Set a Fire...

Hey guys.  It's been awhile.  China happened. http://seekingadventurewitheyesopen.blogspot.com/ if you want to read all about those.  Here's been whats on my mind recently since arriving in Colorado for my summer youth ministry internship!  Actually its more of a story.  I have no idea.  Whatever.  And some China reflection, which will still be coming for awhile I think.

China was one of the single most amazing experiences of my life.  I was so free to just be whoever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, and do whatever I felt like doing.  I saw some amazing things, challenged myself with a language that is both beautiful and terrible in the best ways possible, and met some people whom I love deeply.  This entire experience challenged a lot of my worldview, God-view, life-view, whatever you want to call it.  Things were certainly not the way they are in the Hope bubble.  I struggled with how to process not being in a constant Christian community.  My faith became an "on my own" sort of thing.  I was blessed to take several travel weekends which meant I didn't always make it to church.  It was hard.  It was so, so, hard.  Not that my physical presence in (or out) of a church changes anything about who God is or who I am in Him, but it was so much easier to become discouraged.  Everything I knew was so far away.

On the other hand, I realized that the world is not like Hope.  Some of the things that I spent a lot of time and effort building up were no longer really relevant to the people I was with.  Having a lovely polished story about how God was working in my life.  Worship nights were no longer an option.  Having a smile in place and making everything seem okay wasn't so important anymore.  It was confusing.  I doubted.  I was faced with a huge feeling that I had failed in some way.  My "cup" so to speak was full after an amazing first semester.  I knew I was being filled to be emptied, and I was right.  When I got back to the States, I was fairly happy to be home and ready to relax before the next adventure.  God has given me a lot of grace in the reverse culture shock process.  I had to make the turn around in a week and a half and so I did.

Now I'm here.  My host family is awesome.  They want to know and love me.  I have nine and ten year old siblings who just love life so much.  My co-workers are awesome too.  We spend most of our time together and so have taken the approach of "we're going to be great friends and know each other way too well by the end of this, so lets start now."  The church as a whole is incredibly loving, encouraging, and welcoming.  The youth group kids have shattered my expectations.  They have a deep understanding of loving each other in community that I think many groups of Christians could learn from.  They are fun and engaging, and I can't wait to get to know them better.

I turned 21 yesterday.  I celebrated by hanging out with my intern pals all day working and then going out to the desert to watch the sunset after a youth leadership team cookout.  Goodwill and Macklemore.  Cupcakes that shouldn't have been left in the car.  A $4 bagel and cream cheese for lunch with enough cream cheese for about three people.  We dipped cheez-its in the extra.  Taylor Swift turned up in the car.  Coffee and the Word.  The sandstorm with (60?) mph winds that had us crouching behind our cars.  Life chats with the ladies.  I realized something, when we were out at the desert, and the sandstorm blows through in all its fury yet its mixed with raindrops, a shower of blessings, as the dust clears and orange and purple and pink glow boldly on the horizon.  I'm starting to get my passion back.  The passion that I left first semester and Urbana with.  When my heart is full of desire for God and MORE of who He is.  The passion for Jesus that burns deep inside.  The passion that I had to work through in a different way in China, but now its back, and with it comes JOY.  That realization was the best birthday gift that I got yesterday.

"Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain that I can't control, I want more of You God, more of You God... we want more, we want more, we want more, so pour it out... no place I'd rather be than here in Your love." -United Pursuit Band, "Set a Fire"

Urbana 12

So what did you learn at Urbana?  Its a question many people have asked me this week.  (If you didn't know, Urbana is a student missions conference held every three years.  17,000 students attended this year in St. Louis).  It was an amazing experience that I won't soon forget.  Here are some things that happened/I learned/God did:

-God was very graceful in getting our entire Hope College crew there, from paperwork crises, to bringing together 13 people, to funding, to food, He had the thing covered!

-There were 17,000 college aged kids there, all worshiping Jesus together.  That was probably what awed me most- the sheer size of everything.  Imagine Revelation Song being sung simultaneously in 4 languages (English, Spanish, French, Chinese).  I can hardly wait to see what heaven will be like, if that was only a tiny glimpse!  To see so many of my peers who share my values was inspiring- a way of appreciating the scope of God's global mission.  Just how big it is.  Not really even sure I can totally explain this one.  We also sang songs in Hindi, Korean, Swahili and possibly a different African language.  One day every tribe tongue and nation will be together worshiping Him!  What a delight to catch this vision on earth as well.

