Joy that Fills

I am alone at a table in a Japanese restaurant, in one of Bangkok’s infamously numerous malls next to a window, a steaming bowl of ramen next to me.  I am full of joy.  For the past few days, I’ve been pretty empty emotionally.  There’s not one thing that I can say that contributes to that, its just something that happens in life, and there’s a lot of things going on in my life here.  I think that goes for most people wherever they are.

God is faithful.  The past few days at NightLight we’ve had a team from Bethel Church with us.  The girls went on outreach on Friday night, and the entire group has been providing prayer ministry and encouragement to NightLight women and staff.  Today, I went upstairs for prayer.  A group of five of the team prayed and prophesied over me.  Much of what they said was spot on and even answered some questions that have been bumping around in my mind for some time now.  What a gift.  I don’t know if I will see these people again this side of heaven.  I don’t even know everyone’s name in the group.  That’s even part of what makes it special.  Prophecy is speaking God’s words.  These people didn’t know me at all, yet what they said was so specific that it had to have come from Heaven.  That’s what has me undone today- that God would speak, care for, and love me in this way.  He uses His people to communicate all the time, and He knew what I needed to be reminded of today.  I felt so known and loved in that room, as if I had been with my closest friends.  My heart has been aching for that.  Today, I am full of joy, not because I met some cool people and they were nice to me, but because God sees me and cares for me and knows me.  I am full of joy because things make a little more sense now.  One of the things that was spoken over me today was that I’m full of joy and I shouldn’t be afraid to walk in that fully, not holding back.  Once again, He fills the emptiness.  He has been so faithful in that here- I have Him and His presence.  He’s there waiting.  He is good.

It’s hard to know what to write here.  Much of what I want to say isn’t to be said over the internet.  Much of it I don’t have words for.  God has me in a growing place, a pressing in place.  It’s messy and it’s personal, and it’s so beautiful because He’s right here, even when it doesn’t feel like it.  That being said, it’s high time for an update on my life.  I’m getting more comfortable in my roles at NightLight.  We’ve had a lot of guests this month which has been awesome, and also that I’ve been busy at work.  I finished my first section of language school today as well.  I feel like all of the information is in my mind but is still working on coming out how and when I want it to.  Prayer for that would be awesome.  Thai new year’s is coming up soon and in 10 short days I will be on my way to the south of Thailand for some very much needed rest.  Thank you, my sweet friends and supporters.  I would not be here without your love, prayer, and encouragement.  I’m so excited for what God is doing here, not only in me, but in Thailand and at Nightlight.  Thank you!  What do you want to know about my life here?  Let me know, and I'll work it into future posts!

This is my life now...

Assignment

Hey friends, I think Bangkok is getting hotter by the day.  Oh buddy.  If you're reading this with snow outside your window, I'm sorry.  Maybe.  One of my happiest moments since my last post was that I got to see my roommate from senior year Ellie and her husband Jake as they had a layover in Bangkok for an evening.  I cannot tell you how much joy it gave me to be with her again, catching up on Jesus glory stories, laughing at our jokes, and being loved by people who know me so very well.  It was hard to have to say goodbye again after only a few hours, but I'm so thankful for God providing that experience and reminding me how He loves to care for us, even in the seemingly small things.

In other news, I started language class today.  Our first class was learning vowels, consonants, and tones.  I had thought that knowing Chinese tones would help me out with Thai, but the tones are just different enough that it's confusing.  On the other hand, my China experience has been such a valuable stepping stone to Thailand in more way than one.  Because really, everything is preparation for something when you follow Jesus!

I went to Laos this past weekend with my friend and housemate Kate to apply for our education visas that will carry us through the rest of our time in Thailand.  We got into a van with a bunch of other expats in the evening on Wednesday, and drove all night until we got to the Laos border and walked across at 6am.  It was very much like a movie scene of some kind- a hoard of people with backpacks walking though a giant gate in early morning darkness.  However, we only had to walk because Thailand and Laos drive on opposite sides of the roads, and right hand drive vehicles aren't allowed across the border.  After that we waited in some lines, went to the Thai Consulate, and waited in more lines.  Kate and I's motto was to relax so we slept, watched movies and sat outside at our hotel.  The next day we received our visas, visited in excellent little coffee shop in Vientiane, and returned to Thailand.

That brings me to my next point.  A few weeks ago, I finished reading Unstoppable by Christine Caine.  I highly recommend it!  She compares life to God to running a relay race- being prepared, being ready for exchanges, and how everyone on the team does their part.  One idea she talks about is that of "knowing your assignment."  In her example (and in my life right now), it specifically applies to ministry.  We are most effective for God when we know exactly what we're supposed to be doing and doing it well.  The evening we were at the hotel, there was a most glorious sunset.  I was spending some time with God on one of the balconys, but the sun was away from me.  I ended up in a cleaning closet (that was only closed off by a curtain), with worship playing on my phone watching the sun go down in every color.

