We are called

We are called.

To love.

To learn.

Not to judge.

To listen.

To serve.

To reconcile.

To redemption.

We are called.

Will you listen?

Redemption

I just got back from a week long immersion trip to Newark, New Jersey with an awesome team of Hope students.  It went above, beyond, and deeper than any expectations that I had.  It was a LOT to process, and I'm still working through a lot of it.  Even in 24 hours back, there are things that were a lot easier to believe when I was blissfully hundreds of miles away from my real life.  This is where the challenge starts, the rubber hits the road, however you want to say it.  Will this really matter to my real life?  I say yes, but it won't be easy.  Lord give me the strength.

I think the hardest and most beautiful parts of the experience are often one in the same.  The most heart-breaking things for me were hearing other's stories, but almost all of these stories have another theme: redemption.
-The woman who will never see her children again.  This is a hard one to see a light in right now.  The woman is receiving love and care from the church community.  There are no words.  But there is hope.  There is always hope.
-Those who have lost things they valued at the sin of another.  In brokenness I see beauty and strength.  In pain I see resilience and recovery.  I see hope, forgiveness, redemption.
-A GIRL who has had MULTIPLE miscarriages before completing the eighth grade.  Though this situation is still very dark, the fact that she managed to graduate eighth grade is a huge achievement.  Lord intervene.  Redeem the evil that has been done to her.
-One of the church caretakers has a past including gang life, prison time, murder, and extensive drug use among other things.  But his smile lights up his face.  He proclaims Christ as Lord.  He has been redeemed.
-What used to be the second most dangerous housing project in the country is now abandoned in Newark.  We learned about the design flaws and system failures that caused the place to become so dangerous, and to be called irredeemable.  But now no one has to live there, and mixed income housing is going up only a block away.  Whether this concept will have the desired effects is yet to be seen, but there is hope.
-This last one is probably my favorite story to tell.  There was a woman, Kimberly, who came to the feeding ministry in the mornings two of the days that we were there.  She is in a wheelchair and because of a variety of medical conditions she is in extreme pain.  The healthcare system has failed her.  By the world's standard, she has every reason to hate her life.  However, she talked and smiled with us.  As I was coming out of the bathroom at one point, my teammate Anna was trying to wheel her in to wash her hands, but the chair wouldn't maneuver through the door.  We didn't really think about what we did, it just made sense at the time.  To God be the glory.  We got bowls of water for her hands to soak.  Anna washed, massage, lotioned her hands and clipped her nails.  It was the simplest act of a servant's heart love.  Another teammate prayed for her.  We gave her the closest thing we could to a manicure there in the church lobby with what we had lying around.  Not something any of us woke up expecting to do that day.  I give God ALL the glory.  Hebrews 13:1-2 says "Keep on loving each other as brothers.  Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing so some of you have entertained angels without knowing it."  I firmly believed that I was blessed to entertain an angel that day.  I am giving myself no credit, it was I who was blessed by her quiet spirit and joy amidst suffering.  One day, her pain will be redeemed.  I could write for days, but I'll close with some words from a favorite psalm, especially well loved when set to music here at home sweet Hope:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." -Psalm 126:5-6.

We hold to this hope, this promise of sweet redemption in Christ.

a new peace and maybe even some redemption

I found a new peace today.  A new way to calm myself.  Those who know me will be surprised, if you go way back you might even be floored.  I ran today, and I enjoyed it.  It was me, Lecrae (Christian rapper), and the track.  I just went until I couldn't anymore, then I walked for awhile and did a couple more laps.  It felt amazing. Workouts are never regretted, that's for sure!  I'm newly committed to this, and it makes me really happy.  In the darkness of my junior high years, I would say that PE was in the worst of those memories.  I once had a teacher laugh in my face because I couldn't hit the volleyball right, and lets be real, I don't run fast or have great hand eye coordination.  This led to being last picked for teams/partners, one of the last left running the mile, the one that the opposing team got excited to see when I got up to the plate for kickball.  I hated PE.  I am perfectly competent in the water, but we didn't have a pool, so I never got to show off those talents in class.  In a time of life when I was already desperately lonely and insecure, it was an area of life where I was incapable and unwanted.  Running was a big part of PE, feeling like a cow going to slaughter as we walked up to the track, as I got lapped, and it killed any desire I had to run for fitness.  So all through high school I was resolutely a "swimmer and NOT a runner."  I love being in the water.  However, freshman fall semester I was in a class called Health Dy(namics) with an amazing prof.  We got to run around Holland in the fall weather.  Picture, cute little cottage houses framed by giant trees with leaves in every shade of fire, crunching through the leaves in golden sunlight.  I could have my ipod with me to run, and I had a friend who I paced well with so I wasn't alone.  Besides, in college everyone is more mature than junior high.  No one really cared how fast I ran, or probably more accurately, I didn't think that they did.  (Spotlight effect... gotta love being a psych major).  After that semester I ran a few times sporadically, and when I heard that there was going to be a Color Run (google it!) in Seattle right after I get home from this semester I knew I had a goal.  I'm going to run that race.  I'm going to do that.  By no means do I consider myself a "runner" but God is redeeming my hatred of running, a hatred of working out, to be for His glory.  I get in a zone with Him as I'm pounding around and around the track.  It's all for His glory.  "...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." -Hebrews 12:1

