to be.  I'll probably go through this around the time school starts again, but I haven't been feeling this super hugely since graduation.  I was in Holland with said friends, and then I was reuniting with more friends and seeing new parts of the country (basically everything I love).  As another random gift from the Lord, a dear Hope friend was visiting the Seattle area within a few days of me coming home.  It's the littlest things that make me the saddest.  The moments when I wish that so and so could share a moment with me and realizing that that might realistically never happen.

Truth doesn't change though.  Though college was a time of much abundance, God is still the God of abundance.  For me now, it's an abundance of evergreen trees, job applications, and mountain views.  It's an abundance of time with God Himself.  It's an abundance of interceding for Thailand and the people that love.  God Himself is abundance.  An abundance of love and grace and redemption and truth.

This is where I choose to fix my gaze.  On God and who He is.  On the fact that He continually wants me to live fully as His daughter, in spite of my constant actions to the contrary.  Not only does He often provide more abundance than we even see, He is abundance.

This doesn't mean that I don't miss my people, because I do, in a quiet, deep, constant way.  But I've already seen so many people "again," from whatever season of life they are from and I have six more months in the States to do that, not to mention all of the new friends I'll make in my time here at home.  I know that this is where God wants me to be right now, and that gives me such a peace.  He is the God of abundance, wherever, whenever, whoever, whatever.  Amen and amen!

To My Brothers

I am blessed to have some great guy friends, brothers in Christ.  I haven’t really had many guy friends before my last two years of college- I was always in all girls sports, I’ve always felt awkward around guys since middle school, and I lived in an all girls dorm my first two years at Hope. 

The guys I’m talking about most of all put Jesus first in their lives.  His love shines through them.  They seek God as the source of their strength, courage, and wisdom.  They seek to love and serve as He would in the ways that they live their lives, not just every now and then.  The guys I’m talking about are not ashamed of the Gospel.  They aren’t perfect either, but those things don’t define them, and they’re honest about their struggles.  I have guys who I spend time with, whose advice I choose to seek, and who love and encourage me as a sister.  They treat me and other women with the utmost respect, and seek to honor God in their relationships, while still being fun to be around, and being their goofy crazy selves.  I trust them and feel safe around them.  This is a gift.

I was thinking about this one day, and thanking God for these relationships and the love and wisdom that I’ve gained from them.  He then spoke something to me quite clearly:

“Baby girl, it’s because I want you to know that there are good men.”

Tears in my eyes.  I know that this won’t always be the case.  When I go to Thailand, the people that I interact with, and who I will be serving have not known this kind of love.  They have been used, abused, and disregarded by men.  I will see the men who treat women as objects for their own enjoyment rather than as treasures, as beautiful daughters of the King. 

If I know myself at all, this is going to make me really, really angry.  It will be incredibly easy for me to give into this anger, to let satan work more destruction and pain where there is already too much.  But I refuse.

There are good men.  I know this because I know some of them, and I know that there are many more like them, and I’ll meet some of them in Thailand too.  I refuse to become a man basher.  All of us are trapped in evil in some way, but we have the option of freedom through the death and resurrection of Jesus who has taken our sin away from us so that we don’t have to suffer the eternal consequences of it.  My prayer is that I can see all people in this way, and not ignore my own brokenness in criticizing someone else’s.  I want to be a woman who knows that men can do better and calls them higher.  It breaks my heart that people are trapped in evil in such ways, but God’s love and truth is greater and stronger even than this.

Lastly, to the men of integrity in my life- thank you does not even begin to cover it.  Thank you for showing me that there are good men.  The way that you conduct yourselves, the way that you treat women and all people that you meet does not go unseen, by those around you or by our Father in heaven.  Your love for Him shines so brightly.  Thank you for encouraging me, usually without even knowing it, for chasing God’s glory more than what the world has to offer.  I don’t even know a fraction of what I’m going to encounter in Thailand, but I know that the presence of you guys in my life right now is part of God preparing me for that season. 

There will and is so much that tries to bring you down, that tries to focus your eyes downward instead of up.  Keep looking up.  I know that you have something that you struggle with, because we all have that this side of heaven.  Hear me loud and clear here: God is stronger than you, your weakness, and your past.  You are not defined by your sin, by guilt, by shame.  The God of the universe has still chosen to call you son. 

Really though, I have to give the credit to God.  For letting me learn this particular lesson in such a rich and wonderful way, for bringing me brothers who love and support me.  May we not be seen, so that He may be seen.