I thought about the people and nation of Laos, where churches are under scrutiny and Christians have been imprisoned and told to renounce their faith.  My heart cried out to God.  And yet, I sensed God say, ever so subtly, "this isn't your assignment."  My assignment was south of me at that time, in another South East Asian nation that is winning my heart in ways I didn't know were possible.  Because right now, this year, Thailand is my place and my people.  He has me to be here. Does that time and that love extend past November?  I can't answer that yet.  What I do know is that there's something about being here that's right and important.  It's more than me liking the food and the palm trees (even if my Instagram would give other ideas), it's a love in my heart that is bigger than me because its supernatural.  It's God's heart to see these people know Jesus Christ as Lord.  This is big and I'm not sure what exactly the make of that yet because it's one thing that could mean so many different things.  But, woah.  Because He loves this place a whole heck of a lot, and so do I.

Prayer Requests:
--grace and patience as I add Thai classes and studying to my schedule, and that I would have supernatural understanding for this language.  I haven't had much luck with language learning in the past, and I hope this time will be different!
--for outreach on Friday, that God's love would be tangible and communication between us and the women would be clear and meaningful.  Pray that it would be a night of blessing, healing, and God's presence!

Ellie and I! I'm so thankful for this.

Waiting to cross into Laos

First Two Weeks at NightLight

So I’m now done my second week of my internship at NightLight!  Eventually, my roles will include coordinating guest groups, giving tours, and doing sales of NightLight jewelry here in Thailand.  So far I’ve done lots of random tasks, sat in on tours to start learning what I’ll be saying, and sold jewelry at a church here in town.  I went on my first night of outreach last Friday and helped with a medical clinic last week as well.  I’m just trying to take everything in, learn as much as I can, and do a good job! 

Outreach was one of the most significant portions of my week.  Thank you to all who were praying for and during that time!  We’ll be out again this Friday night, which will be Friday morning for most of you.  Prayer is especially important during these times.  I haven’t been here long enough yet to have huge deeply profound things longing to break out of my soul through words, so I’m just going to describe to you what I saw and felt.  We (two others and I) started the night with prayer and worship.  Two women from NightLight were also there to sing and pray with us (bilingual worship, yeah!) 

The street is crazy crowded with vendors and people at night, and lights and music blast out of the bars.  Through a thick black curtain, into more music and neon lights.  The women stand on a stage in the middle of the room, wearing a bikini at most, probably less.  They are supposed to be dancing, but really they are just stepping from foot to foot or moving their hips.  Their facial expressions range from bored to disengaged to desperate.  It’s their faces that I haven’t forgotten.  There certainly isn’t anywhere else in their direction that I can look without feeling incredibly awkward.  But not looking at them would do nothing to acknowledge their humanity.  We sit and order soda.  One of my coworkers who is able to communicate in Thai begins a lively conversation with one of the girls.  I sit.  I take it all in.  It sinks into the depths of my soul that this is truly happening in front of me.  Extreme emotions don’t hit me- because I can’t show them here, but realize after awhile that my shoulders are getting tight, a surefire sign that I’m feeling something that I can’t yet express.  That time, I didn’t end up (attempting) to talk to any of the girls, I just took everything in. 

I sat in that club and prayed.  I prayed for the conversation going on beside me, I prayed that God’s kingdom come in this dark place, I prayed that the girls before me would see themselves as beloved daughters of the King.  And as I prayed, God gave a tiny piece of His heart to me too.  His heart sees hope in deep darkness.  His heart knows those women by name, not by a number.  Being in that club hurt, literally on a physical level in my body I felt the darkness, BUT His hope shines brighter.  This was only my first of what will most likely be many trips into the club.  Join me in praying for these women, against the darkness that surrounds them.  Pray that the light of Jesus would break through in this place.  Pray for my team and I, prayer is so incredibly necessary in what we are doing.  

All in all though, city life in Bangkok is fun right now.  Liv (my roommate and coworker) and I take motorcycle taxis to the train most mornings to come to work.  In the evenings, I take a song taew home from the train- that’s a pickup truck with the back converted into bench seats and handrails and packed full of people.  I love just walking around to get wherever I’m going and all of the street food and random things that I see.  There’s even a golden retriever on the way home who I’m working on becoming friends with because, well, goldens are just the best.  That's all for now!

Run exploring

Beach Trips and the Red Light District- Weeks 3&4

I can barely believe it but my month of training with ISM is up, I’m moved into my new place, and I officially start at NightLight on Monday!

