Red Rocks and Radical Grace: My Summer

I haven't really been into the whole blogging thing this summer, aside from one post at the very beginning and a few China wrap ups.  A lot of what I did this summer was to be involved very closely with other people and their stories, which aren't really my business to blog about anyways.  However, it was a summer more fun, challenging, beautiful, and full of lessons than I ever expected.

What did I expect?  I don't really remember anymore.  I expected to be surrounded and rocked (pun intended) by God's creation on a regular basis and this definitely happened.  I more fully realized my love for hiking and mountains, and witnessed countless spectacular views with incredible people.  I expected to pour into youth group kids.  I didn't expect them to give me more than I could have given them.  I expected the drama quintessential of teenagers.  They surprised me in their maturity and grace, as they do with most things.  I'm not sure if I really expected to be "on my game" spiritually or not because of how challenging the last season was.  Many of my most memorable "God learning" moments came from being spectacularly far from my game.  Here comes a buzzword: humility.  

I'm not trying to talk about humility in a "look at me I'm so humble" contradictory sort of way, it's what I learned.  Here comes the red rocks part of the title.  Grand Junction, Colorado is in the desert, surrounded by many beautiful red rock cliffs.  The floor mats of my car are still covered in red rock dust from many pairs of hiking shoes.  It was everywhere I looked all the time this summer.  My boss Brad, has a passion for rock climbing.  And I mean a passion.  Naturally, the interns learn to climb and belay, and we took the kids on a few climbing outings.  Red rock, up close and personal.  And if you're me, its an up close and personal struggle.  In my exit interview and other closing "what did you learn" settings I cited rock climbing as a challenge that I wasn't meant to fulfill- an example of when I had to accept my weaknesses.  People usually just chuckled with me and agreed that yes, its okay for me not to be able to rock climb.  What I didn't share with the entire church staff, was that my lack of rock climbing abilities was more than that failure- it opened the floodgates to many other things I have believed about myself for a very long time.  About my body, it's capabilities, the way that it looks, and what that means for my future.  I am well aware that my beauty and worth are found in Christ.  I know that.  But things feel a lot different when I'm hanging off the side of a cliff, trying not to panic, and trying and not succeeding to make the next hold.  Not to mention its very public failure.  I don't think anyone I was with judged me too deeply, and if they did they wisely kept it to themselves.  But I like to be good at things.  And rock climbing, physical coordination in general is not one of them.  I realized this when it was articulated in a video that we interns watched, talking about strengths.  Rather than focus on and try and fix my weaknesses, I can build on my strengths.  

More than confronting my weaknesses, it was this vulnerability in combination with the love that was showed to me by those around me that radically impacted my summer.  It was my kiddos- who surprised me so much from the very beginning.  The high schooler's willingness to be engaged and to serve in New York, the joy that overtakes a middle school girl.  Literal, physical takeover of joy, with screaming and flapping and rapid movement.  The degree to which I got to be myself at Great Escape, rejoicing over the smallest things, and tackling big questions about faith and the next minute laughing about puppies or something like that.  The fact that these girls loved me and allowed me to love them.  I still can't even explain why this had such a powerful impact on me.  The moment when some of them gave their lives to Jesus, there, on that night.  Realizing the immensity of life transformed, being a part of it, the deep joy that only comes from that.  Other nights, making milkshake runs to Sonic, having conversations instead of playing ultimate frisbee, going camping in the rain, climbing mountains, and laughter, like a running soundtrack.  

