First Two Weeks at NightLight

So I’m now done my second week of my internship at NightLight!  Eventually, my roles will include coordinating guest groups, giving tours, and doing sales of NightLight jewelry here in Thailand.  So far I’ve done lots of random tasks, sat in on tours to start learning what I’ll be saying, and sold jewelry at a church here in town.  I went on my first night of outreach last Friday and helped with a medical clinic last week as well.  I’m just trying to take everything in, learn as much as I can, and do a good job! 

Outreach was one of the most significant portions of my week.  Thank you to all who were praying for and during that time!  We’ll be out again this Friday night, which will be Friday morning for most of you.  Prayer is especially important during these times.  I haven’t been here long enough yet to have huge deeply profound things longing to break out of my soul through words, so I’m just going to describe to you what I saw and felt.  We (two others and I) started the night with prayer and worship.  Two women from NightLight were also there to sing and pray with us (bilingual worship, yeah!) 

The street is crazy crowded with vendors and people at night, and lights and music blast out of the bars.  Through a thick black curtain, into more music and neon lights.  The women stand on a stage in the middle of the room, wearing a bikini at most, probably less.  They are supposed to be dancing, but really they are just stepping from foot to foot or moving their hips.  Their facial expressions range from bored to disengaged to desperate.  It’s their faces that I haven’t forgotten.  There certainly isn’t anywhere else in their direction that I can look without feeling incredibly awkward.  But not looking at them would do nothing to acknowledge their humanity.  We sit and order soda.  One of my coworkers who is able to communicate in Thai begins a lively conversation with one of the girls.  I sit.  I take it all in.  It sinks into the depths of my soul that this is truly happening in front of me.  Extreme emotions don’t hit me- because I can’t show them here, but realize after awhile that my shoulders are getting tight, a surefire sign that I’m feeling something that I can’t yet express.  That time, I didn’t end up (attempting) to talk to any of the girls, I just took everything in. 

I sat in that club and prayed.  I prayed for the conversation going on beside me, I prayed that God’s kingdom come in this dark place, I prayed that the girls before me would see themselves as beloved daughters of the King.  And as I prayed, God gave a tiny piece of His heart to me too.  His heart sees hope in deep darkness.  His heart knows those women by name, not by a number.  Being in that club hurt, literally on a physical level in my body I felt the darkness, BUT His hope shines brighter.  This was only my first of what will most likely be many trips into the club.  Join me in praying for these women, against the darkness that surrounds them.  Pray that the light of Jesus would break through in this place.  Pray for my team and I, prayer is so incredibly necessary in what we are doing.  

All in all though, city life in Bangkok is fun right now.  Liv (my roommate and coworker) and I take motorcycle taxis to the train most mornings to come to work.  In the evenings, I take a song taew home from the train- that’s a pickup truck with the back converted into bench seats and handrails and packed full of people.  I love just walking around to get wherever I’m going and all of the street food and random things that I see.  There’s even a golden retriever on the way home who I’m working on becoming friends with because, well, goldens are just the best.  That's all for now!

Run exploring

Beach Trips and the Red Light District- Weeks 3&4

I can barely believe it but my month of training with ISM is up, I’m moved into my new place, and I officially start at NightLight on Monday!

Training was one of those times that seemed to last 50 years and five seconds at the same time.  I just met these girls, we were together constantly for four weeks straight and now some of them are onto other parts of Asia for their internship placements and I didn’t realize until this morning when it was happening how sad it would be to say goodbye to them.   Even though goodbyes are never fun, I try and always be thankful for the hellos.  I’m now living with three other girls from ISM- Kate, Leesh, and Liv. We are all working at organizations that work with victims of the sex industry here in Bangkok and Liv will be at NightLight with me until late April.  I can hardly wait to see what sharing life with these women brings!