Training was one of those times that seemed to last 50 years and five seconds at the same time.  I just met these girls, we were together constantly for four weeks straight and now some of them are onto other parts of Asia for their internship placements and I didn’t realize until this morning when it was happening how sad it would be to say goodbye to them.   Even though goodbyes are never fun, I try and always be thankful for the hellos.  I’m now living with three other girls from ISM- Kate, Leesh, and Liv. We are all working at organizations that work with victims of the sex industry here in Bangkok and Liv will be at NightLight with me until late April.  I can hardly wait to see what sharing life with these women brings!

Since my last post, so many awesome things happened during training.  One highlight was our highly anticipated beach day.  We loaded up a giant van and drove 2 hours to Ko Samet, a lovely island beach with bright blue water and palm trees and white sand.  After having class or outreach every single day it was a much needed refreshing day!  My favorite part of the day was parasailing.  As I was casually flying through the air surrounded by blue ocean and sky, it sunk in a little more deeply that I am really here, that God really did call me here.  His glory was oh so abundant in that beautiful place, such a sweet reminder to have. 

On a more sobering note, we did a prayer walk in the red light district.  It was surreal.   I can’t believe all of the events, big and small, that have led up to that moment.  Who would have imagined that I would be here in Thailand, spending a year of my life?  I had many, many, thoughts and feelings about it.  The heaviness was palpable, yet so was the hope.  More than any of the sadness, anger, or disgust that I feel, burns my passion to see these women know who they are in Christ.  I know that I’ll have much more to say about all of this once I start my time with NightLight. 

I appreciate all of your prayers and kind words to me so far.  I would especially love your prayers as I begin this new phase of my life here, for my work at NightLight and for my new little home here.  Pray that our adjustments to our placements would be smooth.  Thank you so much!

Ko Samet I love you

Love these girls so much!

Old Friends and the Best Food Ever- Week 2

I can't believe its been 12 days since I last posted.  Oops.  Time is flying!  This week I rode on my first motorcycle taxi, decided that my new favorite food is mango sticky rice, and accidentally blew out half of my friends birthday candles while I was giving him his cake.  Double oops.

One of the most notable events of the past week that a friend of mine from Hope, Chris, was in town for a few days (including his birthday involving the partially extinguished cake).  I think I exhaled too much or something.  Anyways.  I hadn't even been here for two weeks when already another time in my life intersected with my life here.  It was so great to show him around with my still very limited Bangkok knowledge and for my ISM friends to meet him.  We had some great conversations and Chris and I discovered not one but two amazing coffee shops here in the city.  Coffee shops are somewhere that I love to be and that help me feel at home.  I'm thankful to have already found some places that can be that for me here!  I love how diverse the international community is.  There are all sorts of people from all over the world here at the YWAM base, and one of my ISM classmates had some friends visiting from Sweden who  have been with us for the past week.

On Saturday, we went to Thai cooking school and it might actually have been the best food I have ever eaten.  We made tom yum (soup), pad thai, spring rolls, green curry, and mango sticky rice.  The recipes were pretty easy and so delicious!

Yesterday (Sunday) we went to NightLight's church (the ministry I will be working with starting next month).  It was incredible.  Even though worship was in Thai, we knew many of the songs and God's presence was heavy in the room.  We sang "Break Every Chain" which took on a deeper meaning than it had for me before.  I'm so excited to begin serving with them!

God has been answering my prayers for more of Him this past week.  It was our "Spiritual Week" and we had some awesome teachings on a variety of topics.  I'm thankful for a deepened desire for His presence and for a community around me that is running with me towards more of Him and His glory.  He is worthy and He is worth it!

Glory be to the God who breaks every chain!

Want to check out even more pictures?  Hit the blue "View on Instagram" button on the left side of this page!

Only some of the delicious things I get to eat here!

Sawatdee kha from Thai cooking class!

Yes, I'm Alive and in Bangkok!

Well here I am in Bangkok.  I arrived on what here was Sunday night, while all you at home were starting your Sunday mornings.  I just wanted to give a quick update to let everyone know that and how my time has been so far.  I jumped right into my Impact School of Missions classes on Monday morning.  So far we’ve talked about culture and contexualizing and sharing the Gospel in Asian cultures.   Yesterday morning we had a basic intro crash course in Thai language which was super helpful.  I can already more clearly recognize some of the sounds that I hear in speech and I have a better idea of how to pronounce the Romanized Thai words that are on street signs or whatever.  And it may be too early to say this, but I think that my limited study of Chinese may be helpful in learning Thai as both languages are tonal and the tones are actually quite similar.  I’m also much more motivated with language this time around since I’m starting out immersed, I know my need to communicate.

In my training group are eight other girls ages 18-25, representing the US, Canada, the UK, Thailand, and Australia.  Out of nine of us we will be heading out to serve in Thailand, Cambodia, India, and the Philippines at the end of the month after training.  I’m enjoying getting to know everyone so far and I know that we will have many more adventures together!  