My coworkers, who I could not have done this without.  Brad's thoughtfulness and servant leadership, coupled with pedicures.  His distaste for hiking and my distaste for climbing combining on Uncompahgre.  A question that Erik frequently asked was "How can I serve you right now?"  We did a successful (if I don't say so myself) week of VBS coming in exhausted and even more exhausted.  Miss Jordan.  My other half.  We did absolutely everything together this summer and barely got sick of each other (or she hid it very well).  Work stuff and fun stuff.  All the time.  Probably because of how different we are, we worked super well together, bringing totally different gifts and mindsets and complimenting each other in ways that only God could ordain.  She taught me about friendship, peace, patience, loving our girlies, and peach ice cream.  She blessed me with her wisdom in more ways than one.  I was the crazy one in the group, which will be surprising to some people but not others.  Tapering my energy was another one of those tough lessons- what was me showing love may not have been how someone received it, and it's selfish of me to insist upon loving in my own way.  They put up with my stories, when I didn't ask them for their own nearly enough, and showed me in such a real way, radical Gospel grace.

I'm in withdrawal mode right now.  I miss my friends.  I miss hiking.  I miss getting to hang out with really cool people as my job.  I miss those nights at Sonic.  I climbed mountains this summer.  Metaphorical and literal- two fourteeners and one Grand Junction icon in the mud.  Only could have done it through God's strength.  And in my weakness, His strength prevails.  It was a summer for the books, with many stories to be shared.  Red rocks and radical grace.  His love never fails.

I lean not on my own understanding

My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I give it all to You God 

Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

There's nothing I hold onto

-United Pursuit Band

Set a Fire...

Hey guys.  It's been awhile.  China happened. http://seekingadventurewitheyesopen.blogspot.com/ if you want to read all about those.  Here's been whats on my mind recently since arriving in Colorado for my summer youth ministry internship!  Actually its more of a story.  I have no idea.  Whatever.  And some China reflection, which will still be coming for awhile I think.

China was one of the single most amazing experiences of my life.  I was so free to just be whoever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, and do whatever I felt like doing.  I saw some amazing things, challenged myself with a language that is both beautiful and terrible in the best ways possible, and met some people whom I love deeply.  This entire experience challenged a lot of my worldview, God-view, life-view, whatever you want to call it.  Things were certainly not the way they are in the Hope bubble.  I struggled with how to process not being in a constant Christian community.  My faith became an "on my own" sort of thing.  I was blessed to take several travel weekends which meant I didn't always make it to church.  It was hard.  It was so, so, hard.  Not that my physical presence in (or out) of a church changes anything about who God is or who I am in Him, but it was so much easier to become discouraged.  Everything I knew was so far away.

On the other hand, I realized that the world is not like Hope.  Some of the things that I spent a lot of time and effort building up were no longer really relevant to the people I was with.  Having a lovely polished story about how God was working in my life.  Worship nights were no longer an option.  Having a smile in place and making everything seem okay wasn't so important anymore.  It was confusing.  I doubted.  I was faced with a huge feeling that I had failed in some way.  My "cup" so to speak was full after an amazing first semester.  I knew I was being filled to be emptied, and I was right.  When I got back to the States, I was fairly happy to be home and ready to relax before the next adventure.  God has given me a lot of grace in the reverse culture shock process.  I had to make the turn around in a week and a half and so I did.

Now I'm here.  My host family is awesome.  They want to know and love me.  I have nine and ten year old siblings who just love life so much.  My co-workers are awesome too.  We spend most of our time together and so have taken the approach of "we're going to be great friends and know each other way too well by the end of this, so lets start now."  The church as a whole is incredibly loving, encouraging, and welcoming.  The youth group kids have shattered my expectations.  They have a deep understanding of loving each other in community that I think many groups of Christians could learn from.  They are fun and engaging, and I can't wait to get to know them better.

I turned 21 yesterday.  I celebrated by hanging out with my intern pals all day working and then going out to the desert to watch the sunset after a youth leadership team cookout.  Goodwill and Macklemore.  Cupcakes that shouldn't have been left in the car.  A $4 bagel and cream cheese for lunch with enough cream cheese for about three people.  We dipped cheez-its in the extra.  Taylor Swift turned up in the car.  Coffee and the Word.  The sandstorm with (60?) mph winds that had us crouching behind our cars.  Life chats with the ladies.  I realized something, when we were out at the desert, and the sandstorm blows through in all its fury yet its mixed with raindrops, a shower of blessings, as the dust clears and orange and purple and pink glow boldly on the horizon.  I'm starting to get my passion back.  The passion that I left first semester and Urbana with.  When my heart is full of desire for God and MORE of who He is.  The passion for Jesus that burns deep inside.  The passion that I had to work through in a different way in China, but now its back, and with it comes JOY.  That realization was the best birthday gift that I got yesterday.

"Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain that I can't control, I want more of You God, more of You God... we want more, we want more, we want more, so pour it out... no place I'd rather be than here in Your love." -United Pursuit Band, "Set a Fire"

Urbana 12

So what did you learn at Urbana?  Its a question many people have asked me this week.  (If you didn't know, Urbana is a student missions conference held every three years.  17,000 students attended this year in St. Louis).  It was an amazing experience that I won't soon forget.  Here are some things that happened/I learned/God did:

-God was very graceful in getting our entire Hope College crew there, from paperwork crises, to bringing together 13 people, to funding, to food, He had the thing covered!

-There were 17,000 college aged kids there, all worshiping Jesus together.  That was probably what awed me most- the sheer size of everything.  Imagine Revelation Song being sung simultaneously in 4 languages (English, Spanish, French, Chinese).  I can hardly wait to see what heaven will be like, if that was only a tiny glimpse!  To see so many of my peers who share my values was inspiring- a way of appreciating the scope of God's global mission.  Just how big it is.  Not really even sure I can totally explain this one.  We also sang songs in Hindi, Korean, Swahili and possibly a different African language.  One day every tribe tongue and nation will be together worshiping Him!  What a delight to catch this vision on earth as well.

-We had dozens of breakout seminars to choose from each day.  I went to one on managing finances, one about ministering to honor and shame cultures (fascinating!) and one about gendercide in China and healing.  I enjoyed talking to random people that I met and learning about things that specifically interest me.

-There were hundreds of different mission organizations represented.  It was totally overwhelming, but I made some connections and got information from tons of organizations that will hopefully help me in the future.  Theres a mission organization for just about every kind of ministry in every kind of place!

-Some of the main highlights for me were in the keynote speakers we had each evening and morning.  David Platt challenged us to give up everything for Christ, that being a Christian isn't a halfway thing.  Chai Ling talked about gendercide in China and her own experiences with forced abortion, rape, and the healing love of Christ.  What was a spark 10 years ago when I heard about the Chinese treatment of women was fanned to furnace flame.  All I could say after that night was, "thats everything I want to do!"  They both spoke on the same night and left us rocked, shaken, and on fire!

-Another speaker was a missionary from a very closed country who had endured great personal sacrifice and loss to bring God's love to the people of that country.  She again challenged us to give everything, and in giving her life story spoke with an unswerving calm about the goodness and worthiness of God.  I don't think there was a dry eye in the house.  She said, "light isn't needed where there's already light.  The Gospel has to go to the darkest of places."  In the wake of her testimony, we were forced to consider the question: what wouldn't you do for God?  How much comfort can you really hold onto.  He deserves everything.  As she was talking and the Spirit was moving, I saw one thing in my mind.  A red lightbulb shining in the darkness, and I knew where my darkest place would be: women and girls who have been victims of sex trafficking and abuse.  I saw eyes with no hope, that had not known love.  Passion stirred deep inside to seek justice for these broken girls, to see them receive the healing love of God, to leave their life of bondage.  

-God was hardcore present all week, and blessings were raining down.  96 Urbana attendees decided to become Christ followers for the first time, and many more made re-commitments.  I got to use some of the gifts God has given me to impact my life and the lives of those around me, which is one of the coolest and most humbling things!  To Him be the glory!  I know that my role for Hope in this next season is as an intercessor, and God totally confirmed that as well.

-One question I tried to ask everyone I came in contact with was "what is God doing on your campus?"  The answers were more or less the same... everyone spoke to the increasing presence of God and of big things that are happening!  God is truly moving right now, and it is so exciting!