sky high

I'M GOING TO DO MISSIONS IN KENYA.  djaksdfukjndwiiemcpoijf.  I don't believe its real.  I think I'll believe it when my plane lands in Nairobi.  Maybe when I see the precious children God will have given me to love on however I can for a summer.  I remember thinking about giving a college summer to missions in elementary school.  This has been long coming.  Honestly, I will have this experience, I will most definitely know that it happened, but I will always be amazed by it.  Like Honduras- "I just can't quite believe all that happened."  Three years later.  The point is, God takes us on amazing journeys.  Its all for His glory.  All of this is.  I know there will be people thinking that I should work all summer to make money for school, or that I should stay closer to home to do ministry or ___.  But this is the plan God has shown me for my life.  That's all that matters.  The money I have to raise?  In His hands.  This is my journey, my story. I know that I have a wealth of support though.  Just my friend's reactions at this news have already given me so much joy and peace.  You all have shown true selfless joy with and for me that is more encouraging than you know.  Especially you who understand exactly how much this means to me... you know who you are.  I am blessed to call you guys brothers and sisters.  We rejoice together.  This news, this love, this excitement, this peace at knowing my future, has brought me sky high out of my sophomore slump.  God has given me joy.  I just have to remember to give him the credit for this continually.  One of my current favorite bands, Needtobreathe, speaks some beautiful lyrics that express what I want to be throughout this experience in their song "Garden."

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you,
let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune,
Father let my heart be after you."

Though this song can definitely be applied to musical talents (and that's what it was probably written for).  But with my lack of those talents aside besides playing "Fur Elise" on the piano and a fervent desire to learn acoustic guitar, I see this chorus as applying to the songs, words, and choices that I make in my life.  It is a slow beautiful reminder of where my focus needs to be.  This is my prayer.  In all of this God, in school, relationships, for my time in and preparation for Kenya, Father let my heart be after you. Thank you for joy that is sky high.  Amen and amen.

First

It first came up walking up the camp road with Adina, our staff counselor during my one on one in the beginning session of camp.  I needed a reminder why I was doing what I was doing and she mentioned Matthew 6:33, "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."  I held this verse close all summer, as in every moment I had one reason for doing what I was doing, whether it be running down the slip and slide or consoling crying campers in the middle of the night.  By putting God first, the rest of life fell into place- friendships came in time and I learned how to be a camp counselor.  First came into my life again at The Call Detroit, a 24 hour prayer movement for the city of Detroit.  That was probably the most spiritually focused environment I've been in for such a sustained amount of time.  I was settled in with my Bible and journal while worship and speakers were going on around me, and I was getting the feeling that God was going to give me something big.  I'm looking at the journal pages now, and my writing is all outside the lines.  And here it is again: first.  "Lord help me to trust you and your timing.  Lord help me to turn to You first, to make You my love, my desire, my first.  This was the word from the Lord that I received that night.  
There are so many other things that get in the way of this.  Even good, beautiful Lord ordained things that can get in the way of putting God first.  Probably the biggest one I struggle with is relationships.  I let my relationships be what gives me life and joy, and God that is certainly a reason that God gives us relationships and that He didn't design us to be alone, but He is supposed to come first.  I have found my identity and the strength of my relationships when my identity should be in Christ.  I struggle with wanting a guy NOW rather than waiting for the person God has planned for me to marry.  Trust me, Hope College is a romantic place, and this would be a really fun time in life to fall in love.  But, God's plans need to be first.  And that might mean that I don't have the Dimnent Chapel wedding I've been dreaming of.  And that might mean being on the mission field as a single woman.  And that terrifies me.  I want to adopt, and my children will need a dad.  I don't want to live alone  But having faith in God is having faith in His timing and His provision.  If God calls me, I must go.  By seeking first His kingdom, the rest will be given to me as well.  And I have fallen into the trap of seeking so that I may receive, and that is wrong.  That doesn't work.  God knows my intent in that, and it just doesn't work like that.  
Recently, through a valley time (see last post) He has spoken to me about my priorities.  And it came again, first.  And this time I decided that I would truly live into this command.  And in the last three days I have been blessed with the joy of the Lord.  In other times where I have chosen His path over the world's I have fought and been miserable because I didn't have what I wanted.  Imagine the pouting face of a child who's parent has just laid down the law, all her anger and rage channeled into a glare before she grudgingly does what she's told.  But I decided to embrace God's words, and I realized that the joy of His presence is greater than what I left behind.  I'm glad this funk has finally broken (at least for now).  And with this changed perspective, the things that were stressing me out seem so much more manageable.  By not finding all of myself in relationships, I am less hurt when there is tension or brokenness.  By realizing that God knows and has planned exactly where I am going to be living next year, I can stop obsessing (okay, maybe) and know that wherever I am, it will be okay.  I can love my community again.  And hardest of all, as I'm climbing out of this valley time, I can start to love myself again, as the words and actions of other people matter less to me, and I see who I am in Christ.    