One question that I got a lot before I left home was what my living situation will be here in Thailand.  We are staying at the YWAM base here in Bangkok for the first month (shout out to all my YWAM friends!) and I share a room with three of the other girls.  After that I will be living with three other ISM students who are doing internships here in Bangkok.  That will change again in April as some of the girls head home at that time, and I’ll decide what to do from there later on.

Thank you all so much for praying!  I'll have more to share soon!

The Three Letter Word That Changes Everything: Pre-Depature Thoughts

First, watch this.  Because it's good and it's the clearest picture of the "so how are you feeling?" question that I've been receiving so much recently!  All credit to my friends at Ekballo Project.

ALSO, I haven't officially announced it on here, but you probably know my now, I am fully funded for my time in Thailand and I will be leaving this Saturday, January 3rd!  ALL GLORY TO GOD!!  Thank you for being a part of this story. Subscribe by email by filling out the bar on the left side of your screen (go to full version if you are on your phone) because my next post will most be likely coming at you live from BANGKOK!!



The vision of my life that has been playing in my head over the last weeks I think has been mainly inspired by this video, as well as some imagery God has given me over the past year and before.

Stick with me here.  I'm being metaphorical.  We'll see how this goes.

The journey towards the edge starts slowly at first.  The sun is setting, a giant ball of orange and pink and gold and wonder.  I am far back on the cliff, wondering if I can trust that great ball of fire who sometimes, amazingly, it is so hard to see.  I am not left alone on this cliff however, sweet friends say, "come on- look how beautiful the sun is.  It's okay.  It's still there.  Move towards it.  You can do it.  Take my hand."  Slowly, they begin to coax me back towards the edge, the edge where recently so much disappointment and pain had been.  I am barely moving, crawling maybe, but I start to move forward.  I have to make a decision though.  It is time to stand up and walk.  I start to walk, growing stronger as those golden rays touch my face.  

Each step forward comes, faster and faster it seems.  The energy pulling me forward fuels each step.  The view changes as I grow closer- I see more of what lies ahead.

I'll stop and explain here.  I knew for awhile that God was calling me to work with human trafficking victims, and shortly after that He was calling to me Thailand.  Before this, He had called me to study abroad in China (spring 2013).  Without writing a separate blog post, it was an amazing experience yet one full of challenges, disappointments, and a gigantic test of faith that totally destroyed and revamped my view of God and myself, hence the difficulty to begin trusting again.  I knew that I had to begin the process of saying yes to God and going to Thailand, yet as I felt that God had let me down (though He NEVER does!) this simple yes was at times agonizing.

I am running now, towards the infinite ocean to the blazing ball of fire that causes my heart to beat, in the greatest journey I could ever go on, chasing the heart of God.  Friends have been running with me the entire time, but as I move faster and faster their faces start to blur and they push me forward, my hands are pulled from theirs as I near the edge.  The edge is terrifying and exhilarating in the deepest way that I know.  I see it closer and I can't stop now, the height is terrifying yet love and grace compel me onward.  All at once, the edge is upon me and I leap into the great unknown, the ocean, the wings of the dawn.

All because of one three letter word.  YES.

I'm more or less reusing the imagery of the video, but let me explain.

Saying YES to God is the single most powerful thing we can do.  Saying yes to love, to bravery, to boldness, to humility, to adventure, to giving up everything that we've known or wanted because HE IS WORTH IT ALL.

Yes can be said in joy with both hands raised.  But maybe, the most powerful yes comes from being curled up on the floor with nothing left to do but trust God through tears and questions and a broken heart.  I know that's how this journey started for me, and since then has contained every possible emotion in between.

Yes is saying no to satan, to sin, to guilt and to shame.  It is saying yes to God's infinite, perfect, costly, free, incomprehensible grace.  Believe me, do I have a lot to learn about that.  As I think of myself on a full, unstoppable sprint towards the edge with only three days left stateside before I move to Thailand, it is my desire for more of the Lord that draws me onward.  It is my desire for Him that has given me my heart for justice for the oppressed, freedom for the captives, and healing for the hearts of people.

I want to say that this desire for God is not exclusive to going to the mission field or any kind of job or location.  It is for anyone and everyone.  I'm not special.  It's just that this is the call on my life, and I have chosen to say yes to my Father in Heaven who is more perfect and loving and challenging and infinite than I can understand.  If He is who He says He is, He is worth all of me and all of my life.

To Him be the glory.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me." -Hillsong United, "Oceans"

"You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore and in the waves... no fear can hinder now that Love had made a way" -Bethel Live, "You Make Me Brave"

"If I rise on wings of dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

"I'll let go of all I have just to have all of You, and whatever the cost I will follow you, Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You, and when I finally reach the end I'll say- You were worth it all." -Meredith Andrews, "Worth It All"

"We say no to fear, we say yes to love, we will follow You where You're leading us." -spontaneous worship from somewhere

Newport Beach, August 2014