Since my last post, so many awesome things happened during training.  One highlight was our highly anticipated beach day.  We loaded up a giant van and drove 2 hours to Ko Samet, a lovely island beach with bright blue water and palm trees and white sand.  After having class or outreach every single day it was a much needed refreshing day!  My favorite part of the day was parasailing.  As I was casually flying through the air surrounded by blue ocean and sky, it sunk in a little more deeply that I am really here, that God really did call me here.  His glory was oh so abundant in that beautiful place, such a sweet reminder to have. 

On a more sobering note, we did a prayer walk in the red light district.  It was surreal.   I can’t believe all of the events, big and small, that have led up to that moment.  Who would have imagined that I would be here in Thailand, spending a year of my life?  I had many, many, thoughts and feelings about it.  The heaviness was palpable, yet so was the hope.  More than any of the sadness, anger, or disgust that I feel, burns my passion to see these women know who they are in Christ.  I know that I’ll have much more to say about all of this once I start my time with NightLight. 

I appreciate all of your prayers and kind words to me so far.  I would especially love your prayers as I begin this new phase of my life here, for my work at NightLight and for my new little home here.  Pray that our adjustments to our placements would be smooth.  Thank you so much!

Ko Samet I love you

Love these girls so much!

Old Friends and the Best Food Ever- Week 2

I can't believe its been 12 days since I last posted.  Oops.  Time is flying!  This week I rode on my first motorcycle taxi, decided that my new favorite food is mango sticky rice, and accidentally blew out half of my friends birthday candles while I was giving him his cake.  Double oops.

One of the most notable events of the past week that a friend of mine from Hope, Chris, was in town for a few days (including his birthday involving the partially extinguished cake).  I think I exhaled too much or something.  Anyways.  I hadn't even been here for two weeks when already another time in my life intersected with my life here.  It was so great to show him around with my still very limited Bangkok knowledge and for my ISM friends to meet him.  We had some great conversations and Chris and I discovered not one but two amazing coffee shops here in the city.  Coffee shops are somewhere that I love to be and that help me feel at home.  I'm thankful to have already found some places that can be that for me here!  I love how diverse the international community is.  There are all sorts of people from all over the world here at the YWAM base, and one of my ISM classmates had some friends visiting from Sweden who  have been with us for the past week.

On Saturday, we went to Thai cooking school and it might actually have been the best food I have ever eaten.  We made tom yum (soup), pad thai, spring rolls, green curry, and mango sticky rice.  The recipes were pretty easy and so delicious!

Yesterday (Sunday) we went to NightLight's church (the ministry I will be working with starting next month).  It was incredible.  Even though worship was in Thai, we knew many of the songs and God's presence was heavy in the room.  We sang "Break Every Chain" which took on a deeper meaning than it had for me before.  I'm so excited to begin serving with them!

God has been answering my prayers for more of Him this past week.  It was our "Spiritual Week" and we had some awesome teachings on a variety of topics.  I'm thankful for a deepened desire for His presence and for a community around me that is running with me towards more of Him and His glory.  He is worthy and He is worth it!

Glory be to the God who breaks every chain!

Want to check out even more pictures?  Hit the blue "View on Instagram" button on the left side of this page!

Only some of the delicious things I get to eat here!

Sawatdee kha from Thai cooking class!

Yes, I'm Alive and in Bangkok!

Well here I am in Bangkok.  I arrived on what here was Sunday night, while all you at home were starting your Sunday mornings.  I just wanted to give a quick update to let everyone know that and how my time has been so far.  I jumped right into my Impact School of Missions classes on Monday morning.  So far we’ve talked about culture and contexualizing and sharing the Gospel in Asian cultures.   Yesterday morning we had a basic intro crash course in Thai language which was super helpful.  I can already more clearly recognize some of the sounds that I hear in speech and I have a better idea of how to pronounce the Romanized Thai words that are on street signs or whatever.  And it may be too early to say this, but I think that my limited study of Chinese may be helpful in learning Thai as both languages are tonal and the tones are actually quite similar.  I’m also much more motivated with language this time around since I’m starting out immersed, I know my need to communicate.