-We had dozens of breakout seminars to choose from each day.  I went to one on managing finances, one about ministering to honor and shame cultures (fascinating!) and one about gendercide in China and healing.  I enjoyed talking to random people that I met and learning about things that specifically interest me.

-There were hundreds of different mission organizations represented.  It was totally overwhelming, but I made some connections and got information from tons of organizations that will hopefully help me in the future.  Theres a mission organization for just about every kind of ministry in every kind of place!

-Some of the main highlights for me were in the keynote speakers we had each evening and morning.  David Platt challenged us to give up everything for Christ, that being a Christian isn't a halfway thing.  Chai Ling talked about gendercide in China and her own experiences with forced abortion, rape, and the healing love of Christ.  What was a spark 10 years ago when I heard about the Chinese treatment of women was fanned to furnace flame.  All I could say after that night was, "thats everything I want to do!"  They both spoke on the same night and left us rocked, shaken, and on fire!

-Another speaker was a missionary from a very closed country who had endured great personal sacrifice and loss to bring God's love to the people of that country.  She again challenged us to give everything, and in giving her life story spoke with an unswerving calm about the goodness and worthiness of God.  I don't think there was a dry eye in the house.  She said, "light isn't needed where there's already light.  The Gospel has to go to the darkest of places."  In the wake of her testimony, we were forced to consider the question: what wouldn't you do for God?  How much comfort can you really hold onto.  He deserves everything.  As she was talking and the Spirit was moving, I saw one thing in my mind.  A red lightbulb shining in the darkness, and I knew where my darkest place would be: women and girls who have been victims of sex trafficking and abuse.  I saw eyes with no hope, that had not known love.  Passion stirred deep inside to seek justice for these broken girls, to see them receive the healing love of God, to leave their life of bondage.  

-God was hardcore present all week, and blessings were raining down.  96 Urbana attendees decided to become Christ followers for the first time, and many more made re-commitments.  I got to use some of the gifts God has given me to impact my life and the lives of those around me, which is one of the coolest and most humbling things!  To Him be the glory!  I know that my role for Hope in this next season is as an intercessor, and God totally confirmed that as well.

-One question I tried to ask everyone I came in contact with was "what is God doing on your campus?"  The answers were more or less the same... everyone spoke to the increasing presence of God and of big things that are happening!  God is truly moving right now, and it is so exciting!

Urbana was a truly beautiful experience that I am so thankful I got to be a part of.  I have a greater vision of God's heart for the world, and where I fit into and use my gifts in that.  I got share the time with some awesome people who I am blessed to call friends and classmates and see how God is going to use them for crazy awesome things for His kingdom.  I'm now headed into a yet unknown season in China- but I do know that the God who I felt move so powerfully at Urbana is the same God whose authority I will walk in in China.  Because its all about Him anyways.

How Fickle My Heart

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
-Mumford & Sons, "Awake My Soul"

It's been awhile since I've posted.  That's what happens with a whirlwind finish to a semester before a time abroad and the following "detox," as one friend called it, in the first days at home.

God so totally rocked me this semester.  It was as if the things I struggled with sophomore year were finally brought full circle and the lies straight up rebuked.  Many of these things involved relationships with friends that went really well this year.  The father of lies tells me that no one likes me, I'm not worthy to be anyone's friend, I'm not spiritual enough to be friends with the cool people, and I can't do anything right.  At the same time the heart God gave me craves relationship.  I know these lies are not true when I come home to a surprise party because I'm leaving to study abroad.  I know that's not true when a friend shows up to help me frantically finish packing out my stuff.  These "well duh!" moments make me realize that these lies are never true because I am in Christ.  He didn't die on the cross to crush sin and death so that I could live in bondage to thinking I'm unworthy of anything...it is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1).  In this knowledge, I am more able to serve, to love people better, and to be who God made me to be.  These lies are intended to destroy me but they are LIES.  They aren't true.  They don't control me.  That's not what I answer to.  Here's the essence of what I learned this semester, because its what I can take with me forward into this new season:

It all comes back to Him.  All of the awesome changes I just talked about came about because of God's timing of some wise words and circumstances that happened that made me realize chasing popularity, friends, affirmation, acceptance, and the like ultimately leads to loneliness.  There was a night when I finally had to say, "God I just want YOU!"  It's about turning my gaze, focus, and priority to Him and Him alone.  It's then and only then do things ever go how I want them to, when He becomes what I most want.  Our God is one who desires relationship, closeness, and who is always willing to give us more of Himself.  This sounds too easy... and sometimes it is.  I find myself relishing in friendship, not His presence.  I find myself going onto Facebook and sliding backwards into a gloomy pit of jealously and self-comparison.  In worship, I think about how "devout" I must be looking, rather than... worshiping.  When I want to grow closer to Him so I can be a "super cool and powerful spiritual person" and have super cool and powerful spiritual stories to share, because then maybe I will be popular!  Yikes.  How fickle my heart.  I mess this up all the time.  However, God doesn't send revelation to just leave us hanging.  In these stumbles, I hear so overwhelmingly "I still love you."  I don't even deserve these four-millionth chances at all.  Wow.  Thank you Jesus!

So now I'm home.  I won't be in my happy home sweet Hope bubble until August.  This is the real deal now.  I know that I'm rooted and established in Christ's love (see last post) and that His love of the best basement worship night is the SAME love that I take with me here, to China, and everywhere.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.  It's been a challenge.  God used the season of first semester to teach me crazy things about Himself, using those around me to help and encourage me.  Now its up to me.  I don't have encouragement at every random encounter or exchange, I don't have the prayer chapel to retreat to, I don't have worship eight times a week.  I have my Bible, journal, and great music.  These things I take with anywhere.  I have friends who I get to tell the whole story to, because they haven't gotten to see it over time like Hope friends did.  Most of all, I have the presence of God Himself.  I have the Holy Spirit.  (There's an entire other post on that one too!)    I've been feeling pretty bummed and out of context for the past week... a new set of lies- that this can't last outside of Hope, or that it didn't mean anything to begin with, but I thankfully got to head to Portland and see an old friend and then see a Hope friend in Seattle (!!!) followed by the reuniting of the home crowd for our first baby shower (!!!).  God gave me what I needed in that- time to chill and catch up after a year and a half, a friend who's joy of the Lord is contagious, the celebration of new life.  Awake my soul.

One God.  No matter what.  No matter where.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life.  May we live and invest our lives to reflect the light of Christ.

Rooted

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:16-19.

This passage was shared at Friday Night Worship last night, and God totally spoke to me through it.  My time left at Hope before I go study abroad is drawing to a close, and it has been freaking me out this week.  I live with three seniors and I have lots of other senior friends or friends who are going abroad next year.  Who knows if I will see them again on this earth?  I have had the best semester of my Hope career and its ending so soon.  It's been easy to think that God must not want me to be very happy for very long, or that there is no way things will be good like this again for a long time.  It's very easy to think that I don't deserve it.  These are lies.  Going to China is God's plan for my life, just as being here is His plan for my life this semester.  Out of the center of His will is not where I want to be.  I'm not supposed to be here next semester.  However, my heart is breaking.  I don't want to leave the friendships that I have just formed.  I just got here.

And yet, God spoke to me through Ephesians.  I am rooted and established in love.  Right now, I feel rooted in where I live and in the love of many of the friendships that I have.  I have truly seen Christ's love through these relationships.  It's easy to feel that this temporary situation is where my roots are, and to be upset that I'm going to leave.  And then I realize- my DEEPEST roots are in Christ, and Him alone.  And I have Him WHEREVER I go.  I see how deep and wide and long and high His love is.  All good things come from Him.  Even my earthly roots come from Him.  He loves me so much that I can never hope to comprehend- and I am promised His fullness.  No matter what, I am rooted in Him.