Left my fear by side of the road
Hear You speak, won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's love, that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You


One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would the world be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong/#share
-Hillsong

Psalm 42

I've been resting in this psalm a lot lately.  Its one of those man, this really fits my life kind of moments with scripture.  It begins with the psalmist describing his deep thirst for God, wondering how it can be quenched.  I am so ready for more of God.  A deeper relationship, new knowledge of Him.  How I'm going to get there, I'm not really sure right now.  I've been working on scripture reading and prayer, and He does show Himself to me.  But I'm in a funk.  And I want to get out.  I don't really know what to call this "valley time."  Sophomore slump?  Its the middle of winter?  Who knows.  All of the above.  I'm getting over college a little bit.  The freshman year oh my goodness I'm doing laundry and eating in Phelps phase is long gone.  I'm sick of Phelps, laundry is nothing special.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Hope College, and I feel so blessed to be here.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wants me to get my education and live four beautiful years of life.  But I wish people would get real.  Its impossible to be happy all the time.  Its impossible to look good all of the time.  I wish I knew what it was like, to be like you, to be surrounded by friends, to know everyone everywhere you go.  I wish I knew what it was like, to be sought out.  I wish I knew what it was like to be you.  And you're going to say, I think you're great!  I love you so much!  Which I'm not doubting persay, and I do think you are wonderful as well, we're just different in some ways.  But your actions haven't proven it to me yet.  You love everyone so much, and life is so great, but when was the last time you stopped and listened to me, or one of the other nameless faceless people on this campus?  "You" isn't anyone specific here.  Its a group attitude that I'm getting tired of, and its not after a year and a half, its after 19 years.  I know God made me the soft-spoken person that I am for a reason.  I just can't always see what that is.  I'm tired of feeling lonely surrounded by people, and wondering what I have to really offer to the world.  I'm tired of being the quiet one, tired of being brushed aside because I'm not the one with loud witty comments.  And that might be who you are.  And that is who God made you to be, live it!  Seriously.  And God made me how He wants me to be and I know that's good enough, but its hard when I don't feel good about it.  He made me this way with a purpose, and I don't know what that purpose is yet.  Sorry for ranting.  Do not, not, not, think I am fishing for compliments.  I am being real, I am trying to explain something I don't fully understand myself.  If you take the time to read my blog, you probably have at least some level of caring for what I have to say.  So back to Psalm 42.  Verse 6 is great: "My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember You."  I know that the answer is looking to God.  That is what I'm trying to do.  But I'm an impatient broken person.  I want to know NOW.  Why do we do that so much?  God has been showing me that the answer to all of this is to trust Him.  Unswerving, deeply, above all else, put my focus FIRST on Him, and the rest will fall into place.  I find my peace in verses 7-8:

"Deep calls to deep

   in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

   have swept over me.

  By day the LORD directs his love,

   at night his song is with me—

   a prayer to the God of my life."

In all the challenging times, God's song is still with me.  I love worship music, and they run through my head as prayers all day.  I find great comfort in thinking of God as a song.  When I start to get super stressed I know exactly what music I need to put in to bring myself back to normal.  Whatever that is.  The psalm wraps up with more encouragement:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast?

   Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

   for I will yet praise him,

   my Savior and my God."

I'm slowly learning from this funk.  I know God is walking with me through this, and is waiting on the other side with more of Him then I have yet known.  My hope is in Him, and I will yet praise Him.  Thanks for reading.

Then sings my soul

Excuse the lateness of this mostly New Zealand themed post.  I found this line running through my head almost constantly on the trip.  Hope friends will be familiar with the chorus, "then sings my soul, to my Savior God, to Thee we sing, how great Thou art."  How could I not, surrounded by such beautiful creation, by God Himself?  That is probably the number one way that I experience God, through creation.  My soul was ever so happy in New Zealand.  I got to be around people who were happy to be with me.  I got to ride around in the car and just feast on rolling green fields, bright peaceful blue water, and tall dark hills.  So different from the life I normally live.  So through all of that I finally figured out why I don't like that Michigan is flat and why I love seeing my mountains so much when I'm home.  Mountains make me feel small.  Mountains remind me that God is so much bigger, that I don't stand a chance against Him.  Mountains don't change either.  When I fly home Mt. Rainier is always there to welcome me on the way in, always.  Just like God is there, always.  "For God has said, never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).  I grew up in hilly and mountainous terrain, and the flatness of Michigan still kinda freaks me out sometimes.  I've made a home for myself here but its with the people and places of Hope, not with the scenery.  (I do love the lake though).  I feel to big, too stretched out, too uncontained.  I feel protected having high peaks around me.  Its just what I'm used to.  Being around my kind of landscape is something that fills my soul incredibly full.  My soul sings.  That is God to me.  So this is something I figured out about myself in New Zealand.  I think we all need these experiences with ourselves- that show us who God is to us and maybe no one else.  In a time and generation where experiences are considered worthless if not shared with others, it is especially important.  God loves each of us so. closely.  So intimately. He made us who we are, exactly who we are, flaws and all, and He knows exactly how to speak to us in ways that we understand, if only we are willing to listen.  So sings my soul.