In my training group are eight other girls ages 18-25, representing the US, Canada, the UK, Thailand, and Australia.  Out of nine of us we will be heading out to serve in Thailand, Cambodia, India, and the Philippines at the end of the month after training.  I’m enjoying getting to know everyone so far and I know that we will have many more adventures together!  

One question that I got a lot before I left home was what my living situation will be here in Thailand.  We are staying at the YWAM base here in Bangkok for the first month (shout out to all my YWAM friends!) and I share a room with three of the other girls.  After that I will be living with three other ISM students who are doing internships here in Bangkok.  That will change again in April as some of the girls head home at that time, and I’ll decide what to do from there later on.

Thank you all so much for praying!  I'll have more to share soon!

The Three Letter Word That Changes Everything: Pre-Depature Thoughts

First, watch this.  Because it's good and it's the clearest picture of the "so how are you feeling?" question that I've been receiving so much recently!  All credit to my friends at Ekballo Project.

ALSO, I haven't officially announced it on here, but you probably know my now, I am fully funded for my time in Thailand and I will be leaving this Saturday, January 3rd!  ALL GLORY TO GOD!!  Thank you for being a part of this story. Subscribe by email by filling out the bar on the left side of your screen (go to full version if you are on your phone) because my next post will most be likely coming at you live from BANGKOK!!



The vision of my life that has been playing in my head over the last weeks I think has been mainly inspired by this video, as well as some imagery God has given me over the past year and before.

Stick with me here.  I'm being metaphorical.  We'll see how this goes.

The journey towards the edge starts slowly at first.  The sun is setting, a giant ball of orange and pink and gold and wonder.  I am far back on the cliff, wondering if I can trust that great ball of fire who sometimes, amazingly, it is so hard to see.  I am not left alone on this cliff however, sweet friends say, "come on- look how beautiful the sun is.  It's okay.  It's still there.  Move towards it.  You can do it.  Take my hand."  Slowly, they begin to coax me back towards the edge, the edge where recently so much disappointment and pain had been.  I am barely moving, crawling maybe, but I start to move forward.  I have to make a decision though.  It is time to stand up and walk.  I start to walk, growing stronger as those golden rays touch my face.  

Each step forward comes, faster and faster it seems.  The energy pulling me forward fuels each step.  The view changes as I grow closer- I see more of what lies ahead.

I'll stop and explain here.  I knew for awhile that God was calling me to work with human trafficking victims, and shortly after that He was calling to me Thailand.  Before this, He had called me to study abroad in China (spring 2013).  Without writing a separate blog post, it was an amazing experience yet one full of challenges, disappointments, and a gigantic test of faith that totally destroyed and revamped my view of God and myself, hence the difficulty to begin trusting again.  I knew that I had to begin the process of saying yes to God and going to Thailand, yet as I felt that God had let me down (though He NEVER does!) this simple yes was at times agonizing.

I am running now, towards the infinite ocean to the blazing ball of fire that causes my heart to beat, in the greatest journey I could ever go on, chasing the heart of God.  Friends have been running with me the entire time, but as I move faster and faster their faces start to blur and they push me forward, my hands are pulled from theirs as I near the edge.  The edge is terrifying and exhilarating in the deepest way that I know.  I see it closer and I can't stop now, the height is terrifying yet love and grace compel me onward.  All at once, the edge is upon me and I leap into the great unknown, the ocean, the wings of the dawn.

All because of one three letter word.  YES.

I'm more or less reusing the imagery of the video, but let me explain.

Saying YES to God is the single most powerful thing we can do.  Saying yes to love, to bravery, to boldness, to humility, to adventure, to giving up everything that we've known or wanted because HE IS WORTH IT ALL.

Yes can be said in joy with both hands raised.  But maybe, the most powerful yes comes from being curled up on the floor with nothing left to do but trust God through tears and questions and a broken heart.  I know that's how this journey started for me, and since then has contained every possible emotion in between.

