How Fickle My Heart

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
-Mumford & Sons, "Awake My Soul"

It's been awhile since I've posted.  That's what happens with a whirlwind finish to a semester before a time abroad and the following "detox," as one friend called it, in the first days at home.

God so totally rocked me this semester.  It was as if the things I struggled with sophomore year were finally brought full circle and the lies straight up rebuked.  Many of these things involved relationships with friends that went really well this year.  The father of lies tells me that no one likes me, I'm not worthy to be anyone's friend, I'm not spiritual enough to be friends with the cool people, and I can't do anything right.  At the same time the heart God gave me craves relationship.  I know these lies are not true when I come home to a surprise party because I'm leaving to study abroad.  I know that's not true when a friend shows up to help me frantically finish packing out my stuff.  These "well duh!" moments make me realize that these lies are never true because I am in Christ.  He didn't die on the cross to crush sin and death so that I could live in bondage to thinking I'm unworthy of anything...it is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1).  In this knowledge, I am more able to serve, to love people better, and to be who God made me to be.  These lies are intended to destroy me but they are LIES.  They aren't true.  They don't control me.  That's not what I answer to.  Here's the essence of what I learned this semester, because its what I can take with me forward into this new season:

It all comes back to Him.  All of the awesome changes I just talked about came about because of God's timing of some wise words and circumstances that happened that made me realize chasing popularity, friends, affirmation, acceptance, and the like ultimately leads to loneliness.  There was a night when I finally had to say, "God I just want YOU!"  It's about turning my gaze, focus, and priority to Him and Him alone.  It's then and only then do things ever go how I want them to, when He becomes what I most want.  Our God is one who desires relationship, closeness, and who is always willing to give us more of Himself.  This sounds too easy... and sometimes it is.  I find myself relishing in friendship, not His presence.  I find myself going onto Facebook and sliding backwards into a gloomy pit of jealously and self-comparison.  In worship, I think about how "devout" I must be looking, rather than... worshiping.  When I want to grow closer to Him so I can be a "super cool and powerful spiritual person" and have super cool and powerful spiritual stories to share, because then maybe I will be popular!  Yikes.  How fickle my heart.  I mess this up all the time.  However, God doesn't send revelation to just leave us hanging.  In these stumbles, I hear so overwhelmingly "I still love you."  I don't even deserve these four-millionth chances at all.  Wow.  Thank you Jesus!

So now I'm home.  I won't be in my happy home sweet Hope bubble until August.  This is the real deal now.  I know that I'm rooted and established in Christ's love (see last post) and that His love of the best basement worship night is the SAME love that I take with me here, to China, and everywhere.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.  It's been a challenge.  God used the season of first semester to teach me crazy things about Himself, using those around me to help and encourage me.  Now its up to me.  I don't have encouragement at every random encounter or exchange, I don't have the prayer chapel to retreat to, I don't have worship eight times a week.  I have my Bible, journal, and great music.  These things I take with anywhere.  I have friends who I get to tell the whole story to, because they haven't gotten to see it over time like Hope friends did.  Most of all, I have the presence of God Himself.  I have the Holy Spirit.  (There's an entire other post on that one too!)    I've been feeling pretty bummed and out of context for the past week... a new set of lies- that this can't last outside of Hope, or that it didn't mean anything to begin with, but I thankfully got to head to Portland and see an old friend and then see a Hope friend in Seattle (!!!) followed by the reuniting of the home crowd for our first baby shower (!!!).  God gave me what I needed in that- time to chill and catch up after a year and a half, a friend who's joy of the Lord is contagious, the celebration of new life.  Awake my soul.

One God.  No matter what.  No matter where.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life.  May we live and invest our lives to reflect the light of Christ.