Urbana was a truly beautiful experience that I am so thankful I got to be a part of.  I have a greater vision of God's heart for the world, and where I fit into and use my gifts in that.  I got share the time with some awesome people who I am blessed to call friends and classmates and see how God is going to use them for crazy awesome things for His kingdom.  I'm now headed into a yet unknown season in China- but I do know that the God who I felt move so powerfully at Urbana is the same God whose authority I will walk in in China.  Because its all about Him anyways.

How Fickle My Heart

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
-Mumford & Sons, "Awake My Soul"

It's been awhile since I've posted.  That's what happens with a whirlwind finish to a semester before a time abroad and the following "detox," as one friend called it, in the first days at home.

God so totally rocked me this semester.  It was as if the things I struggled with sophomore year were finally brought full circle and the lies straight up rebuked.  Many of these things involved relationships with friends that went really well this year.  The father of lies tells me that no one likes me, I'm not worthy to be anyone's friend, I'm not spiritual enough to be friends with the cool people, and I can't do anything right.  At the same time the heart God gave me craves relationship.  I know these lies are not true when I come home to a surprise party because I'm leaving to study abroad.  I know that's not true when a friend shows up to help me frantically finish packing out my stuff.  These "well duh!" moments make me realize that these lies are never true because I am in Christ.  He didn't die on the cross to crush sin and death so that I could live in bondage to thinking I'm unworthy of anything...it is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1).  In this knowledge, I am more able to serve, to love people better, and to be who God made me to be.  These lies are intended to destroy me but they are LIES.  They aren't true.  They don't control me.  That's not what I answer to.  Here's the essence of what I learned this semester, because its what I can take with me forward into this new season:

It all comes back to Him.  All of the awesome changes I just talked about came about because of God's timing of some wise words and circumstances that happened that made me realize chasing popularity, friends, affirmation, acceptance, and the like ultimately leads to loneliness.  There was a night when I finally had to say, "God I just want YOU!"  It's about turning my gaze, focus, and priority to Him and Him alone.  It's then and only then do things ever go how I want them to, when He becomes what I most want.  Our God is one who desires relationship, closeness, and who is always willing to give us more of Himself.  This sounds too easy... and sometimes it is.  I find myself relishing in friendship, not His presence.  I find myself going onto Facebook and sliding backwards into a gloomy pit of jealously and self-comparison.  In worship, I think about how "devout" I must be looking, rather than... worshiping.  When I want to grow closer to Him so I can be a "super cool and powerful spiritual person" and have super cool and powerful spiritual stories to share, because then maybe I will be popular!  Yikes.  How fickle my heart.  I mess this up all the time.  However, God doesn't send revelation to just leave us hanging.  In these stumbles, I hear so overwhelmingly "I still love you."  I don't even deserve these four-millionth chances at all.  Wow.  Thank you Jesus!

So now I'm home.  I won't be in my happy home sweet Hope bubble until August.  This is the real deal now.  I know that I'm rooted and established in Christ's love (see last post) and that His love of the best basement worship night is the SAME love that I take with me here, to China, and everywhere.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.  It's been a challenge.  God used the season of first semester to teach me crazy things about Himself, using those around me to help and encourage me.  Now its up to me.  I don't have encouragement at every random encounter or exchange, I don't have the prayer chapel to retreat to, I don't have worship eight times a week.  I have my Bible, journal, and great music.  These things I take with anywhere.  I have friends who I get to tell the whole story to, because they haven't gotten to see it over time like Hope friends did.  Most of all, I have the presence of God Himself.  I have the Holy Spirit.  (There's an entire other post on that one too!)    I've been feeling pretty bummed and out of context for the past week... a new set of lies- that this can't last outside of Hope, or that it didn't mean anything to begin with, but I thankfully got to head to Portland and see an old friend and then see a Hope friend in Seattle (!!!) followed by the reuniting of the home crowd for our first baby shower (!!!).  God gave me what I needed in that- time to chill and catch up after a year and a half, a friend who's joy of the Lord is contagious, the celebration of new life.  Awake my soul.