Yes is saying no to satan, to sin, to guilt and to shame.  It is saying yes to God's infinite, perfect, costly, free, incomprehensible grace.  Believe me, do I have a lot to learn about that.  As I think of myself on a full, unstoppable sprint towards the edge with only three days left stateside before I move to Thailand, it is my desire for more of the Lord that draws me onward.  It is my desire for Him that has given me my heart for justice for the oppressed, freedom for the captives, and healing for the hearts of people.

I want to say that this desire for God is not exclusive to going to the mission field or any kind of job or location.  It is for anyone and everyone.  I'm not special.  It's just that this is the call on my life, and I have chosen to say yes to my Father in Heaven who is more perfect and loving and challenging and infinite than I can understand.  If He is who He says He is, He is worth all of me and all of my life.

To Him be the glory.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me." -Hillsong United, "Oceans"

"You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore and in the waves... no fear can hinder now that Love had made a way" -Bethel Live, "You Make Me Brave"

"If I rise on wings of dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

"I'll let go of all I have just to have all of You, and whatever the cost I will follow you, Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You, and when I finally reach the end I'll say- You were worth it all." -Meredith Andrews, "Worth It All"

"We say no to fear, we say yes to love, we will follow You where You're leading us." -spontaneous worship from somewhere

Newport Beach, August 2014

Delight in the Mundane, Home, and Heaven

Honestly, I didn't expect this season of being home to be like it has been.

I remember the moment when I finally asked God what He wanted me to do the summer after graduation, and beyond (until Thailand).  I was walking by Pillar Church between 9th and 10th on College Ave. in Holland, Michigan.  The sun was bright and reflecting off piles and piles of glitter snow, my boots crunched along the sidewalk and it was quite cold.  My plan for months before this moment had been to find a job in Holland for the summer, live in a house with a bunch of girls, ride my bike everywhere, go to the beach and the farmers market constantly, and some awesome people get married, before heading home at the beginning of fall to live at home and gear up for Thailand.  Most importantly I would be able to stay with many of the people from my Hope community.

God doesn't always play by our rules though.  I finally openly, honestly, asked the question on that walk home from the library, and I heard, "baby girl, I want you to go home."  I was not happy about this.  Wasn't I already doing enough by going to Thailand?  Couldn't I just stay in my safe community place for a bit longer and have a Holland summer which I've always wanted to have?  Couldn't home actually mean Holland in this case?  It's funny, my longing in my upperclass years to stay at Hope could only be matched by my longing during my underclass years to be home in the Northwest.

Alas, this calling was confirmed and reaffirmed over the next few weeks.  I decided to stay for three extra weeks to make at least one of the weddings I had wanted to go to and God miraculously provided me with a job and a place to stay for that short time.  In this time He gave me another word about my time at home- "I have called you to the mundane, but I will delight you."  And, without the pressures of school and my impending and very final departure from Michigan approaching I got to have some really good times with people as well.  I also realized, that Holland would never, ever, be Hope again.

Usually, I fly between places.  This time, I set out on a two week solo cross country road trip.  The initiative to step on the gas and not turn the car around was all mine.  An iced Buzzed from LJ's to fuel my journey, one last roll through campus, turning onto the highway, and I was gone.  I was the only one to witness it's significance.  It was a slow, drawn out, goodbye.  Yet God in His mercy filled it with hellos as well.  I saw a friend from Kenya, four Hope friends (some of whom I hadn't seen in over a year), my Colorado church family, and friends from high school and camp.  I made it all the way from Holland to Silverdale while being able to stay with someone I knew every night.  THAT'S CRAZY.  Unreal.  Amazing scenery, food, people, and introvert time for me to begin processing what the heck had just happened in my life.

Now I live my quiet life at home, fundraising, working and going to church and Bible study.  That's pretty much it.  I usually get a somewhat adult amount of sleep every night.  I am a cashier at Staples.  It is neither glamorous nor terrible.  I expected a lonely season.  At first the contrast of not having literally too many people to potentially be with at any given time was a shock.  I felt so lost without the fall back of my community.  But the God's promised delights started arriving within days of me being home, I had a friend from Hope passing through Seattle.  And then another reunion in Southern California as part of a road trip with my best friend.  And then another in October.  And a Seattle/Hope reunion.  And then another  19.5 hour glory session.  And that's only Hope friends.  I see my high school friends whenever they happen to be rolling through too.