Melody Sounds Like a Memory

You know how a song can remind you so much of a season?  Whenever I hear "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman or "All Thy Fullness" a Hope original, I think of the end of last school year.  I was exhausted in the depths of my soul.  The sophomore slump is a real deal.  These were the favorite chapel songs of the time, and I remember standing so many times thinking, "God, You really are all I have right now."  In the hurt, confusion, and exhaustion of that time, these songs were my certainty, clarity, and worship.  I listened to them late at night in Kenya, when the world just wasn't making sense to me.  Why do children get abandoned?  What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  I love how these songs remind me of that, many months and new seasons later, that I still have so many reasons to be grateful to God, that I need to sing of that, that He really is, always, my one and only Fullness.

Humility

If I could choose one word to describe encounters with God it would be humbling.  Being used by God is one of the most amazing and humbling things I can think of.  I've had experiences where I've known that I was speaking what God wanted me to say or what God wanted me to do.  Sometimes these experiences can seem like a really big deal, such as delivering the morning message to a group of campers, sometimes they are simply following the nudge to talk to someone and having a conversation that needed to be had.  I walk away from these situations usually with a "wow, that was pretty cool, I guess I can do something right!" feeling, but more importantly being totally in awe of God.  When I know the words did not come from me, I know that I am a small part of something so much bigger than me, when the words expand into something bigger than I can have imagined.  When the choice to serve or follow God leads to things no one would believe.  I am humbled that God would choose to use me for His great and vast purpose here on this earth.  I am astounded by His greatness.  I am humbled, to be a broken human who is allowed to mess up over and over again, and still invited into His presence.

Sometimes this humility is less glamorous too, and I am reminded of it in the smallest ways.  Its the look on my roommates face when I know I've crossed the line, but she gently corrects me in love.  Its the fact that my stuff is strewn all over the living room, and I say that I'll clean it up even though I probably won't, and I'm still loved and accepted.  Its the way that these girls have sought to know me, and see Christ in me.  I'm humbled.  They know me and they still love me, even though I'm not the perfect roommate.  Being humbled by God isn't the same as having my ego taken down a peg or being embarrassed by something.  There is such peace in knowing that I'm never going to have it all together, but that He does.  This is the word from God I've gotten recently... I still love you.  I screw up daily.  I put my eyes on worldly things, I think unkindly of others, I don't spend my time as I should.  He still loves me.

I am humbled in His presence.

Face Away from the Book

So I just finished a month long Facebook fast.  I knew I needed to seriously redefine my view of God and relationships, try and get over my comparison issues, and just focus on myself and the people I'm physically around for awhile.  So in week two of the semester (a month ago now, wow!) I asked my roommate to change my password.  I must say, it was glorious.  I didn't miss it too much to be honest.  God has given me a wonderful season of growing and being poured into.  I realized that I needed to desire Him for Himself and not for what He can give me or how I feel.  This meant laying down the idols of friendships, relationships, popularity and the like, thus I decided to cut out a major source of those battles-Facebook.  It was hard to swallow, but through it all I had some wonderful people speaking honest truth and kindness to me, and God delighted me in Himself, his unfailing love and faithful presence.
I'm living with a great group of girls this year, who all genuinely love and follow the Lord, and love me as a sister in Christ.  We laugh all the time, and this little apartment really does feel like home.  I'm in a receiving season I think- coming off of over a year of continually pouring out (camp, RA, Kenya...) I'm being loved on by my friends, community, and God.  This is all preparation for next semester... (could I go for too long without an adventure? never!) when I'll be headed to China for a semester of study abroad.  So I'm trying to squeeze as much joy out of this semester as I most possibly can.
Being off of Facebook and enjoying all these things purely for themselves has been wonderful.  I highly recommend it.  I've gotten to see how God sees ME, not anyone else, because I'm not supposed to be them... that's not who He made me.  We only post the good times in our lives on Facebook, so it makes it easy to think that everyone else's life is better than yours.  Which isn't true at all of course!  I get to focus on what I AM doing not on what I'm not doing.  Fulfilling His purpose for me here at Hope doesn't necessarily mean being popular or well known or well liked.  And His purpose is what I want to be seeking.  And this is a daily battle.  Sometimes I fail, and I just want people to like me, and it gets easy to believe the lie deep in my soul that no one likes me at all.  I am a broken human being.  But God's love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me and never changes.  He STILL loves me even when I mess it up.  I have become more assured of this over this time.  Its so easy to get bogged down in regret, rather than saying "well, I messed up, God please forgive me, let's get going again."