One God.  No matter what.  No matter where.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life.  May we live and invest our lives to reflect the light of Christ.

Rooted

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:16-19.

This passage was shared at Friday Night Worship last night, and God totally spoke to me through it.  My time left at Hope before I go study abroad is drawing to a close, and it has been freaking me out this week.  I live with three seniors and I have lots of other senior friends or friends who are going abroad next year.  Who knows if I will see them again on this earth?  I have had the best semester of my Hope career and its ending so soon.  It's been easy to think that God must not want me to be very happy for very long, or that there is no way things will be good like this again for a long time.  It's very easy to think that I don't deserve it.  These are lies.  Going to China is God's plan for my life, just as being here is His plan for my life this semester.  Out of the center of His will is not where I want to be.  I'm not supposed to be here next semester.  However, my heart is breaking.  I don't want to leave the friendships that I have just formed.  I just got here.

And yet, God spoke to me through Ephesians.  I am rooted and established in love.  Right now, I feel rooted in where I live and in the love of many of the friendships that I have.  I have truly seen Christ's love through these relationships.  It's easy to feel that this temporary situation is where my roots are, and to be upset that I'm going to leave.  And then I realize- my DEEPEST roots are in Christ, and Him alone.  And I have Him WHEREVER I go.  I see how deep and wide and long and high His love is.  All good things come from Him.  Even my earthly roots come from Him.  He loves me so much that I can never hope to comprehend- and I am promised His fullness.  No matter what, I am rooted in Him.

Melody Sounds Like a Memory

You know how a song can remind you so much of a season?  Whenever I hear "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman or "All Thy Fullness" a Hope original, I think of the end of last school year.  I was exhausted in the depths of my soul.  The sophomore slump is a real deal.  These were the favorite chapel songs of the time, and I remember standing so many times thinking, "God, You really are all I have right now."  In the hurt, confusion, and exhaustion of that time, these songs were my certainty, clarity, and worship.  I listened to them late at night in Kenya, when the world just wasn't making sense to me.  Why do children get abandoned?  What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  I love how these songs remind me of that, many months and new seasons later, that I still have so many reasons to be grateful to God, that I need to sing of that, that He really is, always, my one and only Fullness.

Humility

If I could choose one word to describe encounters with God it would be humbling.  Being used by God is one of the most amazing and humbling things I can think of.  I've had experiences where I've known that I was speaking what God wanted me to say or what God wanted me to do.  Sometimes these experiences can seem like a really big deal, such as delivering the morning message to a group of campers, sometimes they are simply following the nudge to talk to someone and having a conversation that needed to be had.  I walk away from these situations usually with a "wow, that was pretty cool, I guess I can do something right!" feeling, but more importantly being totally in awe of God.  When I know the words did not come from me, I know that I am a small part of something so much bigger than me, when the words expand into something bigger than I can have imagined.  When the choice to serve or follow God leads to things no one would believe.  I am humbled that God would choose to use me for His great and vast purpose here on this earth.  I am astounded by His greatness.  I am humbled, to be a broken human who is allowed to mess up over and over again, and still invited into His presence.

Sometimes this humility is less glamorous too, and I am reminded of it in the smallest ways.  Its the look on my roommates face when I know I've crossed the line, but she gently corrects me in love.  Its the fact that my stuff is strewn all over the living room, and I say that I'll clean it up even though I probably won't, and I'm still loved and accepted.  Its the way that these girls have sought to know me, and see Christ in me.  I'm humbled.  They know me and they still love me, even though I'm not the perfect roommate.  Being humbled by God isn't the same as having my ego taken down a peg or being embarrassed by something.  There is such peace in knowing that I'm never going to have it all together, but that He does.  This is the word from God I've gotten recently... I still love you.  I screw up daily.  I put my eyes on worldly things, I think unkindly of others, I don't spend my time as I should.  He still loves me.

I am humbled in His presence.