I have an awesome little crew of friends here, now.  People I didn't know before.  I enjoy being around them and as far as I know they enjoy being around me too because I guess they keep inviting me to do things.  That would be weird if they didn't actually like me.  WHAT?  JESUS.  YOU'RE SO GOOD.  I DON'T EVEN DESERVE IT.  God's goodness isn't only indicated by the presence of people in our lives, because sometimes they don't seem to be there, but He still is.  The point is, God keeps His promises.  Always.  And He didn't have to give me friends during this season, yet He did.

And here's the other thing.  I've been missing Hope more recently, because the reality that it will be at least another year before I'm there has set in.  The engagements for summer 2015 weddings are rolling in weekly and the list of weddings I won't be at gets longer and longer.  There is a piece of my heart, and oh so much hurt and growth and glory and best memories that will always be tucked away in a little Dutch town in the mitten state.  Most of my college friends are still there in the area or finishing up school.  It's the smallest moments I miss, the faces and laughs and voices that I crave most of all.  But, I'm here.  And thus my heart is also here now too with my little crew and my family and coffee shops and good things.  And then I'll leave yet again and move to Thailand and meet gobs of new people who come in and out of my life yet again.  Such is mission life.  Such is long distance.

Maybe, home is where I am AND where I've been AND where I'm going.  Maybe home is eternity.  Because I will never be completely at home again on this earth.  Some place and someone will always be missing from me.  Just today I've thought about the dim golden light of Dimnent Chapel on a Sunday night, climbing mountains in Colorado, and a thousand other moments.  I also sat with two awesome friends and my parents at church today and got to hear about what God's doing in Mongolia.  At one point it was remembering my favorite Kenyan toddler in my arms so much that I thought my heart would explode.  And then I was imagining what my life will be like in Thailand, knowing that my expectations will do nothing justice until I am there experiencing everything.

More than anything, I want Jesus.  He's the one that have given me these experiences, and has given me the heart that longs to travel and love everyone I meet.  It's part of His plan to bring me closer to Him.  I've been pushed to what I thought was beyond breaking only to hear His still small voice with such loving kindness, "I'm still here, I'm all you have and all you need."  I don't know what the next year of my life will hold because two months from today I will once again leave everything that I know for yet another adventure.  I don't know how my heart has learned to do it, I know it will be hard to say goodbye again, it can only be from the Lord.  Because my home is in Him, and that means that my home and my heart are in a million places, yet always with me.  Because He is always with me.

"If home is where the heart is, then my home is in heaven" -Furnace to Fields, "Lets Go On a Journey"

"The taste of eternity is here on our lips, with every breath we sing for Your majesty is here in our midst" -Bellarive, "Taste of Eternity"

My last Lake Michigan sunset for quite some time, 5/26/14

I am just over halfway towards my fundraising goal of $15,000 to cover my expenses for my time in Thailand!  Thank you SO much to everyone who had already given.  I am amazed at what God is doing!  I know that God will provide for all of my needs, and He does this through His people!

If you still wish to give, click on the "Support Me" tab at the top of this page or  http://heartafterchrist.blogspot.com/p/support-me.html

Please continue to join me in prayer!  Here are some requests that I have right now:

--for my full funding to come in

--that God would continue to prepare my heart, that I would know Him more and more each day.

--for the people and ministries fighting sex trafficking in Thailand

--for God to be glorified!

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I was planning to write a longer post today, but I am just not feeling inspired to write right now, so I'll wait until I have something more to say!  Thanks for visiting and thanks for your support!

The song of my week right now is "Holy (Wedding Day)" by The City Harmonic.  It's about us, the church (Christ's bride) and how one day the bride and groom will be reunited.  It popped up on my Pandora a few days ago and I've been listening to it on repeat, because it reminds me of exactly right where I need to be- in the presence of Jesus, sitting at His feet.